Love in the limelight: Four weddings and a chequebook

This weekend will see a quartet of celebrity nuptials. Jonathan Brown guides you through the happy couples' big days - the food, the frocks, the guest lists, and those all-important magazine deals

Where: Family seat of the Earl and Countess of Carnarvon, Highclere Castle, in Newbury, Berkshire. The Magic Kingdom castle at Disneyland Paris was booked.

Style: The chav royal wedding. Mega-boobed Katie (don't call her Jordan) will be delivered to the ceremony aboard a Cinderella-style carriage drawn by six miniature white ponies. The 27-year-old topless model's dress promises to be as outlandish as her decolletage. Greek-born Andre is expected to don a traditional suit, concealing his once-famous six-pack.

They met: The couple were marooned on the ITV show I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me out of Here! Andre proposed after being ejected. Cynics said the relationship wouldn't last. That was two years ago. Their first child, Junior, was born in June.

On the menu: No truth to talk of a cake modelled on the bride's surgically enhanced 32FF bust.

Magazine deal: And how. At £2m it is the daddy of them all and makes the one trousered by the true chav aristocrats, Posh and Becks, look like a gift voucher from a tight uncle. OK! magazine has signed a contract giving it sole rights to pictures from wedding day to the birth of the next child. Preserving exclusivity could prove a challenge. Camera phones may well thwart the efforts of the burly former SAS guards. ITV2 will televise it inMarriage and Mayhem.

Entertainment: Bury's finest songstress, X Factor singer Rowetta, will belt out a few numbers. Voice of angel Charlotte Church, who had been due trill a few Ave Marias, was unable to attend. A karaoke machine has been hired to allow late night guests to showcase their talents.

Celebrity top table: Bridesmaids, former Atomic Kitten Kerry Katona and Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding. EastEnders' Michael Greco and Dean Gaffney, and topless model Linsey Dawn McKenzie.

Don't expect to see: Footballers Dwight Yorke, Teddy Sherringham; Gladiator Ace; racing driver Ralf Schumacher; pop stars Gareth Gates, Dane Bowers; Brighton lad Matt Peacock; millionaire's son Scott Sullivan or her first love, the electrician Gary Bolinbroke. Ex-boyfriends can be such an embarrassment.

Or: Lord Brocket, John Lydon, Posh and Becks, Shane Richie, Paul O'Grady, Chris Moyles, Denise Van Outen, Davina McCall. They were said to have been invited, but politely declined.

Don't say: This was a match made in Paradise... anyone got a number for Hello! picture desk?

Jodie Kidd and Aidan Butler

Who: Supermodel Jodie Kidd to internet entrepreneur Aidan Butler.

Where: A flint-walled 16th-century church in a picturesque Sussex village, followed by a knees up at the All England Jumping Course at Hickstead, West Sussex, courtesy of her godfather, Douglas Bunn.

Style: Quintessential "off-white" wedding in the heart of the English countryside ... with a modern twist.

They met: She was on the rebound after a fallout with Tarquin Southwell. The couple's relationship unravelled before the cameras during the filming of Tough At the Top as their fashion-meets-ponies business venture, Pret A Polo, crashed and burned. During one row they argued over plans to have live goldfish in table decorations at a function they were organising.

On the menu: Supermodels may be used to a diet of cigarettes and mineral water, but guests are being told to look forward to a lavish nosh up.

Entertainment: The bride's father, millionaire show jumper and polo player Johnny Kidd, will make the speech.

Magazine deal: Don't be so gauche. She may be the great grandaughter of the press baron Lord Beaverbrook but talk of a magazine deal is being comprehensively pooh-poohed. This couple have plenty of family money.

Celebrity top table: For a woman on first name terms with Naomi, Christie and Helena, who has also cut a dash in the world of motor racing, polo and golf, the guest list could be one of the most glamorous of the season. She insists however it will be only for "family and friends".

Don't expect to see: Bill Clinton - he singled out Jodie during the height of "heroin chic" as a bad example. Or GMTV's Lorraine Kelly - she called her a "sick anorexic giraffe".

Don't say: How do you make a supermodel's eyes light up? Shine a torch in her ear.

Kate Garraway and Derek Draper

Where: A church wedding in central London followed by a bash in Piccadilly.

Style: The GMTV presenter has warned her fans to expect a meringue-style dress, although male admirers were disappointed to hear that she has ruled out a PVC skirt and boob tube. Mr Draper, a former aide to Peter Mandelson during New Labour's early years, insisted on the full God thing, she says.

They met: Through mutual friends. The couple were engaged after a whirlwind romance - or should that be whirlpool? He popped the question as they luxuriated in a hot tub overlooking the Nile.

Magazine deal: You bet ... "I saw the size of the bar bill and thought it made sense," admits Kate. Check out Hello! for further details.

Entertainment: TBA. Couple said they would up the ante after learning Charlotte Church was singing at Jordan's bash. She's pulled out but they must still match X Factor's Rowetta.

Celebrity top table: The cream of British early morning television - expect Martin Frizell and Fiona Phillips, who were spotted dining with the couple. Guests may include the groom's old political chums, although he has turned his back on the dark arts of spin to become a therapist.

Don't expect to see: Renée Zellwegger. She may have based her Bridget Jones character on Kate.

Or: Publishers of the creepy fan website Garrawench.com where 25,000 "admirers" a month swap photos of their favourite presenter.

Don't sing: "Oh Mandy, well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking."

Tom Parker Bowles, son of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, and Sara Buys, 'Harpers & Queen' fashion writer

Where: It's a secret, but the couple were spotted on a BA flight earlier this month headed for Aberdeen, and may have secured Balmoral for a B-list royal nuptials. Windsor Guildhall, where the bride suffered humiliation when her skirt revealed more than expected at her mother's wedding, has been ruled out.

Style: Highgrove meets Notting Hill - expect hyper-organised trendsetters masquerading as old money. As the bride herself put: "If one's choice of wallpaper, one's car, and the content of one's fridge are the things by which one is judged by the modern world, just imagine the revealing nature of a wedding: the thickness of your invitation card, the calligraphy on your place names, the position of your top table ... They are public affirmations of our all-round fabulousness."

They met: In 2001 through mutual friends from Oxford University, their alma mater. Mr Parker Bowles, food editor of Tatler, is said to have proposed in Venice. After a brush with the tabloids, when he was caught taking cocaine in 1999, the groom has now even given up smoking.

On the menu: With the Prince of Organic on the top table, nothing other than the best veggies and ethically pure flesh can be served. The groom wrote: "Only by grouping together against the profit-driven conveyor belt of multinational food production does sustainable, slow-growing agriculture have a chance." Not popping down Tescos then?

Magazine deal: When two of the world's glossiest glossies are paying the mortgage, it doesn't do to be seen slipping into the offices of Hello!

Entertainment: Rumours are rife of a cockney knees-up with the Duchess of Cornwall playing spoons and the heir to the throne on the old joanna.

Celebrity top table: Reunification of the royal party set, with Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Freddie Windsor.

Don't expect to see: The bride's underwear, drug counsellors.

Don't say: To the groom: Got a fag? Can I get some chicken nuggets?

To the bride: Those nice photographers wondered if you wouldn't mind showing a bit more cleavage?