Inside story: Great rock'n'roll swindles

Love them or hate them, rock stars have to be interviewed from time to time - even if someone forgot to tell them. Jon Wilde picks 20 of the most embarrassing encounters

1. Back in 1965, NME's Keith Altham was sent to a London recording studio to interview VAN MORRISON to mark the release of Them's debut album. After being kept waiting for some considerable time, Altham spotted Morrison reading a newspaper, strolled up to him and gently enquired when the interview might commence. Without looking up from his paper and demonstrating the silver-tongued charm for which he would become noted, Morrison snorted, "Fuck off, can't you see I'm busy."

2. Loaded's John Perry met up with the famously temperamental MARK E SMITH for an interview in 1997. The Fall leader set the tone for proceedings by attempting to stub a cigarette out in Perry's face, then responded to the fairly innocuous questions with a volley of personal abuse: "You're a fucking cunt, aren't you? A cretin. A frustrated pervert." Abruptly terminating the interview after a few minutes, Smith tried to punch through a wall, scuffled with bar staff and picked a fight with the band Ash. He then stumbled drunkenly into the street muttering, "They all owe me a fuckin' living, all of them."

3. Perhaps the most dependable way of ensuring that an interview with a prissy pop diva is terminated with immediate haste is to vomit over her designer shoes. This remarkable achievement was notched up by the hungover Smash Hits editor John McKie in 2000 as he interviewed MARIAH CAREY in the back of a limousine. Maybe McKie was merely paying homage to the music journalist Tommy Udo who, back in the early Eighties, wandered backstage to interview Spandau Ballet and managed to distinguish himself by projectile vomiting on to Gary Kemp.

4. Phil Sutcliffe turned up for a Sounds interview with JOE STRUMMER in 1977 blissfully unaware of the fact that The Clash frontman generally refused to talk to anyone who looked even vaguely like a hippie. Eyeing Sutcliffe's long hair, bandanna and flares, Strummer announced, "I'll give you an interview if you say, 'I'm a shit'." To which Sutcliffe innocently replied, 'OK, you're a shit'." He was promptly thrown onto the street.

5. Sent along by The Sun to interview JOHN LYDON on the occasion of " God Save the Queen"'s 2002 re-release, Dominic Mohan found the former Mr Rotten in even spikier form than usual. Throughout the brief interview, Lydon responded to questions with "That's none of your business" or "read my book". When Mohan dared to point out that it was impossible to continue the interview in this manner, Lydon sent him packing with the words, "You're a soulless, heartless cardsharp and you know it. You're a moron - that's why you work for The Sun. You fucking stink. Everything about you is appalling. Now go away."

6. In 1985, MILES DAVIS granted an extremely rare interview to The Face. Aware that Davis generally took to being interviewed like a duck to tarmac, the magazine chose one of their most experienced journalists for the job. Two minutes in, the jazz legend turned to his PR and solemnly declared, "Hell, this guy stinks of piss - get him out of here." To this day, speculation persists as to the identity of the incontinent hack. Oddly, no one seems in a hurry to step forward.

7. Although not technically a pop star, SOOTY had a new single to promote in the early 1980s and Terry Staunton was all set to interview the celebrated glove-puppet for the children's page of a local newspaper. At the appointed time, the puppet master Harry Corbett stormed into the room with a smouldering orange bear on his hand, having accidentally set fire to Sooty during the finale to the matinée show. "Well," Corbett declared, "that's the end of that little bastard," and tossed Sooty into the sink. No puppet equalled no interview. That stands to reason.

8. THE CORRS, as everyone knows, are a band consisting of three sisters and a brother. Everyone except Donna Air, it would seem. In the mid-1990s, when working as an MTV VJ, she faced all four members and opened her interrogation with the bombshell of a question: "So guys, where did you all meet?" The interview never quite recovered after that.

9. In 1996, journalist John Perry enjoyed a brief but eventful meeting with ICE CUBE which became a tad overheated when Perry implied that the tough-guy rapper was a member of murderous LA gang the Bloods when, in fact, he was a member of their deadly rivals, the Crips. Heading for the exit as bulky items of furniture were being thrown at him, Perry then delivered his coup de grâce, asking Cube whether he had ever considered taking part in a gay pride march.

10. In the mid-1990s, rock heavyweight MEATLOAF held a press conference in Stockholm to promote a forthcoming tour. All seemed to be progressing in routinely banal fashion until a German reporter stood up and asked the question that everyone but Meat was longing to hear: "Mr Loaf, is it your glands or do you simply eat too much?" Cue much hilarity and a very abrupt termination of conference.

11. In 1999, MARIAH CAREY held a large press conference to promote a new single. Three questions in, she was asked to comment on the recent death of Jordan's King Hussein. Clearly in a state of some confusion, she replied, "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen. We will never see his like again." After which she was briskly whisked away by her entourage. Though this story is widely believed to be an urban myth, this writer has met at least three journalists who claim to have been there.

12. Loaded's Martin Deeson turned up for a 1995 interview at ALICE COOPER's house on the back of a mind-bending three-day bender. He did manage to ask Alice one question ("So, what do you think of Argentina then?") before his comedown got the better of him. Alice was mid-way through answering when Deeson staggered to his feet, muttered, "Well Mr Cooper, I think I have everything I need," and stumbled to the door where he was swiftly escorted off the premises by Alice's butler.

13. Consenting to be interviewed at the American Music Awards in 2000, the former Spice Girl MEL C was unprepared for the sexually graphic nature of questions put to her by the interviewer Gary Garver. Remaining rooted to the spot and speechless after questions about pubic hair and her favourite location for masturbation, Sporty Spice finally flounced off when asked, "Have you ever had a lesbian experience?"

14. When conducting an interview, it always helps if the talent manages to stay awake for the duration. SLY DUNBAR of the reggae duo Sly and Robbie failed to do so during a meeting with The Independent's Ian Burrell; likewise three members of Black Uhuru dozed off when quizzed by this writer in 1982. It also helps if the journalist avoids taking a nap mid-interview, a fate that has befallen NME's Johnny Dee (Suzanne Vega) and Blitz journalist Mark Corderay (Nick Cave).

15. When BRIAN WILSON emerged from hibernation in 1988 to promote his debut solo album, his behaviour during interviews was erratic even by his standards. Some journalists never made it past the audition stage - one being dismissed for being "too thin", another because his beard made the Beach Boy nervous. More recently, Wilson's sense of time has become so muddled that he is known to wrap up interviews after one minute in the mistaken belief that he has been talking for a full hour.

16. Val Hennessy was once sent to Nice for an audience with LUCIANO PAVAROTTI. After waiting five days, she got the nod that Pavarotti was ready to talk. Removing her glasses, she strolled into his apartment with an expensive bouquet for the big man. Seeing that he was standing before her, and with arms outstretched, she swept up to him and gushed, "I am so thrilled to meet you." Only problem was that she happened to be addressing a life-sized cardboard cut-out of the man. Pavarotti himself was perched on the edge of his sofa, looking unimpressed. Ignoring her flowers, he seethed, "All journalists are shits." And it all went downhill from there.

17. The night before Neil Strauss's recent interview with JULIAN CASABLANCAS, The Strokes' frontman assured the reporter that an ideal topic of conversation for the interview would be the reasons why Nigel Godrich had been sacked as the producer of the band's second album. Naturally, then, Strauss started the interview with such an inquiry. "Fuck off," replied Casablancas. "I'm not answering that." Strauss spent the next five minutes firing questions while the singer ignored him and played a video game. The meeting ended with Casablancas attempting to kiss Strauss on the lips, before drunkenly wheeling himself home in an abandoned wheelchair.

18. Down the years, VAN MORRISON has maintained his charm offensive in the presence of interviewers. His 1989 meeting with Hot Press's Liam Fay quickly descended into farce, with the Celtic soulman responding to the most straightforward questions with monosyllabic grunts as he tucked into a plate of chicken and chips. After 15 minutes of this torture, Van declared the interview to be over, then spent the next 10 minutes chasing Fay around a restaurant table in an attempt to retrieve the tape, before lashing the reporter with his coat.

19. In 1998, NME was granted a rare interview with ROBBIE WILLIAMS. All seemed to be going swimmingly when, after five minutes, Williams announced that he needed to use the toilet. Upon returning, he announced, "I'm finding this really difficult. You're the NME and I don't like you." He then stormed out.

20. This writer was recently privileged to conduct an interview with IAN BROWN for Uncut magazine. After a mere 20 seconds, the former Stone Rose piped up with, "Hang about, you're the snide cunt who stitched me up 16 years ago. You can fuck off right now or I'm calling security." And that was that.

If you have any stories about interviews that went disastrously wrong, contact: media@independent.co.uk