Grisly puppet gang set to kill Fozzy Blair

The scene is a large room in the bowels of Muppet Central Office. Gentlemen and ladies of the London press (played, in the main, by humans) occupy the chairs in the middle. Lining the walls is the entire and varied cast of The Muppet Show.

The lights dim and the theme song plays: "It's time for an election, it's time to fight the fight, it's time to go for the jugular on The Muppet Show tonight."

The platform lights go on, and the Chairman of the Party and the Deputy Prime Minister (none other than Statler and Waldorf) enter and sit down.

Muppets whoop and cheer excitedly.

Statler reads from autocue: "Hello, Waldorf. What do you think of the show so far?"

Waldorf: "Well, Statler, inflation is at an all-time low; our economy is the most successful in Western Europe; house prices are rising again; and we are the envy of the world."

Statler: "So, you feel pretty good. But tell me, Waldorf, could anything go wrong?"

Waldorf: "I'm galled you asked." (Interruption.) "Sorry, I'm glad you asked. Yes, something could go badly wrong. New Labour could be elected and, Statler, they're dangerous."

Statler: "But surely that nice Tony Blair isn't a threat to the wellbeing of the nation?"

Waldorf: "That's just where you're wrong, friend. He's more dangerous than when Harold Wilson stood against Sam the Bald Eagle in 1970. Worse than when Michael Foot threatened Miss Piggy in '83. Deadlier than Neil Kinnock's challenge to our very own John Major in 1992. You see, global economic competition is so intense these days - and the country so fragile - that we cannot afford even 24 hours of New Labour in power. And there's another reason why he's so dangerous." (Pause.) "He might win."

Statler turns to the press: "I agree, Waldorf." (Holds up document.) "So look what I've got. The Road to Ruin, New Labour's Real Manifesto!" (Cheers and yelps from Muppets.) "The folks here, under the guidance of the Great Gonzo, have put what Labour says on the left-hand side, and what they really mean on the right! It's a hoot!" (Laughs.)

"First, let me read the introduction." (Voice cracks with merriment.) "We stand for New Communities so everyone is in bed by 10pm and not out shopping as they are under the Tories . . ." (several Muppets collapse to the floor in laughter) ". . . for a New Europe in which Britain is really nice and gets its way by agreeing to everyone else's suggestions" (a doctor is called for a giggling Swedish Chef. Statler wipes his eyes.)

Waldorf: "And on page 18, Margaret Beckett says: 'There will be no blanket repeal of the main elements of 1980s legislation.' And look what we've put: 'We will lift the restriction on secondary picketing and return the country to its indust-rial relations heyday under the last Labour government."

Statler: "That's a good one. But I can do better. On page 24, David Blunkett argues that 'our commitment to comprehensive education cannot be a commitment to sameness'. And do you know what we printed on the right-hand side?" (Takes a deep breath.) 'New Labour believes that the fundamental purpose of education is to ensure that all children turn out exactly the same'! (Huge applause. Streamers are thrown and buckets of green gloop fall from the ceiling. The theme tune is replayed. Lights are turned on to reveal that the audience has vanished.)

As Statler and Waldorf shamble off, a lone frog appears with a placard which reads: "Next week's show: Muppets in Opposition, featuring special guest star John Redwood. Venue: here in the bunker".