View From Here

I WOULD like to reveal the preliminary findings of a quality assurance body dedicated to in-depth survey of an important aspect of university life. I refer, of course, to the Bassnett Exercise in Generally Assessing Dining in British institutions of higher education (Begad).

It would be premature to publish the league table of institutions at this stage, since the findings are still to be collated and some may wish to question the final assessment. However, in the interests of transparency it has been decided to present a summary of Begad's difficult and conscientiously undertaken field studies. Institutions have been assessed on the following principles:

n quality of dining environment

n quality of service (including staff development training)

n quality of presentation

n quality of food, (hot, cold, raw and cooked)

The interim summary will, of necessity, present its findings without naming institutions, though discussions are under way within Begad to emulate the "naming and shaming" policy of Ofsted should it be thought appropriate for future development.

Older institutions score hands down when it comes to quality of environment. Top marks for wood-panelled halls with 16th-century paintings and solid silver salt cellars. Civic universities score poorly on environment: large, draughty refectories, slimy trays, smells of wet dogs and boiled cabbage.

University College of C serves staff behind a screen in a corner of the student dining room, creating a Kafkaesque atmosphere and inciting students to riot. 1965 universities score moderately well, principally because dining rooms are so utterly boring.

Begad was unable to assess post-1992 provision widely across the sector, owing to almost always being led away from signs pointing to the dining hall and taken to eat in nearby (excellent) Chinese/Italian/Indian restaurant or gourmet pub.

Quality of service was likewise variable. Ancient universities often have more people waiting on table than students and fellows eating at it. Service in civics are on a level with school dinners of the Fifties.

Ladies with regional accents advise diners to beware of food on account of its generally suspect appearance: "I don't know what's in it, love, but they say it's very nice. No, I haven't tried it myself, I don't fancy the colour/those lumps/the smell."

Service in post-1965 universities is usually on the brisk side: "We close in five minutes, so no, you can't have a drink." Service in Chinese/ Italian/Indian restaurants is usually excellent. Top marks here for outsourcing.

Quality of presentation is generally linked to quality of service, though not always. Most civics serve food in vats or troughs, with warm water in plastic jugs. Puddings are luridly coloured in small tubs next to tepid fruit yoghurt, often labelled "healthy option". Some faculties provide their own food away from the central refectory area, but provision can be unreliable.

Begad was once offered lunch at University of L after a gruelling PhD viva lasting several hours. "You can have any sandwich you like," said the head of department, generously indicating three packets on a stand. "But you," he added, turning to the internal examiner and mindful of the costs of same, "will have to pay for your own."

Quality of food often bears no relation to other levels of quality attainment. Ancient universities score poorly for meals reminiscent of the worst childhood nightmares. Several older universities are clearly perturbed by cost-effectiveness, hence penchant at examiners' dinners for serving egg mayonnaise with egg halves counted out exactly, along with precise number of bread rolls, tomatoes, etc for each diner.

Emphasis on numeracy fills Begad with fear, reminding her of occasion in ancient Scottish university when hunger drove her and friends to take second helpings and eat the last three pieces of salmon just before the arrival of three distinguished overseas guests.

Best and worst of British institutions? Scottish universities score highly. Points are awarded for skill of academics, porters etc of some Scottish institutions in finding whisky after closing time.

Begad will avoid dining in some universities located in north west of England, east of England, East Midlands on advice of members of said institutions. Own university of W scores top marks for environment, service and quality of food, probably best in the country, but loses a point for pretentious description of same. You can't buy a sandwich at my institution without having to read a ludicrous label: "dolphin-friendly tuna" or "baguette with mozo and sun-dried tom".

Reading the menu in one of U of W's restaurants requires a translator. Last week, three distinguished specialists in comparative cultural studies were unable to determine what they would be eating if they ordered "seared Szechuan grouper served with stir-fried bok choi" or the soup of day served with "pan-fried golden sippets and flocked cream".

Next, Begad will focus on the international dimension of dining in British universities. Pizza and spaghetti bolognese, both unrecognisable to Italians, feature on some British menus, as do troughs of yellow foodstuff referred to as "tikka".

As internationalisation will involve extension of Begad's operations, offers are invited from those wishing to be considered for associate membership. Applications, strictly confidential, to be received by 31 September 1998.

The writer is pro-vice-chancellor of the University of Warwick.