Sod off, Sports Direct – you are not an essential service

CEO Mike Ashley isn't even the worst of Britain's bad businessmen – others have handled the coronavirus crisis more terribly still

“Where’s Mike Ashley?” I thought, totting up my list of Britain’s biggest a***hole business people.

For the record, I had Tim “keep the pubs open” Martin at the top; Sir Richard Branson and his airline buds breathing down his neck; and whoever it was at Britannia Hotels who wrote to sacked staff in the Highlands booting them out of their accommodation (the company later blamed an “administrative error’) – but Sports Direct’s bumptious boss wasn’t among them. For Mike had been quiet as a mouse.

Could the appointment of a worker director in the wake of the scandal at his Derbyshire warehouse – you may recall that searches on the way out contributed to some staff getting less than the minimum wage for their time – have worked the oracle?

Could it be that Mike had become Saul, changing from bad boss to an apostle of commercial humanity on the road to Damascus (or at least to Derby)?

Guess not. The Institute for Business Ethics had best put the Christmas Party invite on ice. Time to mothball that Everlast hoodie. It’s not something you’d want to be seen wearing in public. Or even in lockdown, at least this morning, because there was Ashley all over the news insisting Sports Direct stores were as essential as Sainsbury’s, because what everyone needs in the middle of a global pandemic is a pair of brand new Lonsdale sweatbands.

They would remain open, Ashley insisted, to keep the public fit and healthy in their homes. Plus, it’s Nike Air Max week.

In making that decision, Ashley managed something I’d previously thought impossible. For a brief moment, he made Michael Gove look like something other than a slimy snake oil salesman.

I know. That’s still a bit like the Joker doing something so stupid and terrible in Gotham City that even the Penguin is moved to admonish him.

But wait! Performing a hand brake turn that even The Sweeney’s Jack Regan might feel good about, Mike changed his mind.

Sports Direct stores would close up, after all, leaving the online operation to pick up the slack and flog the home exercise equipment (surprise surprise, Ashley and co are pushing that hard).

It doesn’t quite absolve him from doing something so unbelievable crass and stupid as to claim Sports Direct stores were essential services in the middle of a global pandemic.

But Ashley does appear to have at least acquired the ability to recognise a bad mistake swiftly enough to keep him from the top tier of Britain’s bad businessman.

Tim Martin, on the other hand, is still at it. Rest assured, if you want your Covid-19 bogeyman, the gammon-faced publican is there for you. His latest in a lengthening list of unfortunate pronouncements was his suggestion that if his staff – the same who have done so much to make his business successful, and him rich beyond his wildest dreams – should be offered jobs at supermarkets, then good luck to them.

Will done, Timbo. You’ve done what needs to be done to secure your position. Mike’s just not in your league. It’s deeply depressing, but there are plenty out there who are.