Donald MacInnes: 'I may be befuddled by lack of sleep, but my insurer has no excuse'

When Donald's scooter was stolen from his driveway he discovered that he would receive only 60 per cent of its current value

I hope my recent promotion to paterfamilias will afford my outpourings some previously missing gravitas. Given that I have been up to my chest in befouled nappies, denied even the merest rags of sleep and gibbering in a corner from the screaming, I'd expect you to be more accepting if my prose tends (more than normal) toward the meandering and … what's the word … [yawn] … ah, who cares.

Anyway, I shall press on (before I fall, snoring, face-first into my keyboard), working on the assumption that at least a few of you remember who I am, following my fortnight's paternity leave. First the good news: you will be delighted to learn that I'm giving the subject of my freshman fatherhood an extravagant bodyswerve, as few people give a monkey's about my wee monkey's bowel movements. No, this week I will be turning my overly wordy, community college-tooled armaments on insurance.

A month ago my scooter was stolen from the driveway. I had assumed that no one would have the clangers to just remove it from under my nose … but evidently I misunderestimated the chutzpah of the neighbourhood ne'er-do-wells, who used the cover of darkness to do just that. They then proceeded to use it for some joyriding, before dumping it across the road from our house. The bodywork was scratched, but the main damage was mechanical, as the thieves had really put their backs into the disablement of my steering lock.

I duly called my insurance company (which I shall refer to as "Aviba") and tabled a claim for theft. I had comprehensive cover and had paid them a little over £1,300 in premiums since I bought the bike, without making a single claim, so assumed I would have no trouble in getting the cost of the repairs back. Yes, I know: I should be the one wearing nappies.

My bike was picked up and taken to Aviba's approved engineers for assessment of the damage costs. After a few days, I was told that if I went ahead with the claim, the bike would be a write-off. There just wasn't enough value in the machine to justify the repairs. A mechanic at the garage also told me that if it were fixable, I would probably receive only "at most" 60 per cent of the current value of the bike. Not 60 per cent of the purchase price which had, of course, partly determined my premiums. Seems a little … mmm, what's the word? Outrageous? Yes, that'll do.

After paying Aviba £1,300 over three years for a bike I bought for £2,500, I could expect them to recompense me something like £700. I withdrew my claim, had the bike returned and paid £330 to have the mechanics repaired. I'll just have to live with the scratches. Terrific.

But still I go on paying Aviba's monthly premiums. Why? Because there's no point in moving to another outfit. Depressingly, I suspect they're all the bloody same.

Twitter.com/DonaldAMacInnes