From ‘fanny daggers’ to Mumsnet lingo: Nine things I’ve learnt about myself in nine very long months of pregnancy

Pregnancy doesn't necessarily develop your maternal instinct, but it will hone your ability to spot men on the tube pretending to be asleep, says Cathy Adams

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Hi from the 103rd trimester – or something like that.

I feel like I’ve been pregnant for 78 weeks, but finally, finally, my excruciatingly large baby is due on Friday 13th. I’ve bought the nappies, the nipple cream and the terrifyingly named “Spritz For Bits”. I’ve made a list of TV shows to watch – Succession, Liar, Love Is Blind for the second time – and books to download (on Kindle, to read one-handed).

What a difference nine months makes! While gestating I’ve gone from an always-travelling, hard-drinking and fast-living existence to one that is arranged around doing a Big Shop at Sainsbury’s.

Here’s what I’ve learnt.

1. Nine months does not a maternal mother make...

I wasn’t particularly excited to be pregnant in July and I still don’t feel any more interested in having a baby in March, a week before his due date.

How can FTMs (first time mums – more on that later) ever prepare for something so abstract? People tell me I must feel “thrilled”, whereas in reality I feel empty about the whole thing. Apparently this changes after the birth. Fingers crossed, eh?

2...but it will make you want to get the baby out

The periwinkle stretch marks, the “fanny daggers”, the pain that shudders through my pelvis whenever I do something crazy like stand up. Getting off the sofa is an industrial operation where I have to be winched up. Heaving myself upstairs to go to bed requires at least three minutes of mental preparation, followed by a cool-down session when I get there.

3. You’ll pick up Mumsnet lingo

Even if you rarely log onto Mumsnet, this is unavoidable. I know all the annoying acronyms: FTM and STM (second time mum), LO (little one) and DH (dear husband). And on that note...

4. ...pregnancy can be grotesquely infantilising

Pregnant women are constantly referred to as “mummies to be” and patronised from start to finish by cartoonish pregnancy books and antenatal sessions, which tell them to eat their five a day, have a pregnancy massage every now and again and string fairy lights around their hospital bed. Women and men – not “mummies and daddies”, thanks – need practical information about how to look after a tiny person delivered in a grown-up way.

5. You might not ‘look forward’ to giving up work

To the uninitiated, maternity leave is sometimes confused with a nine-month-long holiday. If that’s the case, I’ve never dreaded a holiday more – even when that holiday was two weeks in rainy Devon with my in-laws. (I'm slowly coming round to the idea of a staycation.)

6. The type of person you were before is not necessarily who your pregnant self will be

Pragmatic and go-with-the-flow weren’t two adjectives you would usually attach to me pre-pregnancy; rather unflattering words like 'control freak' and 'selfish'. Yet with the daily shower of crap you get when incubating – I have dealt with more “threatened miscarriages” than I can count and had fortnightly jabs in the bum to ensure my negative blood doesn’t poison the baby’s positive type – the only way to deal with it is to inhale slowly and take each day as it comes.

Friends tell me this also applies to your “parent self”, and I’ll only figure that out when he’s born.

7. My pelvic floor is weaker than I thought

Pretty sure I’ve wet myself a little bit a few times.

8. People will give you a seat on the Tube, sometimes

Good afternoon to the man in a priority seat on the Circle Line a few weeks ago who saw my bump, then pretended to go to sleep immediately.

9. You will have interesting conversations with people you didn’t expect to

This is the best part of being pregnant. Having a visible bump is a gravitational pull for a lot of people – particularly with kids. While some of it is unwelcome (people flattening their palms against your belly without asking, saying “how massive” you look, asking “but where’s it all going to go??”) most of it is downright lovely.

I’ve been for lunch and (decaf) coffees with colleagues and friends of friends to talk about the extraordinary shared experience of being a parent. Pregnancy has widened my social network immeasurably, and given me all sorts of advice that has been invaluable.

What I need to remember is that I’m just another woman having a baby. With that, wish me luck...