why are they famous?; prince michael junior

Main Claim: Putative fruit of the loins of the world's most famous man. "I'm in bliss 24 hours a day," says Michael Jackson of the happy event. "He is so loving and strong," coos Debbie Rowe of her, er, husband. "He loves being involved in every aspect of caring for the baby."

Appearance: Standard Caucasian infant, aged five weeks.

Stop Press: The boy not named after an obscure British royal or a rival castrato-style singing sensation has had his first formal press unveiling. This follows a set of bogus baby snaps in the News Of The World: "That is not my child," fumed Debbie. Prince's proud sire (the King of Pop - geddit?) has granted his first print interview in 18 years, to OK! magazine, not best known for scoops. Sample observation: "There is no miracle in life that can compare with watching your son come into the world." Since Michael likes children so much, it's a shame, if not a missed genetic miracle, that he didn't produce Elvis's grandson while he was about it.

Gene Genie: Born of a father who looks like a woman and a mother who looks like a man, young Prince may not be destined for immediate baby- pageant glory. Mrs Michael Jackson sports a theme-park jaw and no-nonsense truckster appeal with acid-head, transsexual, biker-style overtones. And her good husband resembles the term's work of some remedial-stream surgery students. Hence the resultant offspring may be floundering about in the shallow end of the gene pool. But, no matter. While other boys look forward to a circumcision or a night brace, Prince may well be a chip off the old block.

We Are Family: There have been some churlish tales put about that Jackson, in fact, paid Debbie Rowe to carry his foetus, she was artificially inseminated, and will be paid again to hand over custody of the child. "Debbie and I love each other for all the things you will never see on stage or in pictures," says Michael. "Don't believe 99 per cent of the garbage you read or hear," says Debbie. So, a perfectly normal family unit, then.

Fame Prospects: "I want my son to live a normal life," says Michael. Hence Prince has been photographed a month out of the womb with his bog- standard parents. Not a snowball's chance of it, poor pet.