What to say when those results arrive

It's time parents and pupils examined their understanding of success and failure, reports Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer

It's exam time again. As usual, most of the attention is on the 750,000 or so students who are sitting make-or-break GCSE or A level examinations, yet at least three times as many other youngsters are facing a similar ordeal with end-of-year school exams.

If it's exam time, it's also results time. The spotlight students have to wait an excruciating eight or nine weeks to get their reckoning, at which point there is plentiful advice for parents and students alike on how to piece together any shattered dreams.

The rest will get their marks any day. By contrast, advice is rarely offered to their parents on how best to respond to these results, despite the fact that clumsy reactions can damage a child's attitude to learning and work and therefore his subsequent performance in The Big Ones.

What are the common traps parents fall into that can herald problems later? The first broad mistake is to see examinations as a beauty contest, either between children or, even worse, between parents as they feed off the glory, for the higher the marks, the higher parents can hold their heads at school functions. "How did so and so do?" or, "How many other people got more than 80 per cent?" are the tell-tale questions on the lips of trophy parents who need that information to gauge whether their child is at the top. Yet we know from research that where children focus on competing against others and invest their self-worth in the result, they are more likely to suffer from pre-test anxiety and be deflated by disappointment. They do better when they aim to master a task rather than perform to impress. A second common error is to see failure and success as absolute and opposite, and to invest them with moral significance such that parents are inclined to punish failure and dine out on success.

The reality is, of course, that success and failure are not only relative, different for different children according to their ability, but also morally neutral - outcomes that say something about what has gone right or wrong. Mistakes tell a story, and it is the story we need to understand. It is also true that each contains the seeds of the other. Success, handled badly, can lead to failure as described below, and failure, handled well, illuminates the route to success.

A third blunder that can boomerang is made by the never-satisfied parent for whom success is never good enough. "A minus? But why didn't you get an A?" This kind of pressure can encourage a damaging perfectionism with two likely consequences. First, children can invest too much time in the things they know they are good at, restricting their wider potential. Second, the constant striving to do better often ends in disappointment and may lead to burn out and even despair.

It's not only pushy parents who cause children problems; over-protective parents make mistakes too. Comments typical of those whose children can apparently do no wrong are, "It was that teacher's fault. He was hopeless" or, "Those friends of yours are letting you down badly."

In each case, the child is freed from all responsibility for the outcome - which, incidentally, protects the parent's self-image too - so no lessons can be learned.

Understanding how schools view end of year examinations might help parents to respond in more measured ways. Dee Francken, who teaches at the high flying North London Collegiate School, explained that, apart from getting children used to the drill of and preparation for exams in a gradual way, school exams are diagnostic tools. The results give teachers a range of information about the strengths and weaknesses of any class or child and about what might be happening if the results are either better or worse than the year's work might have indicated. "For teachers, exam results are one dot on a large landscape," she explained. "Parents should see them that way too. Children should be in competition only with themselves. "If children experience pressure from an early age and see parents ranking them against others, they'll be a basket case by the time they come to the real things."

So results should not be seen as the be all and end all, especially if exams are viewed primarily as a tactic to encourage revision and consolidation, accepted tools of effective learning. Looking back over the year's work helps to bed in the knowledge gained, fill any gaps and thus form an effective springboard for the next stage. And the height of the spring achieved also depends, crucially, on the energy invested in the jump. Those children who feel valued for who they are and loved by their parents unconditionally; those who are not frightened to risk failure; those who, after making mistakes, have been left with enough self-respect and self-belief to have another go, will embark on the tasks ahead with a confidence and enthusiasm that will pay dividends in the future.

The Do's And Don'ts Of Handling Exam Results

DO let them tell you their results in their own time.

DO say "well done" when they do well, and make the praise specific. Children thrive on parents' appreciation, not their judgement.

DO encourage them to appraise themselves, and then respect their viewpoint. Ask them whether they were pleased or disappointed with the result, and why.

DO understand the importance of "good enough" success. If they have done their best or near best, that is good enough.

DO have realistic expectations about what they can achieve.

DO help them to learn from both success and failure. Ask them what they think they did right, so it can be repeated, or wrong, so it can be avoided next time.

DON'T punish them physically, materially or emotionally, for failure or, even worse, simply for disappointing you. Shame and humiliation are rarely spurs to renewed effort.

DON'T belittle their success. "Okay, but half the class got an A, so what's so good?"

DON'T ask how everyone else in the class did, or compare their marks with those of brothers or sisters.

DON'T steal their success, "Without me making you work, you wouldn't have done so well", or feed off it.