Trolley Life

This week I met my first supermarket misogynist. The worrying thing is that I rather liked him, but then he did rescue me from transport hell. This all took place on Saturday afternoon during what should have been a short trip from south Clapham to north Clapham. A bus will be along any minute, I thought, or at least a taxi. After 20 minutes, I realised I had entered one of those transport black holes where no taxi is ever seen and where buses only drive by on the way to another, probably mythical, stop. Drastic measures were required and so I stood by an intersection and, whenever I saw a bus, jumped up and down and waved. The first bus driver was not impressed, nor the second but the third, driving a shiny 345, took pity and opened the door.

I jumped in and found myself, quite simply, in another world. The bus was full, the windows steamy and the crowd friendly. "Can I ask you not to go on the top deck? We're still renovating," cried the driver, beaming. The crowd laughed. It was not a double-decker. Had I'd entered a sit-com? I sat down and the woman on my right looked at me. "Asda?" she asked. I almost said "No, Ann, actually" when I realised this was her only English word. She repeated it. "Asda?" cried the driver. "Don't ask me about Asda! Supermarkets aren't for men. I have a lady who does that. That's what women are for. The last time I went shopping was in 1946. I went to Woolworth's and lost all my money! No place for a man."

The woman behind me is laughing so hard that the seat is moving. "I've got four ex-wives," cried the driver. "It's true what they say, you know, you never see an ex-wife on a bicycle. They all drive BMWs. There are three ways to get a woman. Borrow, steal or marry one. Borrowing is the cheapest. Marrying them is expensive. Don't do it! It's true, you know, you never see an ex-wife on a bicycle!"

He pauses, but only to draw breath. "I saw one of my ex-wives the other day and she said `Take off your trousers'. Well, I thought that was rather cheeky because it had been a while. But then I might just have got lucky. But when I turned round she'd taken my trousers and all my money too!"

The bus groaned. I did a reality check. Was this really happening? The foreigners got off with a man and the driver pounced. "Now remember, Sir! No supermarkets. No place for a man! You never see an ex-wife on a bicycle!" Nor a bus, I thought, and I am pretty sure I know why.