Tips and pitfalls for having a threesome, according to people who’ve done it
Zendaya’s new film ‘Challengers’ has titillated audiences with a steamy scene of a three-way between the main characters. Helen Coffey asks the experts how to navigate these tricky waters, and whether it’s something we should all try at least once in our lives
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Your support makes all the difference.In the year of our Lord 2024, the idea of a threesome shouldn’t, by rights, be considered particularly taboo. But if the response to the new film Challengers – released in the UK this week and starring woman-of-the-moment Zendaya – is anything to go by, a ménage à trois still has the power to cause a stir.
Even the trailer got tongues wagging, showing as it did a brief clip of the Dune actor alongside her two co-stars and rivals in tennis and love, played by Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist, engaging in what appeared to be the opening stages of a three-way. (Some form of pun involving “more balls please” springs to mind.)
Along with polyamory, open marriages, swinging, throuples and all kinds of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), threesomes often get categorised as something outside the mainstream – the very idea of anything other than two people engaged in coitus being viewed by many as inherently countercultural.
“Open partnerships and open marriages are often stigmatised and negatively perceived by society,” says psychosexual psychotherapist Jordan Dixon. This, despite the fact that a threesome is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to a survey of more than 4,000 people aged 18-87 carried out by the Kinsey Institute’s Dr Justin Lehmiller. Ninety-five per cent of men and 87 per cent of women said they fantasised about sex with multiple partners. One in three members of sex-positive dating app Feeld lists having a three-way as a desire – representing a growth of over 60 per cent in the past year alone.
Non-monogamy is also nothing new; in much of the world, it is the norm. “These diverse types of relationships have been historically accounted for long before now,” adds Dixon. “Globally, more countries are non-monogamous than they are monogamous, mostly in the form of polygamy set-ups.” Yet even though non-monogamy is increasingly visible in the media and research, many people in traditionally monogamous societies are still put off exploring it because of the judgement factor.
L*, a 36-year-old from Kent, says they had to “really consider it and try to untrain the societal monogamy that’s ingrained in my brain” after their wife suggested exploring opening up their marriage to a third party. “My wife, who’s pansexual, came from the position that she missed being with women. It took some time for me to wrap my head around it; it really challenged my perspective.”
It’s inarguable that traditional relationship set-ups are on the decline – for the first time on record, the percentage of over-16s in England and Wales who are married or in a civil partnership has fallen below 50 per cent, according to Office for National Statistics (ONS) estimates. It’s also worth acknowledging that, even in a culture that prizes monogamy and nuclear families, roughly a quarter of people end up being sexually unfaithful in a relationship. Clearly, monogamy isn’t working for all of us.
“We should be less judgemental!” argues Stella Harris, a certified intimacy educator and coach who wrote The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes. “There is no one script for sex or relationships that works for everyone. And the more options we allow people to explore, the happier everyone will be.” She adds that, while it’s not for everyone, a threesome “can be a great way to explore one’s sexuality, discover new pleasures, and enjoy variety and novelty – all things that can help keep a relationship strong and happy”.
Kat, 34, says having a threesome with two women helped her explore her same-sex attraction for the first time. “It happened really organically,” she says. “It was with two friends – in hindsight, it was the first chance I’d had to explore my sexuality, and it felt a lot safer with two other females.” Her other threesome experience was as the third person invited to join an established heterosexual couple; though this required more boundary-setting and communication beforehand, she describes both experiences as overwhelmingly positive. “Threesomes are really fun – there’s nothing dirty about it. It’s sensual. It’s a sensory overload when two people are doing things to you. The feeling afterwards stays with you.” She stresses, though, that it’s nothing like “porn or threesomes you see on film or TV. There’s a lot of laughter involved.”
Despite the benefits, there is clearly scope for a three-way to go awry. According to the Kinsey Institute research, for those who had acted on their desires, having a threesome was the least likely sexual fantasy to have played out well in reality – in part due to people having mismatched expectations of the experience.
Even those areas where we hit something we weren’t comfortable with brought us closer as a couple
“Even with the utmost careful planning and discussions, things just don’t always work out and can impact us because not every sexual experience works out as we’d like it to,” says Dixon. “Being in a relationship with one person can be hard enough; opening it up can be extremely difficult and requires a great deal of work and communication.” It’s possibly not worth considering any type of non-monogamy if you don’t already “have a feeling of secure attachment in your relationship”, she adds.
Jealousy can be an issue – whenever I think of threesomes, I instantly picture the Sex and the City episode where Samantha and Richard attempt to have one with a young blonde hostess, who Samantha ends up literally kicking out of bed in a fit of pique. Harris warns that some couples end up treating the third person “like a sex toy”.
The latter is an experience Grace*, 45, can relate to. After coming out of a monogamous, “vanilla” heterosexual relationship of 10 years, she decided she wanted to have a period of sexual experimentation. She used Feeld to initially find couples with whom she could play the “unicorn” (the third party joining a pair). “With one couple I felt really comfortable,” she says, “But with another – I could tell I was just there to add spice to their sex life. I felt like a toy.” She now prefers to engage in threesomes with other single people, as they come with “less psychological baggage”, and advises couples to “remember to take into account that the unicorn has feelings and desires as well; they’re not just there for a husband or wife’s entertainment or to tick a box”.
As in all relationships, the adage “communication is key” holds true. The best way to ensure everyone is comfortable is to spend plenty of time talking and planning to work out the rules, conditions and boundaries for all parties. L and their wife only decided to pursue polyamory after much discussion, discovering, for example, that they were both a “bit more on the romantic side. It’s not just about hopping in the sheets but about going for dinner, going for dates.”
They met a woman with whom they had a “situationship” that was “more on the casual side than kitchen-table polyamory” and lasted for a couple of years. While both grappled with certain aspects of the three-person dynamic – L struggled initially with feeling like they weren’t “enough”, while their wife experienced moments of jealousy – overall it was a hugely positive experience.
“There have been a couple of times where we’ve met boundaries, but even those areas where we hit something we weren’t comfortable with brought us closer as a couple,” says L. “We got better at communicating and having those big conversations.” They add that one unexpected joy was finding that they “actually really enjoy seeing my partner date”.
Harris recommends testing the waters of how susceptible you are to jealousy long before bringing another person into the bedroom: “Start small. Talk to each other about celebrities you think are hot. Then try going to strip clubs or burlesque shows. Feel what it’s like to see your partner attracted to, or turned on by, another person.” Only once you’re very confident should you dive into a group dynamic; even then, it’s best to warm up rather than plunging in at the deep end immediately. “Try watching a sexy movie while the three of you snuggle,” suggests Harris. “Or exchange massages. If all goes well, and there’s chemistry, you can make a second date and go further.”
Meanwhile, if you’re an individual looking to have a threesome with a couple, paying attention to their dynamic and communication can help determine whether they’ll be a good fit when pursuing a sexual encounter. “Is just one person running the show?” asks Harris. “If both people don’t seem into it, that’s a red flag.” You want to feel that both partners are “enthusiastically consenting to the experience,” agrees Feeld CEO Ana Kirova. “If you feel unsafe or if this couple doesn’t quite excite you, don’t force it. Chemistry is just as important with two [or more] people as it is with one.”
Leave your prejudice at home, free your mind, and try it at least once
Grace says she now only entertains the idea of a threesome with a couple where the woman is the one initiating it, to ensure she’s not just part of a male fantasy: “I want to be 100 per cent confident that the other woman is comfortable because I don’t want to create drama in relationships.” Kat, meanwhile, would never have a threesome with the same couple twice – for her, it’s something “explorative and playful in that particular moment in time. I don’t want it then to be a regular thing in the way a monogamous relationship would be.”
What about the accepted wisdom that the third person should “always be a stranger” (the one rule I’ve taken as fact based purely on an episode of Gossip Girl in which Dan lives out his college sexual fantasies by foolishly climbing into bed with his best friend and girlfriend)? Don’t believe everything you watch, say the experts.
“There is no universal set of rules,” claims Harris. “Everyone will have different needs and desires when it comes to threesomes. Some folks feel better with a trusted friend and others would rather have someone outside their social circle. What’s important is that all the people get along and feel some kind of chemistry. And that chemistry doesn’t have to be sexual attraction; it could just be playful camaraderie.”
Kirova adds that, whether it’s three friends, play partners or even strangers, there will always be a different set of issues to plan for: “When any number of people engage with each other they are entering a space of intimacy and closeness that holds room for both excitement and potential complications. So, no matter how you all know each other, everyone should treat each other with respect and care while also having fun.”
The main thing is to explore what works for you – and never feel any pressure to have a threesome if it’s not your bag. “There is nothing wrong with keeping threesome fantasies in the realm of the imaginary,” says Dixon. “Sometimes, the fantasy can be better than the reality.”
But, if you’re curious and open-minded, it could just be something that shakes up your perspective and enhances your sex life in a completely new way. “Three years ago, I never thought I’d be doing this – and now I’m having the time of my life!” says Grace. “I feel like it’s totally rejuvenated me. I’d say: leave your prejudice at home, free your mind, and try it at least once.”
‘Challengers’ is in cinemas
*Names have been changed
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