Want to break up with your therapist? Here’s how to make the pivotal split

Despite how much time you may spend with a therapist, there often comes a moment when you question if you’re actually a good fit for each other. Amber Raiken speaks with two patients who cut ties with their therapists, and suggestions from a psychotherapist on how to call it quits

Want to break up with your therapist? Here’s how to make the pivotal split (Getty Images)

“You’re just choosing not to eat.” This was the first thing my therapist said to me during my junior year of college, after I told her I went four days without having an actual meal.

My therapist then asked me to share what I ate that week and the list was short: a few pieces of bread, six cups of coffee, and two Red Bulls. In response, she told me I was “creating more problems” for myself than I needed. I was too shocked to fully process what she said, so I just let her keep talking until our time was up.

I never wanted to speak to that therapist, who I’d been seeing for five months, ever again. We didn’t have a final session, since I had claimed in an email that I was too busy with school and would reach out at a better time. She understood and neither of us ever followed up.

Although I ghosted my therapist in 2019, I still regret that I didn’t call her out for her inappropriate comment. I felt like she was belittling my eating disorder. By choosing not to have a final session, there wasn’t any closure at the end of the relationship – similar to being ghosted in romantic relationships. But not every therapist breakup (or firing) happens without a goodbye.

Michigan-based lifestyle blogger Isabelle Lieblein began speaking to a therapist three years ago after she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – a condition marked by “extreme mood fluctuations, instability in interpersonal relationships, and impulsivity,” according to the Cleveland Clinic. When Lieblein and her therapist first connected, it was because he had specialized in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a form of talk therapy used for managing BPD.

“I was struggling a lot with self-harm and suicidal ideation,” she told The Independent. “Like, I drop a pencil and then I freak out because I have no emotional regulation skills. So, that’s why I was originally going to him and then I got a lot better and was super stable.”

According to Lieblein, who’s also on the autism spectrum, her therapy sessions became less productive as her mental health improved. Although she and her therapist would mainly spend their allotted hour chit-chatting, Lieblein began to recognize certain signs that they weren’t clicking.

“I had emotional regulation skills and the things that I needed help with were more related to everyday life. It kind of just fell apart into this where we were not doing much therapy and I’m paying a ton of money,” she said. “For example, I had a hard time identifying my emotions and he’d say: ‘Are you sure you don’t know?’ I’d say I could identify the physical symptoms of an emotion, and he would be like: ‘Let’s identify the feeling.’ It would just be an hour of us going back and forth about that.”

It took Lieblein three months before she officially broke up with her therapist. They had bonded so much over the years and the thought of starting over with someone new was scary, especially when her therapist knew everything about her. When she finally decided to cut ties, Lieblein confessed that she was more focused on his feelings than her own. So instead, she lied.

“I blamed the hour drive that I’d been doing to our sessions and said I couldn’t do that anymore. I didn’t have the heart to be like, ‘We don’t talk about therapy things,’ and I need that with autism,” Lieblein explained.

When her therapist asked if he had done something wrong to quit their sessions, Lieblein assured him no. “But there was, and I just didn’t have it in me to tell him,” she said. “Ending our relationship felt strange because I had shared so much with this person, and he’s no longer in my life anymore.”

During their farewell, Lieblein’s now-former therapist put her in contact with two mental health professionals – one who had experience with patients on the spectrum and was also a woman. The lifestyle blogger texted the therapist right away, and since March 2024, they’ve been working well together.

Although Lieblein didn’t inform her ex-therapist why she was breaking up with him, it doesn’t mean that unproductive therapy should go undiscussed. Speaking to The Independent, Charlotte Fox Weber – a London-based psychotherapist and author of What We Want: A Journey Through Twelve of Our Deepest Desires – shared that her clients have even been subjected to offensive remarks from their therapists. Her patients unfortunately left these comments unaddressed, prompting them to lie about a scheduling conflict or ghost their therapist altogether. Not only does Weber encourage people to openly criticize therapy when it’s unhelpful, but she also urges therapists to recognize when things just aren’t working. That way, an impending breakup between client and therapist won’t always be a mystery.

Much like romantic relationships, a breakup with your therapist can occur when your conversations just aren’t serving you (Getty Images)

“I think the radical honesty and being awkward and saying the difficult thing is almost always worthwhile. It’s really liberating to be able to say something that you wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable saying to a friend,” she explained. “And breaking through the defenses and the people pleasing habits, which you could be been doing for sake of your therapist. You’re now acknowledging that you haven’t really said how you’re feeling about the therapy.”

Weber expressed that she’s often seen clients leave a therapist because of a true misunderstanding. Since the entire premise of therapy is to discuss your problems and projections, you should be able to tell your therapist when a problem occurs during a session – and not feel afraid to be firm about it.

“Because if you’re miserable and not saying what’s going on with you and avoiding how you’re feeling, then what of your previous behaviors are you repeating?  I think you can remind yourself that this is a transactional relationship and you are allowed to be a customer. You can be demanding,” Webber explained. “You can be immersive and intense to allow your therapy to be a different experience than what it’s been and break a pattern, rather than just repeating all the patterns.”

Much like romantic relationships, a breakup with your therapist can occur when your conversations just aren’t serving you. The decision to leave can also come after your therapist gives you a response that feels dismissive. For Joslyn “Inkwell” Beard, who previously worked as a mental health professional for a family adoption service, she met with a series of therapists until she ultimately found the perfect fit. That is, until it wasn’t.

“I made a lot of great progress with her during our first year together, which was in 2020. I started my own nonprofit. I stood up for myself at work,” Beard explained. “I learned the beginning process of setting boundaries. It was going very well, up until that last session, I had no reason to think that there was anything wrong, genuinely.”

Their last session came after Beard hit a breakthrough in her mental health journey. She was driving on the road when an approaching car made a left turn into traffic, swerving directly into her lane. While she had avoided an accident, Beard’s first thought was: “I don’t want to die.” It was this feeling of wanting to live that she’d never experienced before, and felt excited to tell her therapist about the pivotal moment. However, her therapist did not have the reaction she expected.

“I told her all about this, and she didn’t respond. And I thought, maybe wanting her to respond wasn’t a normal thing, so I gave her some grace in that,” Beard explained. “But when I told her the whole thing, 11 minutes into our hour-long session, she said: ‘OK, anything else?’ I had no idea how to respond to that, other than saying my dentist appointment went well that day. And she says: ‘OK, Joslyn, have a good week. I’ll see you next week.’ And logs off.”

Beard was taken aback by the abrupt end to the session, so she texted her therapist and they hopped on another phone call. “You know Joslyn, I feel like I’m putting more into this than you are,” her therapist told her. She was stunned and angered by her response, and decided to cut ties with her right then and there. “Well, I think I need to find a therapist that isn’t centering herself in the middle of my healing process,” Beard replied, before hanging up the phone.

Beard’s decision to dump, or essentially fire, her therapist reminded her how mental health is stigmatized within the Black community. “Whether it’s mental or physical health, there’s all these misconceptions about getting help,” she added. “But my ex-therapist’s comment felt especially painful because it’s coming from an older, white woman. So I am feeling a cultural insensitivity that she obviously did not recognize.”

A 2013 study in the Nursing Journal found that depression was the most common mental illness among the 272 African Americans surveyed. Although participants’ attitudes suggested that they were “very concerned about the stigma associated with mental illness,” they were still somewhat open to seeking mental health services. Meanwhile, a survey conducted by the National Mental Health Association in 1998 found that 63 percent of African Americans believed that depression was a personal weakness.

For Beard, her emotional split with her therapist felt almost like someone in her life had just died. “I just felt so deeply betrayed, so heartbroken, and I knew she was wrong, which is not familiar for a traumatized person,” she explained. “Sometimes you don’t notice when someone has done something wrong until a few days later. But this time, I immediately recognized that, which was a huge breakthrough for me as well.”

The week after she left her therapist, she was connected with a new professional who had a neutral perspective – something that helps her process her emotions well. Beard has been with the therapist for three years.

Even though a relationship with a therapist is ultimately a working one, the decision to cut ties can can feel overwhelming (Getty Images)

Breaking up with anyone, especially someone you trusted, can be heartbreaking. While Beard described her breakup with her therapist as more of a termination, that doesn’t change how disappointing it felt to lose the relationship she thought they had.

Even though a relationship with a therapist is ultimately a working one – they’re being paid, after all – the decision to cut ties can feel overwhelming. Still, in the whirlwind of emotions, it’s important to remind yourself why you ended things in the first place.

“The breakup can be really dignified and respectful of all the work you've done in therapy. It feels like a grown-up move that is satisfying in a lasting way,” Weber said. “People can dread an ending, worrying about the separation and loss. But then, actually, you can come to admit that the breakup was a great thing for you and you’re really glad that it’s ended.”

Looking back on my own breakup with my ex-therapist, I’m happy our relationship ended the way that it did. I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to explain to her how severe my eating disorder was at the time, and I shouldn’t have to. Still, I can’t help but wonder that if I had called out her inconsiderate comment, would I have been more aware of my worth? While it doesn’t help to pine over things we did or didn’t do, I know now that the behaviors of my ex-therapist are not something I should accept from any mental health professional, friend, or partner that comes into my life.

For anyone struggling with the issues raised in this article, eating disorder charity Beat’s helpline is available 365 days a year on 0808 801 0677. NCFED offers information, resources and counselling for those suffering from eating disorders, as well as their support networks. Visit eating-disorders.org.uk or call 0845 838 2040

If you are experiencing feelings of distress, or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch.

If you are based in the USA, and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline on 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

If you are in another country, you can go to www.befrienders.org to find a helpline near you.