The intelligent consumer: FANDANGO

Fashion fashion fashion - last week saw the busiest London Fashion Week ever. Tons of beautiful models wearing beautiful clothes graced the catwalks - with the exception of Denise van Outen (who had obviously not heeded my advice to go on a long cruise via the Bermuda triangle) modelling at Vivienne Westwood. Denise, who appeared to be rather over- excited at the prospect of modelling for such a grande dame as our Viv, rather overworked it. There are only so many kisses you can blow to the photographers, sweetie. Anyway, on with the clothes. I'm afraid to say, it looks like we'll be seeing much more of the mini skirt next summer, with bare legs, which is a shame, as I wouldn't be seen dead in a mini without maximum density opaque tights with my varicose veins. Sheer, again, how great, can't wait, and lots of layered linen - again. That creased look suits my lifestyle. Oh, and boobs. Every designer made sure that one outfit exposed a pair of perfectly formed boobies, which made me cringe, it's so unnecessary. Still, take what I say with a pinch of salt, thrown over your shoulder for good luck for that matter, as I have to admit I spent most of fash week with a stinking hangover. I know I'm totally irresponsible - I must take my work much more seriously - it's just that I was forced to attend every party and soiree in town, being force fed with champers, of course. Hence, my concentration span was that of a goldfish.

The same old celebrities crept out of the woodwork to attend this season's shows. Dannii Minogue was there, who I first thought was Pamela Anderson until I realised it was diddy Dannii. A deep-dark-tanned Mandy Smith also popped up a few times, and good old Vanessa Phelps turned up at the Ben de Lisi show in the most outrageous gold and silver jacket. Sweetie, who kidded you to wear that? Was it a dare? Sitting next to Vanessa was the interesting Zandra Rhodes who decided to take 40 winks... zzzzzz. And not forgetting Mariella Frostrup and Penny Smith, who giggled and chatted their way through the show - how very rude! Spotted Jarvis Cocker at the fantastic Diesel party. He decided to go through the maze of entertainment the wrong way, thus receiving a ticking off from myself, which he chose to ignore, of course.

Speaking of Jarvis, I've been informed by a PR that being the trendsetter he is, he apparently wears Old Spice after shave (left). Interesting, eh? The difference is that it's not the one that comes in the red bottle that your dad used to wear. Oh no, it's their new fragrance "Whitewater" (left). Damien Hirst also likes to splash it over his body and drench his work in it - just kidding. I wonder who they will choose to advertise it? They certainly won't be able to use the slogan "mark of a man" - it simply won't wash.

Poor model Amy Wesson (right), who is being sued by her old agency Company Management because she was allegedly sooo spaced out when she turned up for photo shoots. According to her ex boss, Michael Flutie, she couldn't even stand up! Is this a matter of chase the dragon or hound the supermodel?

Okay, back to winter. Elo, that nice model I go on about, has been modelling the Alpha USA M-65 field coat at pounds 105. Alpha has been supplying the US military for more than 35 years with outer-wear such as flight jackets, parkas and field coats. Perfect for winter for you chaps and lassies - Marilyn Monroe wore the B15 jacket when she entertained the troops in 1959. Steve McQueen wore an MA-1 to ride his motorbike - cor! As well as classic "military" colours, the various styles come in white, sand, chocolate, silver and red. Enquiries: 0181 450 8777.

Something to look forward to this A/W, an exhibition of American photographer Bruce Weber's work at the National Portrait Gallery, from the end of November. Sponsored by British designer Margaret Howell, whose creative collaboration with Weber dates from the early Eighties, the exhibition will be a collection of Weber's personal work and selected images from his work with Howell. As well as the exhibition, Howell's autumn collection is well worth a look. Exquisitely tailored suits, spiderweb knitwear and paisley shirts sum up this season's feel for understated dressing.