Testimony: Auntie ag & uncle ony

My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 years. Usually on a Friday night I might knock her about a bit - only in fun - but she always seemed to think it was just a bit of a laugh. Since the Gazza business she has started to kick up something rotten. How can I convince her not to believe everything she reads in the newspapers?

Barry, Berkshire

Uncle Ony: What you need to examine, Barry, is why you have been, as you say "knocking your girlfriend around". The important thing, above all else, is to understand this issue. You must seek counselling as a matter of urgency.

Auntie Ag: Counselling is not absolution. The important thing, Barry, is that you stop knocking your girlfriend about, otherwise it might be a good idea if you start thinking about what you read in the papers. Does the word "Bobbitt" mean nothing to you?

I have known my girlfriend for some time and have always thought we were very well suited. Recently, however, she has begun to insist that when we go out I wear her underclothes, typically a silk vest, silk knickers, suspender belt and stockings. The last time we went out for dinner, I was trussed up like this and she spent the entire evening stroking my leg and whispering lewd suggestions in my ear. She now tells me she wants to make love in the bedding department of Debenhams with me wearing only her undergarments. I consider myself to be a thoroughly Nineties man but am finding these developments unsettling. How can I accommodate her wishes while retaining my integrity?

David, Edinburgh

Uncle Ony: It is typical of Nineties women to have indoctrinated men into believing that a refusal to grant even the most bizarrely selfish request will brand them regressive and a chauvinist. Your girlfriend may be suffering from some psychosexual disorder, this may be a genuine longstanding fetish which she has finally felt able to release or, and this strikes me as more likely, she is attempting to humiliate you in order to gain dominance - both sexually and within the relationship as a whole. If you find the dressing up unsettling, stop it at once, and insist on discussing the issue at length with your girlfriend in the presence of a counsellor.

Auntie Ag: Ugh, I really wouldn't go for the Debenhams plan. You'll be besieged by young men in stiff suits asking if you fancy any pink Dralon buttoned bedheads. I don't think the wearing of silk suspender belts in department stores really lends itself to logical, ethical discussion, do you, darling? Why not just go tit for tat and demand she makes love to you wearing only your jock strap and cricket box in the 80 per cent nylon section of Allied Carpets.

My family has started to ask about Christmas presents already and I just cannot face this Christmas present thing again, I mean everyone telling each other what they want or demanding to know what others want so it just become a sort of financial exchange.

Lucy, Malvern.

Uncle Ony: You're quite right. Your family have lost sight of the true spirit of giving, and of Christmas. You would all do well to abandon presents for a year, and examine what is left. Failing that, why not make a rule that all presents must be surprises, with a ceiling on the price and chosen with love and a great deal of thought?

Auntie Ag: On the other hand, darling, the last thing one wants is to end up with an array of yoghurt makers and devices to get lids of jars when one could be unwrapping Tiffany boxes and little silky things in tissue paper. If you really feel they're overdoing it, then why not beat them at their own game: circulate a rather expensive gift list for yourself from four of your favourite stores, together with a detailed questionnaire describing their own present needs for them all to fill in in triplicate.

Last week I wrote to you about how to get talking to this guy I fancy who goes to the same cafe as me in the mornings. Uncle Ony said I should make the first move and ask if I could join him and Auntie Ag said I should drop a glove as I passed him. I tried Auntie Ag's advice first, which worked a treat: he came over to me with the glove and gave me a beautiful smile. The trouble is the next two mornings all he did was smile and nod at me, so this morning I got impatient and did as Ony said and asked if I could join him. He seemed incredibly embarrassed, answered me in monosyllables and kept staring down at his paper. Now I think I've wrecked the whole thing.

Rachel, Manchester

Uncle Ony: How little women understand men. I'm sure he was delighted that you joined him, and merely overcome with shyness, and pretending to read the newspaper to cover his confusion. I'm sure too you'll find tomorrow it'll be him who's joining you.

Auntie Ag: Hmm. You see, darling, dating is like dancing and you really have to give them at least the illusion that they are at the helm. He may feel you're trying to steer him into some sort of uncontrollable rumba, but give it a couple of days with the pair of you at your own tables, doing nothing but returning each other's smiles and he'll be desperate to find out whether he put you off with his monosyllables and then he'll be having chocolate croissants and trinkets sent over.