Smoky bacon shampoo. Believe it

The idea of putting alcohol in lemonade and other innocent products is catching on faster than you think. Here's a check-list of some of the new give-you-a-lift items now on the market!

"Moonshine" Hair Shampoo and Conditioner

It is now commonplace to add food products to shampoo (you can already find lemon, avocado, seaweed, and other edible things in shampoo, and it's only a matter of time before they add smoky bacon, and salt and vinegar), but this is the first time that wine and spirits have been commercially added to shampoos. The theory is that alcohol can actually be taken in through the scalp, so it is possible to get mildly intoxicated while actually washing your hair. Four flavours: vodka, gin, whisky and aloe vera and tonic.

Really Real Wine Gums

Most people have their first introduction to wine through wine gums, those deliciously coloured sweets marked variously "Claret", "Burgundy", "Hock" and so on. Later on they encounter real wine for the first time, and it is a moment of total disillusionment - wine tastes horrible, nothing like the wonderful chewy, flabby, long-lasting sweets they remember from their childhood. Wine does not leave nice bits stuck under your gum. Wine comes in only one colour - red, or less red. After wine gums, it takes a long time to get used to boring old wine. But now Really Real Wine Gums have put all this right by producing a wine gum which really does contain wine, and tastes like wine, and which, taken in sufficient paper bagfuls, can make you drunk! Be the first on your block to be a wine gum snob.

High Kick Aftershave

Aftershave does already contain a minimum of alcohol - the stuff wouldn't be called Brut otherwise - but High Kick are the first people to go for it and produce what they call an aperitif aftershave, for the man who shaves twice a day. "Nothing can be nicer than that evening shave followed by the first cocktail - so now why not combine them? Inhale as you put on your aftershave - and feel the difference!"

Toothpaste With A Taste

Toothpaste at the moment is limited to the few boring available flavours such as mint, spearmint and peppermint, which is presumably why people so often brush their teeth to try to get rid of the smell of drink. The smell of mint is meant to betoken a clean breath. But "Toothpaste With a Taste" goes the other way - it actually comes in four different alcoholic flavours: rum, whisky, sherry and beer. So, if for instance you come home smelling of whisky, all you have to do is brush your teeth with whisky- flavoured Toothpaste With A Taste! Then, when your loved one says accusingly, "You stink of Scotch!" you simply say, "Not surprising, my dearest - I have just been brushing my teeth!"

Sniff-And-Go Paper Tissues

Alcohol-imbued tissues will soon be all the rage among the older set. If young people can have their lemonade spiked, then surely the oldies can sit and sniff and have a good time. Have a good look next time you see a pensioner apparently suffering a bad case of the sniffles. That smile will give him away . . .

"Cheers!" Dog Biscuits

Most cat and dog foods have traditionally been aimed at giving the pet added vitality, but what about the household animal that already has far too much vitality and needs calming down a bit? We all know the kind of dog that chases its own tail all day long till it drives you crazy, or the kind of cat that fills all its spare time scratching chair and table legs!

Well, at last there is a pet food which deals with them, because "Cheers!" Dog Biscuits (and "Scat" Cat Pills) now have alcohol in them, and the effect is instantaneous. Take a couple of these, and your hyperactive pet will slow down to a reasonable pace. Take a couple more, and it will be walking unsteadily. Two more and it will keel over where it stands and go into a deep sleep - and boy, will its hangover slow it down when it wakes up! Made by Bob Martini's Pet Products.

Luckily, I have access to all those products and many more, such as alcohol-scented shoe polish, spray-on alcohol for cut flowers, etc, etc. If you need any, just send me a list and a blank cheque . . . .