I was told it’s ‘unethical’ to let your children know the truth about Santa Claus

New research claims that lying to our children about Father Christmas coming down the chimney to deliver presents is a form of bad parenting. Charlotte Cripps talks to the experts to find out whether it’s time to bust the myth rather than perpetuate it

New research claims lying to our children about Santa – and presumably the Elf on the Shelf, too – is a form of bad parenting (iStock)

In my house, Father Christmas is real. So is the Elf on the Shelf – it’s a new addition to our festive make-believe world this year. It hangs on the bannisters, or off the side of the bunk bed looking cheeky with its hands stuck together with Velcro. I have to secretly move it every night to a new location, or else my children complain that “it’s not doing anything”.

Six-year-old Liberty, though, has been getting suspicious lately. When she saw an identical elf in our local supermarket, I could see her begin to question it. And I have my own suspicions that Lola, eight, already knows the truth despite her claims otherwise – some of her friends, at least, definitely know Santa and the elf aren’t real. I say nothing, of course, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. But now I’m questioning the whole thing: new research claims lying to our children about Santa – and presumably the elf – is a form of bad parenting.

Dr Joseph Millum, a philosopher at the University of St Andrews, has been researching the ethics of lying to one’s children for a bigger philosophical project on the ethics of parenting. Last week he argued in The Conversation that enabling children to believe in Father Christmas is “unethical” and “manipulative”, that it “breaches their trust” and is an example of “parenting by lying” – meaning being deceptive in order to control a child’s behaviour or emotions.

“If a parent says, ‘If you don’t behave, then Father Christmas won’t bring you any presents,’ that’s ‘parenting by lying’,” Dr Millum tells me. “I think controlling a child’s behaviour with a lie like this is manipulative. There are other ways to teach children how to behave, so we shouldn’t resort to this sort of manipulation.”

I have to confess that only a few days ago I used the same trick; I told Liberty I’d phone Father Christmas and tell him not to bother to come if she didn’t turn off her iPad. Often parents like me, who tell “the Santa Claus lie”, don’t do so to control behaviour, but Dr Millum says this doesn’t matter. “Although it’s not as bad if the lie is just for fun, it’s still unethical. It breaches trust and it risks upsetting the child.”

So when it comes to either stopping or perpetuating the big Father Christmas hoax with our children, what exactly should parents be doing? Earlier this year, University of Texas psychologist Dr Candice Mills published The Santa Project, which used surveys and data to determine that the average age children stop believing in Santa is eight years old. She tells me that several other studies, including Professor Chris Boyle’s international Exeter Santa Study in 2018, and also ones in the late 1970s through early 1990s, made similar findings. But while changes in technology – such as social media and the internet – might make it possible for children to discover the truth earlier, this seemingly has no impact on children’s gullibility.

Technology can make it easier for children to retain their beliefs in Santa. For instance, parents can use phone apps to superimpose an image of Santa Claus near their Christmas tree to provide ‘evidence’ that he visited

Dr Candice Mills

“Technology can also make it easier for children to retain their beliefs in Santa,” explains Dr Mills. “For instance, parents can use phone apps to superimpose an image of Santa Claus near their Christmas tree to provide ‘evidence’ that he visited. We don’t think there’s any clear evidence of changes in innocence over the last 40 or 50 years.”

She also found that even if children experience negative emotions upon discovering the truth, it’s short-lived. “Most report plans to continue the Santa celebration with their own kids one day,” she says. Parents, she found, also don’t always consider they are blatantly lying to their children about Santa by keeping the myth alive. “Some parents feel like a conversation about Santa is playful – kind of like a game of pretend. Also, kids can ask lots of different questions about Santa Claus. Saying something like, ‘Santa Claus has reindeer that fly’ is true within the context of the story of Santa Claus, similar to how saying, ‘Harry Potter is a wizard’ is true for that particular fictional universe. Parents tend to see those kinds of statements as less deceptive than, ‘Yes, Santa is the person who came into our house and put the presents under the tree’.”

Professor Boyle at the University of Adelaide tells me that the issue of when to tell your child the truth about Father Christmas is an important one. He received 1,200 responses from all around the world in his study – mainly from adults looking back at their childhoods – and found that 65 per cent of people had actually played along with the Santa myth when they were children, even though they knew it wasn’t true.

A third of respondents said they had been upset when they discovered Father Christmas wasn’t real, while 15 per cent had felt betrayed by their parents and 10 per cent were angry. A total of 72 per cent of parents are happy to play along with the myth, with the rest choosing not to.

However, the issue of psychological harm is more about “missing the cues” that your child has already figured out the truth, he says. “If they ask you directly and you suspect that they have found out that Santa is not real, then it would be unwise to keep the ‘collective lie’ going for longer.” In younger children, there may be “more scope” to keep the myth going, he says. There is usually no long-term damage caused by lying about Santa. Instead, he says, it has benefits, such as “sheltering children from the harsher realities of life”.

“Ultimately believing in Santa is a positive and important part of many a person’s childhood,” says Professor Boyle. “Finding out about the Santa myth is arguably the beginning of that slippery slope where we all leave childhood for something else. We always reminisce about childhood and the innocence that existed. If only, as adults, we could believe in Santa for just one more Christmas. Where is the harm in that?”

A baby weeps in Santa’s lap (presumably they sense they are being lied to) (iStock)

Dr Tom Whyman, a lecturer in Philosophy at the University of Liverpool, doesn’t think parents have a duty to be “unfailingly honest” with their children. “The view that we have an absolute duty not to lie is an extreme one: very few people share Immanuel Kant’s view that if an axe murderer came to your house asking where your family is, you still have a duty not to lie,” he points out.

Dr Millen, on the other hand, is adamant we shouldn’t lie about Santa a minute more. But, it’s not such a “bad lie” that we should all be going around telling other parents what to do. “I think that the Santa lie is unjustified,” says Dr Millun, “but we don’t need to expose the myth by telling other people’s children the truth – that’s for their parents to do.”

So where does this leave me? I think I’ll just wait for my children to work it out for themselves – and in the meantime try not to promote the myth too heavily. I don’t remember being negatively impacted by believing in Father Christmas as a child, or really registering when I was in on a joke. As a parent, I get huge joy from creeping around in the middle of the night trying not to trip over the bed with the stocking full of presents. But I need to be careful. The truth is, according to research, many children find out Santa doesn’t exist because of the bumbling mistakes of adults.