Real bodies: Rehab notes

AFTER MY "holiday", it's been back to ground zero with a thump. Six people were caught having sex, in the traditional multiples of two, including Mark the Style Guru who actually did it with his girlfriend who was on a visit. They spent two hours in his room "persuading her that she needed treatment". If she has sex with Mark the Style Guru, she does.

A cache of Mars bars, Aspirin and homo-erotic magazines was discovered under the floorboards in Paolo's room. And then the television was stolen. Consequently there's been a clampdown.

On top of the searches and general finger-pointing, it was my turn for psychodrama. Our Great Leader "takes" psychodrama and it's the one event in the week which sets the place alight for me. I've been psychodrama- ed before and found it unsuccessful, though with some people great revelations have occurred.

This time, Our Leader instructed the group to place one dining table on top of another and for me to lie face down on the top, with my face over the edge. He then instructed Mark the Style Guru to lie on his back on the table below and look up at me. This was a conscious decision as he perceives there to be a rivalry between Mark the Style Guru and me. I think, though, that the war is entirely one-sided: his.

Anyway, Wideboy, as I prefer to call Mark, looked up at me and I eyeballed him back, while Our Leader whispered some instructions in his ear.

Wideboy then began to extol my virtues as a writer, as a human being and as a friend. He told me how much he would like to be up there in the clouds with me, and how much he admired me - effectively how wonderful I am.

This went on for some time and I responded, under instruction, about my ambitions as a writer. I was then told to get down from my cloud and was surrounded by the group who told me incessantly how popular I am, how amusing, how clever and how I could do anything I wanted in life.

This was obviously very embarrassing, though somewhat gratifying.

Again, though, the psychodrama only half worked for me. Self-esteem, or lack of it, is at the heart of any addict's problems. My problem is that I see no reason to lack self-esteem. I've had, to a large extent, a blessed life. Nauseating though it is to admit it, I know that I'm popular. I know that I'm intelligent. I know that I'm an attractive personality.

So why do I lack self-esteem? Perhaps because, although I know it, I don't feel it. Knowing I don't feel it is the best I can do. Getting in touch with your feelings is all that treatment is about.