Reader Dilemma: 'Things have gone missing from my flat and wrongly I'm a suspect - what do I do?'

'I can’t confide in any of them because I can’t trust any of them!'

Whoever it is has made certain that they haven’t stolen anything from me, so I can see why people are suspicious. (Isopix/REX Shutterstock)

Dear Virginia

I’ve moved into a flat with three other girls, and I thought we were all getting on really well. The only problem is that things have suddenly started going missing – a £10 note here, a ring there, food from the fridge – and I’m not sure, but I feel everyone suspects me, as the newest arrival. I feel most uncomfortable, and don’t know what to do. Whoever it is has made certain that they haven’t stolen anything from me, so I can see why people are suspicious. I can’t confide in any of them because I can’t trust any of them! What should I do?

Yours sincerely, Annie

Virginia says

This sort of thing can drive a person round the bend. And who knows, perhaps it’s designed to. Or, of course, perhaps you’re all suffering from mass paranoia – the food was eaten by someone perfectly legitimately, the tenner was spent by someone who thought it was theirs and the ring is still to be discovered, nestling in the cracks in the sofa.

Once one thing goes missing, it’s very easy for people to be on the alert for finding other things going missing. I once was convinced that someone who worked for me was stealing the odd £20 quid. I confided in a friend, another person he worked for, and it turned out that, now I mentioned it, he’d harboured suspicions, too. Between us we were on guard, and anything we lost we put down to this guy pinching it. Eventually, the bits turned up, and over the years it became clear that he was honest as the day was long. I’ve felt guilty about our suspicions ever since. It was clearly collective paranoia.

But if you’re right, and someone is actually out to nick things, is there really none among the three girls who you feel you could trust? Would it not be possible to lay a trap, with her agreement, by leaving something around on a day when there was no way that either of you were in, so that you could at least limit the suspicions to one of the other two?

Or would it not be even better and more courageous to have a group discussion and ask everyone to dredge their minds as to who might have got a key to the flat? A cleaner? A past tenant? The caretaker? Have you discussed this with other tenants in the same building – if they’re finding things going missing then clearly it’s an outside rather than an inside job. Suggest installing cameras – mad as this may sound, it will definitely ensure that you are seen as a more innocent party.

It’s important that you, Annie, initiate these lines of inquiry, because it will seem less likely that you’re the perpetrator. And, do admit how worried you feel that they suspect you, so that you can get the silent accusation out into the open.

But if their suspicions can’t be allayed, things continue to vanish and you still feel you’re under a cloud, it might be best if you considered moving out, unfair as it is. You think you’re fitting in well. Perhaps you’re not, and someone holds a grudge against you but can’t express it directly. Whatever, it’s not worth spending time in an environment in which you feel excluded or not trusted, for whatever reason. If you can prove you’re innocent, fine. But life’s too short to spend time and anxiety in unmasking some unkind and manipulative member of the household when there are other flats you could live in that have a far nicer atmosphere.

Readers say...

You need to be a detective

The best option for you is to change accommodation. If you can’t do that, schedule a meeting with all your flatmates and ensure that everyone keeps their belongings under lock and key as much as is practically possible.

Even if the stealing doesn’t stop, you’ll be free from all suspicion for taking this initiative.It would also make the stealer very alert and careful.

However, try to consider if any of these flatmates were particularly unwelcoming or were not too happy to have another flatmate. The possibility that this could all be a trap to humiliate you and force you to move out cannot be completely eliminated, either. So put on your Sherlock cap!

Soumyadip Bose, India (holidaying in the UK)

Look for another flat

Find alternative accommodation as soon as you can, and politely give the necessary notice. If you are not the thief, then at least one of your fellow tenants is. And trying to palm the suspicion off on you is a classic for dishonest types. Most unpleasant.

Cole Davis by email

Be more open with them

I am going to operate on the assumption that you are uninvolved. That being so, you owe your housemates precisely no explanations. If they reach the incorrect conclusion, your behaviour is (presumably) beyond reproach.

That said, if finding housing is difficult – and lets face it, it nearly always is – you may wish to take pre-emptive action to avoid fingers being pointed. Be honest, call a house meeting with everyone who lives there. Speak openly and forthrightly, and state your innocence plainly. Let others voice their concerns. Do not accuse or rebuke; just state the facts as you see them and how that is making you feel.

If the folks you live with are worth a damn, they will respond to your honesty with respect ,and at least all the cards are on the table and everyone knows what is going on. If they respond negatively, you should probably seek alternative accomodation even if the thief is discovered. If they haven’t the maturity to respond to honest, if uncomfortable, discussion of simple issues in an adult way, they will likely only give you grief in the future.

Warren, Barking, London

Next week's dilemma

Having had a very anxious and upsetting time recently, I was referred to a psychiatrist. She suggested that I try some sort of therapy and since I can’t afford one-to-one therapy, she advised I attend a group, which is much cheaper. I am terrified enough of therapy, but the idea of attending a group really frightens me and sometimes I can’t sleep at night for worrying about it. And yet I’m sure the psychiatrist is right and it would help to get to the bottom of my problems. How can I overcome this fear just to attend one session at least?

Yours sincerely, Hattie

What would you advise Hattie to do?

To answer this dilemma, or to share your own problem, write to dilemmas@independent.co.uk, including your address. Anyone whose advice is quoted or whose dilemma is published will receive a Finest Bean Mini Bar Gift Pack from Prestat (prestat.co.uk)