no more like you at home

Birth order, we learn, can dictate personality. But what if you're an only child? Are you destined to be spoilt and difficult, or uniquely gifted? Emma Cook reports

Julie Burchill once summed up the meeting of minds between herself and longtime friend Peter York, the social commentator, when she explained quite candidly: "I spotted straight away that he was an only child; I'm one too. Somebody once said that only children are natural psychopaths; it does take a big jump for us to relate to people in the way others do. You identify with people as objects to push about."

This may not be the most endearing of descriptions but it does reveal the sense of difference that the only child feels compared to those with brothers and sisters. In part this sense of shared experience may have more to do with how others see them as much as how they see themselves. In China, parents are no longer allowed more than one child, and the absence of other siblings in a family has become the norm. In our culture, however, the lone child still raises questions. As child psychologist Dr Richard Woolfson says: "I think society asks 'Why only one?' It's not so much stigma as expectation - it's a cultural thing."

Certainly Julie Burchill's identity is bound up with feeling like an impartial outsider and, consequently, being able to move through and write about different social and cultural groups. She also says of her friendship with York: "At a certain level, even while Peter feels complete affection for someone, there's also this detachment, which I certainly have." It's no coincidence that both York and Burchill are able to step outside their culture with ease and observe it objectively.

This sense of distance can also contribute to a positive feeling of "uniqueness". Only child John Cleese admits in Families - and How to Survive Them that his solitary status made him feel unusual. "Because you're the only one, I think you get the idea that you're a little bit 'special'. Perhaps that's why I find that I share some of the 'outsider' attitudes." His upbringing was also a relatively sheltered one. "I was more fragile than my friends - which can be made worse because parents of only children have to put all their concern and worry into you, instead of sharing it around on your brothers and sisters."

Such intensity of investment in an only child often leads it to be accused of being "spoilt" with the attention - material and emotional - that would otherwise be divided between two or three siblings. According to Jonathan Bradley, child and adolescent psychotherapist at the Tavistock Centre, there is little basis for such an assumption. "Just because you're an only child it certainly doesn't follow that you'll feel more wanted," observes Bradley. "There's no guarantee that actual levels of care will be greater since that depends on many circumstances."

But that's not how it looks to children from larger families who, from a young age, have to compete with several others for their parents attention. In this sense, only children can often be the object of envy. Helen, a 30-year-old teacher living in Nottingham, was extremely irritated by her friends' belief that, as an only daughter, she must be spoilt. "They always used to assume I could get everything I wanted - that I'd automatically get twice as many Christmas presents as them and twice as much pocket money," she says. "They felt my parents were naturally over-indulgent. All the only children I know are so self-conscious about this sort or stereotype."

Again, the only child's sense of difference is often enhanced by other people's perception of them. "One thing I really remember was other children wanting to know why you're an only child," says Nicola, a 33-year-old researcher from London. "They can be terribly conservative about families and even when you're quite young, you're expected to provide a reason."

Nicola would view other families brimming over with siblings with similar curiosity. "I find them quite strange," she says, "And relationships people have with their siblings are quite extraordinary. I can't understand all that; the amazing bond and the assumption that brothers or sisters will be there for each other, even if they don't get on that well, because of their shared history." She adds: "If you don't have that and other people do, you grow up quite differently."

Julia Cole, a therapist and counsellor for Relate, says that in terms of relationships such a difference can be positive as well as negative. "For some it's a plus they feel they've gained an awful lot from their family and have high self-esteem. For others it means they're less able to understand a family of siblings. They may somehow lack the skill to make an intimate bond because they've only had experience of forming relationships through their parents."

Psychologist and only child Margaret McAllister also feels there are good and bad aspects. "On the one hand I always wanted to have a brother. But certainly there are advantages; you have undivided parental interest, all the good things in the family. Then there are disadvantages; when parents get ill the only child is the one who's expected to give support."

Certainly, ties that only children form with their parents can be intense. As John Cleese says: "Because your parents have only you, it's harder to escape and become independent of them." Nicola feels that as a teenager it was harder to understand her parents. "It took me a bit longer to get my head round them. I'd have got there quicker with a brother or sister around."

According to Jonathan Bradley this can also make it more difficult to establish a sense of identity. "One central issue in adolescence is finding a role. In families of more than one sibling, the direction of the first child is often the opposite to those that follow - it's a kind of negative frame of reference the other siblings adopt. The task of someone alone is where to find that frame of reference."

One source is likely to be their parents. In this sense, only children share many characteristics with eldest children. Dr Woolfson explains: "They tend to be high achievers and generally do better in life. This is because parents are fairly focused on the first born and obviously that pattern will continue if it's the only born." He also says that they are more likely to make better leaders than siblings. For evidence, look no further than Dr Frank J Sulloway's recent book Born To Rebel - Birth order, Family Dynamics And Creative Lives. "During World War II," Dr Sulloway explains, "most major political leaders were firstborns or only children, including Roosevelt, Churchill, Mussolini and Stalin. Adolf Hitler is an exception, but only a partial one. He was his mother's first surviving child, and she strongly favoured him over two older stepchildren from her husband's previous marriage."

Dr Sulloway also says that only children are unpredictable in terms of what they can achieve - without other siblings their potential for diversity seems greater. He cites Robin Williams and Leonardo da Vinci as examples. "Williams plays so many different roles and as a child invented lots of different playmates. Da Vinci is also like 10 different people in one."

Despite the occasional tendency towards megalomania, the traits associated with only children are positive, says Dr Woolfson. "What comes out from research is that only children are normal. On the social side at school they have as wide a range of friendships as any other birth order. And statistically they're less likely to need psychological help in childhood," he enthuses. "Most people assume an only child is a shame, but it's really not the case."

THE ONLY HEARTS CLUB

Paula Yates, former 'Tube' presenter and author

Psychologists claim that the stereotypical image of the only child as a spoilt, attention-seeking brat is pure fiction. Unfortunately, the case of Paula Yates does little to dispel this particular sibling myth. Psychologists have also failed to recognise the connection between only-children and blonde aspirers with famous pop singer boyfriends, like Marianne Faithfull.

John Cleese, writer and comedian

Professed to feeling a little bit 'special' as the only child. He would also support the psychologists' view that only children are more likely to succeed than other siblings because they are the sole focus of their parents' attentions.

Julie Burchill, writer

Admits that as an only child 'It does take a big jump for us to relate to people in the way others do.' Burchill's delight in provocative polemics - from the age of 16 - does little to smash the somewhat precocious image of the only-child (See Paula Yates).

Joseph Stalin, dictator

According to Dr Sulloway, Stalin was functionally an only child - his three siblings died in infancy. The focus of his mother's love, he grew up with a sense of his own omnipotence. Maybe an extra brother or two would have tamed his ego. As Burchill commented: "Somebody once said that only children are like psychopaths ..."

EM Forster, novelist

Another only child who was the product of an absent father and devoted mother love. Rather than taking the brutal dictatorship route, Forster developed into a sensitive, literary figure. The writer Christopher Gillie says of Forster's childhood: 'His self-will luxuriated in pleasure- seeking, unchecked by the competition of equals in sex, age and social station.'

OTHER SOLO SUCCEEDERS

Robert De Niro

Anthony Hopkins

Vivien Leigh

Jack Lemmon

Roger Moore

Gregory Peck

William Shatner

Robin Williams

John Lennon

Ringo Starr

Elvis Presley

Frank Sinatra

Isaac Newton

Leonardo Da Vinci

Adam Smith

Enoch Powell

Nick Faldo