When to worry if your partner has a ‘work wife’
How to have the conversation
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Kelly Rissman
US News Reporter
A close, platonic friendship with a co-worker – or what’s known as a ‘work spouse’ – often of the opposite sex, is nothing new. With the hours we spend at work, and the success and stress shared, it’s common for strong bonds to form.
But if you’re in a committed relationship and your partner is close to a colleague, where is the line? Should you chill out and trust them, or question if it’s healthy for such a relationships to exist at all?
BACP-registered counsellor and therapist Lindsay George, says: “Like many preferences and dynamics within a relationship, it really is up to the individual couple to decide what boundaries work best for their relationship, and prescriptive relationship rules simply don’t work for everyone.”
She defines a work wife or husband as “someone you can confide in, share your successes and defeats with, helps you navigate your way through the myriads of office politics, and generally rely on as a sounding board and support system”.
George adds: “The reason they’re called ‘work spouses’ is that you probably spend about as much – or more – time with them than your actual spouse.”
What feelings might it bring up for you?
“If you’ve learnt that your partner has a work spouse, it’s normal to feel a little jealous or threatened. After all, they may be spending more time with them than they are with you. However, before you start feeling too insecure or accusing them of cheating, try to understand why they may have acquired a work spouse in the first place, and how this might be a benefit to them in the workplace,” George says.
“Most likely, your partner’s work spouse is simply a colleague who they have a good relationship with. If you want to stay sane, it’s important to remember that your partner’s work spouse is not a threat. They are simply colleagues that have created a strong bond due to working closely together.”
How to have the conversation
However, if you are still feeling vulnerable, it’s a good idea to have a frank discussion with your partner.
“Explain how their relationship is affecting you and that you need help understanding it better,” says George. “Ask for reassurance. Find out why they like spending time together; do they give each other emotional support? Do they share common interests? And if so, what are these? Showing an interest reduces any potential conflict, encourages your partner to be open about it, and enables you to feel a part of rather than an outsider to it.”
When should you be worried?
Nevertheless, there may still be issues that give you cause for concern.
“Is your partner refusing to talk about their work spouse or their relationship with them, and doesn’t want you to meet them? Are they spending time together during non-office hours? And doing non work activities – e.g. going shopping, or watching a film on a weekend?” George asks. “Does your partner start to compare you to their work spouse? And perhaps say things like, ‘You don’t understand me the way they do’.
“You may discover they’ve been confiding in each about personal matters, even marital ones. If your partner is chatting intimately about their life more to their work spouse than to you, your relationship is in danger. These are signs of an emotional connection and are more representative of a romantic relationship than a platonic friendship.
“Whether it’s purely platonic or something more, it makes perfect sense not to ignore it, because when two people are close at work, there is always the risk of an emotional affair, which can be damaging and destructive to those around them.”
How to solve it
Being honest with yourself is equally as important as being open and honest with each other, says George. “Whatever role this office spouse plays, you need to assess your own relationship and see if anything is needing more attention.
“Is there anything missing regarding intimacy between you both or communication issues that are causing tension? Is there some aspect of your relationship that can be improved? Is your partner looking to their work spouse for something they’re not getting at home?”
Working through these questions honestly with each other will help your relationship become stronger, while also minimising any threat of something potentially happening between them and their work spouse, she adds.
“The key here is to create strong boundaries in order to determine what is and what’s not acceptable, to maintain trust and transparency for all concerned.
“Being open and honest, and using the ‘I’ rather than the ‘you’ [when explaining concerns] is less accusatory and will help facilitate a more open discussion about what exactly is going on between them, so that you can decide whether you need to take action or accept it for what it is – which may be merely a level of support at work that makes life easier to manage.”
To find a therapist registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) visit bacp.co.uk.