Beyond the fairytale: Moore family law group’s Holly J. Moore on real relationships and the hard work of love
Breaking free from unrealistic relationship expectations
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Many of us have heard the stories: the prince rescues the princess, they share a magical kiss, and then they live happily ever after. This narrative, deeply embedded in our culture by fairytales and amplified by the glossy perfection of social media, paints an idyllic picture of romantic relationships. It’s a world where love conquers all, conflicts are fleeting, and happiness is a guarantee.
However, as Holly J. Moore, a prominent family law attorney and founder of Moore Family Law Group observes, these stories focus solely on the beginning of a relationship. They captivate us with tales of romantic courtship and end at the threshold of a happy lifetime together.
But what happens after? The day-to-day reality of maintaining a relationship, the trials and tribulations, and the joys and sorrows are conspicuously absent from these narratives. As a result, they become a breeding ground for unrealistic and often harmful expectations.
"Love, in reality, isn’t always about sweeping gestures or picture-perfect moments. It’s just as much about the grand beginnings as it is about the journey that follows - the compromises, the disagreements, and the shared moments of joy," Moore says.
Yet, it’s not just about managing expectations - it’s also about seeing how they affect the world we live in. Moore highlights that, just like ourselves, the people that surround us, our partners especially, come with certain emotional baggage and attachment styles that shape all relationship dynamics.
"We all carry emotional baggage from past experiences, and we all have different ways of forming emotional bonds,” she argues. “But the fairytales we all love so much will never show you that. Neither will the romantic comedies we indulge in."
Moore adds that these factors significantly influence how we interact with others. For most, it’s a subconscious response - gravitating toward what we think is the ideal, even if that ‘ideal’ doesn’t exist.
According to Moore, understanding one’s emotional programming and acknowledging this emotional baggage can be pivotal in sustaining a healthy relationship. It’s about recognizing that we are all products of past experiences and the ways these have shaped how we love and how we want to be loved.
However, as Moore notes further, the problem arises when people let their attachment to the fairytale narrative cloud their understanding of reality. “We tend to give up too soon, thinking that if it isn’t perfect, it isn’t worth it, it’s time to throw in the towel,” Moore says.
But in doing so, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to truly understand and appreciate the beauty of real love – a love that is, in Moore’s own words, tested, a love that grows, and a love that endures beyond hardships.
After all, regardless of how sturdy we may think our relationship may be, stumbling blocks are an intrinsic part of everyone’s life journey. In the face of such struggles, Moore’s counsel to couples considering divorce is clear: view it as a last resort and make every effort to salvage the marriage first.
"Though I’ve seen it happen countless times, I have to urge people not to think of divorce as the first response to a struggle," Moore maintains "We must have those tough conversations with our partners, show vulnerability, and truly work through the difficulties. Often, what seems like an insurmountable problem can become a stepping stone toward a stronger bond.”
There’s no doubt that the ‘happily ever after’ isn’t as effortless as fairytales would have us believe. Lasting marriages require continuous effort and the ability to approach problems as a team. Relationships do comprise pain as much as they are full of love. They involve resentment and conflict but also forgiveness and resolution.
This, according to Moore, is the real work behind fairytale romance. It’s a journey that stretches far beyond the fantastical realms and their make-believe tales, delving into the depths of human emotion and resilience. It’s a path marked by roadblocks but also by growth, understanding, and a profound connection between people that deepens with time.
Preserving it means setting ourselves free from the expectations popular media has imposed on us. It includes gigantic efforts, tough conversations, a selfless level of understanding of our partner’s perspective on things, and the willingness to grow - both individually and as a couple.
As Moore puts it, “I’d like people to know that they can have their happy ending. But, one needs to keep in mind that real love isn’t constant romance or unending joy. It’s standing together in the face of adversity, forgiving each other’s flaws, and choosing your partner every day - even when things are hard."