What not to do on a first date

Taken from 'The Man's Guide to Women'

The poster has been put up in bars around Lincoln to help anyone feels unsafe on a bad date and who seeks help from staff in a discreet way (iStock/Getty)

The nonverbal mating cues have been sent out, the first conversation went well, and you've asked her out on a date—now what? Dating is another way to demonstrate your "Hero status".

It’s not about how much you spend; it’s about putting her front and centre. You can plan a special date that doesn’t cost a lot of money - a picnic, a hike, a trip to a free museum or cultural event. Be creative. Be playful. Plan an adventure.

We’ll let you in on a little secret. Riding a roller coaster, bungee jumping, or doing something else adventurous with a little bit of fear mixed in can be helpful on your date. The physiological response to fear is quite similar to the physiological response to arousal. The right amygdale - the part of the brain where you most experience fear - is also one part of the brain where you experience sexual arousal.

The two can often get confused. Hormones also play a powerful role. When you engage in an activity that is new, exciting, or dangerous, the same hormonal brew (dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine) gets released as when you fall in love. So do something exciting and adventurous together on your date - arouse your central nervous systems and arouse each other.

Dating is also about continuing the conversation and getting to know each other. Ask her about her interests, her passions, her life dreams, her bucket list. Find out where she’s travelled and what she loves to do. Ask her who her best friends are, and find out what they are like and what she loves about them. Ask about her family or pets (if she has any). Ask her where she went to school, and supply open-ended questions about what learning she did that most caught her attention and imagination.

Now there’s a fine line between interrogation and conversation, so be sure to really listen, rather than have it seem like you are checking off a list of questions like it’s a job interview. Body language is still important. Hygiene is also important. Being a gentleman is most important. Open doors, walk on the busy side of the sidewalk, walk in a stride with her, demonstrate your protective instincts. Ask yourself how a Hero would act and you’re more likely to get another date.

So be protective, be a gentleman, and also—this is most important—be fully you. Be prepared to share your own passions, your own interests, and your own life dreams. But listen first. Talk about your best friends, tell her what they’re like, and talk about where you have travelled and what you loved and hated about travelling.

Unlike men, women are much more geared for collaboration, not competition, so if you are discussing something and you have opposing viewpoints, don’t tell her she is wrong. You can say: "That’s interesting. Tell me more." After listening and responding with interest, it’s okay to say: "Okay, here’s my viewpoint" but don’t present your differences in a way that devalues her.

Don’t talk about ex-girlfriends. Don’t tell stories that turn you into a victim. Talk about who you are and what you think about where you are going in life.

Don’t make the fatal mistake some men make: Don’t ask her if she likes you. You will come off as needy and insecure. Tune in to her, and you will already know the answers to these questions. Insecurity is an attraction killer every time, and nothing will drop you into the friend zone faster.

Cheat Sheet for Heroes

• Ask open-ended questions.

• Be authentic, but try to speak in your lowest register if your natural voice sounds a bit like Mickey Mouse on helium.

• Create safety in conversations by being a good listener.

• Put the woman at the center of any conversation or date.

• Look into her eyes and match her gestures in a natural and easy way.

• Briefly touch her forearm when you ask her to dance, ask for her number, or ask her on a date.

• Be creative when planning your first date. Think of something adventurous, playful, or exciting to do.

• Be a gentleman—open doors, pull out her chair.

• Be protective and confident.

You Might Be A Zero If. . .

• You use cheesy pickup lines.

• You make overt sexual innuendoes.

• You dominate the conversation, interrupt her, or only talk about yourself.

• You don’t ask questions that will help you get to know her and help her tell her story.

• You think spending a lot of money on a date means you will get laid.

• You don’t plan a date that makes her feel special and important.

• You stare at her breasts while she is talking or scan the room checking out other girls when you are with her.

This extract was republished with permission from the authors. The Man's Guide to Women by John Gootman, PhD and Julie Schwartz, PhD is available now