What is verbal abuse in a relationship and how can you deal with it?

‘All of us are capable of verbal abuse,’ says Relate

Abusive relationships can take many forms, from physical to psychological and even financial.

While some are discussed widely, others are rarely talked about and therefore can be conflated with other relationship issues.

Verbal abuse can be one of these given its complex nature and the myriad ways within which it can manifest.

It became a topic of discussion last week after Love Island viewers accused contestant Faye Winter of verbally abusing her partner Teddy Soares.

The two contestants in the ITV2 reality TV show had an explosive argument after Winter was shown a clip of Soares discussing his sexual chemistry with another Islander, Clarisse Juliette.

“I told you the truth. And you told me jacks****,” Winter told Soares in the episode.

“I don’t want to speak to you right now, because I don’t want to scream. You look like a two-faced p****.

Later, Winter added: “I’m done with this conversation. If you want to speak about my reaction based on your actions, you can f*** off.

“My action, my reaction, was only based on your f***ing actions, so f*** off.”

Many viewers said they had reported the episode to Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator.

“This episode was draining,” tweeted one person. “Verbal abuse is not okay whatever gender or roles reversed.”

“This isn’t drama it’s just verbal abuse,” another added.

But what exactly is verbal abuse, and how should you respond if it is happening to you?

The relationships charity Relate lists some forms of verbal abuse on its website. These include: intimidation, criticism, telling you what you can and cannot do, and being made to feel guilty, as well as undermining someone.

In terms of determining whether or not the behaviour you’re experiencing is abusive, it boils doing to how that behaviour makes you feel.

“If your partner’s behaviour makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive,” states Relate.

“If you feel like your partner is stopping you from being able to express yourself, it’s abusive. If you feel you have to change your actions to accommodate your partner’s behaviour, it’s abusive.

Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate says that “all of us are capable of verbal abuse” at some point in a relationship.

“We all sometimes say things to our partners which, on reflection, we realise were cruel, unkind, or just plain clumsy.

“Equally we sometimes blurt things out that have been building up for a while and don’t manage to find the right words to share it in a constructive way.”

Whenever a conflict arises between a couple, it’s only natural that both partners will want to express their frustrations to one another. It can be important, too, but there are ways of doing this that do not involve verbal abuse of any kind and will most likely lead to a better resolution for both parties.

“If you word things in a way that’s non-blaming and non-judgmental, it’s more likely to be well received and potentially result in the changes you would like to happen,” explains Major.

“The key is to learn from mistakes, and in a healthy relationship, that’s a two-way thing.”

Being able to apologise is crucial, she adds, not necessarily for how you feel because that is partly out of your control, but for the way you have expressed those feelings if you did so in a manner that has hurt your partner.

“However, take note if you’re the one who’s always doing the apologising,” she says. “Then it might be time to reflect on what’s going on in the relationship.”

There can be long-term ramifications if verbal abuse becomes a pattern in your relationship, one that can lead to a severe power imbalance between partners.

“So look out for repetition and also the person’s intention – do they seem to be trying to deliberately hurt or humiliate you? Are you repeatedly the one on the receiving end?” says Major.

“If you feel this and you feel able to, be clear with your partner that you want to understand how they feel but that you’re not prepared to be humiliated, talked down to and repeatedly verbally abused.

“If it doesn’t feel safe to do that then talking with someone else about what’s happening can be the first step to getting help.”

An ITV spokesperson commented on the episode: “Welfare and duty of care towards our contributors is always our primary concern, and we take the emotional well-being of all the Islanders extremely seriously.

“We have dedicated welfare producers and psychological support on hand at all times who monitor and regularly speak to all of the Islanders in private and off camera, especially if someone appears to be upset.

“All the Islanders are therefore fully supported by the professionals on-site and by their friends in the villa. Islanders can always reach out and talk to someone if they feel the need.”

For more information on abusive relationships, visit Relate here.