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The process of breaking up and reuniting is a trope in modern relationships.
In popular culture, dramatic ruptures and reunions are given especially weighty meaning, with a tacit implication that that what doesn’t kill a relationship only makes it stronger.
However, the art of breaking up and making up - as notably exhibited by Sex and the City ’s Carrie and Big or Friends ’ Ross and Rachel - can have adverse effects on a person’s mental health, new research suggests.
According to a study carried out at the University of Missouri in Columbia, which involved more than 500 individuals currently in couples, 60 per cent of adults have experienced an on-off relationship.
In comparison to more stable partnerships, on-off relationships were linked to higher rates of abuse, lower levels of commitment and poorer communication.
These types of relationships were associated with greater psychological distress, such as depression and anxiety.
“On-off relationships usually occur when one half of the couple is less committed than the other,” explains dating coach James Preece .
He tells The Independent that the person who is more serious about the relationship tolerates their partner’s volatility because they don’t want to risk losing them.
“The break-ups can be caused by constant arguing or infidelity, but both sides are still drawn to each other,” he continues.
One of the primary issues with this pattern is the lack of reassurance it cultivates, he adds, which can exacerbate underlying insecurities both inside and outside of the relationship.
“It leads someone to question themselves and wonder why they aren't good enough to sustain their partner's interest.
“This can lead to increased amounts of jealousy, which can make people feel anxious. The longer it goes on then the worse they feel, which can result in depression.”
If someone is making you feel like this, Preece advises drawing a line under the relationship once and for all.
“Your health is more important than spending time with someone who makes you so unhappy,” he says.
Psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree explains that an on-off relationships often comes about when both partners are fundamentally incompatible but have a strong sexual passion for one another that keeps them coming back for more, resulting in a destructive push-pull dynamic.
Show all 23 1 /23Couples around the world on Valentines Day Couples around the world on Valentines Day Kazuhiko Kobayashi, 80, and his wife Mieko Kobayashi, 73, pose for a photograph at their music shop named Ameyoko Rhythm, specialised for Enka, traditional Japanese popular ballad, in Tokyo's Ameyoko shopping district, Japan, February 8, 2018. "I met her in 1963, 55 years ago. She was a classmate of my younger sister. One day she came over to my house and I took a shine to her because she was so charming. Since that day on, I called her every day. In the beginning, she did not seem to be interested in me, but I conveyed my passion to her. On our first date, I waited at a meeting place for an hour. It turned out she had been advised by her mother and older sister to be late for an hour to see whether I was serious about her. My feelings got through to her, and we married on October 15, 1964, five days after the opening ceremony of the Tokyo Olympics. "
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Bride Amornrat Ruamsin (L), 27, who is a transgender, holds up her five-month-old daughter with her groom Pitchaya Kachainrum (R), 16, during their wedding ceremony organised by a local TV show, in Bangkok, Thailand, February 9, 2018. The ceremony is not legally-binding as Pitchaya in under 17, the legal age for marriage in Thailand. The couple plan to officially wed after her birthday. "I've had relationships with men before, but it was not that good and I was heartbroken many times. I met Pitchaya on Facebook and I first sent her a message to introduce myself. We fell in love with each other. After living together for more then a year, we agreed to have a baby. So now we have five-month-old daughter and today we got married as our parents wanted. This is the happiest day of my life," Amornrat said. REUTERS/Athit Perawongmetha SEARCH "GLOBAL LOVE" FOR THIS STORY. SEARCH "WIDER IMAGE" FOR ALL STORIES.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Dmitry Shamovich and his wife Anastasia Kuzmenkova play with the dog Amur at their homestead Zaimka Leshego in the village of Sosnovy Bor, Belarus, February 7, 2018. "Four years ago I was here, at the homestead for the first time - we arrived with other birdwatchers to build artificial nests for owls. And I met Dmitry, the owner of homestead, for the first time, here. Later we met again, when I arrived to be a volunteer in a project related to capercaillie. After that we made more projects together and one day I understood I fell in love with him. It was mutual," said Anastasia. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko SEARCH "GLOBAL LOVE" FOR THIS STORY. SEARCH "WIDER IMAGE" FOR ALL STORIES.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Jenny Ostrom, 37, a director of photography and her husband Chad Ostrom, 37, a director, stand in McCarren Park, near their home in the Brooklyn borough of New York, U.S., February 8, 2018. "We met the first day of college in the middle of the heartland, Kansas. My friends and I thought it noble to help the arriving freshman girl students move into the dorms. There was Jenny, unpacking boxes with her family and in classic, comedy double-take action I walked by her room, stopped, and walked right back to it. Through three states, long-distance dating, high times, low moments and 19 years later, we now share a home, a little girl and a life," said Chad. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Rute Magalhaes, 33, and Filipe Alves, 38, are seen through a large format camera while they pose for a portrait at their studio in Lisbon, Portugal, February 8, 2018. "We met 12 years ago on the Internet. Photography brought us together and we fell in love. Then we started a studio to help others fall in love with the magic of photos," Rute said.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Asha Ahuja, 71, a housewife poses for a portrait with her husband Chandrabhan Ahuja, 73, a businessman inside their house in Mumbai, India, February 7, 2018. Asha said: "It was the summer of 1971 when I met him for the first time. It was our engagement day which was just six days before our marriage. We didn't talk to each other until we got married. I was a free girl and used to go to jam sessions and enjoy time with friends. My life became completely different after I married him. He comes from a religiously conservative family. From a family of four, I had to live in a joint family of 20. I heard from my parents that he was also a religious person. I got to know about his devotional side when he went to a temple at 5 AM after spending our first night together. When I woke up I was alone. I sacrificed a lot after our marriage to adjust to a new environment. We are from a generation where we had to make a lot of compromises to make the marriage work, unlike today. "
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Hayes Mehana (R), 78, and Om Hany, 60, pose for a photograph at a vegetable market in Cairo, Egypt, February 12, 2018. The couple have been married for 42 years and have 12 children. Their love started at a vegetable market and now they dedicate their time to their 50-year-old vegetable shop business which they both worked to expand. "Our families don't know about Valentine's Day but we built a big family as it was our dream. With my wife, every day is like a festival, not just one day," Hayes said.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Aviva Ephrati (L), 84, retired kindergarten teacher, and Israel Ephrati, 87, retired supervisor at a higher educational institution, sit in the living room at the protective housing in Kfar Saba, north of Tel Aviv, Israel, February 8, 2018. The couple managed an art gallery in Haifa for some years. They've been married for 64 years. "In 1950 I met Israel by accident, who was a soldier then, when I was trying to push away another young man who wanted to date me which I didn't want during an evening out in Jerusalem. After that young man left the scene, Israel asked me to date him and I refused, I was willing to be a friend of him but I didn't want anything romantic. In the next four years, I almost got married to another guy who disappeared two weeks before the wedding after his father gave him an ultimatum after finding out that my father was not originally Jewish."
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Nhuchhe Bahadur Amatya, 76, a retired accountant at Nepal Electricity Authority along with his wife Raywoti Devi Amatya, 74, a housewife, pose for a picture as they sit inside their shop in Lalitpur, Nepal, February 4, 2018. Nhuchhe was 17 and Raywoti was 15 when they had their arranged marriage 59 years ago. "I saw Raywoti for the first time at my home after we officially got married, during the wedding her face was covered with a Ghumto (veil)," said Nchuchhe.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Daniela, 37, a Berlin-born social educator, and her partner Arda, 39, a German architect with Turkish roots, pose in front of Altes Museum in Berlin, Germany, February 4, 2018. "I saw Arda in 2015 at an exhibition at the museum. And he recognised me as well. A smile from both sides. One hour later we were sitting together and having a cup of coffee. Now we live together in a nice flat," said Daniela.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Alejandra, 44, an education policy consultant and Razhy, 48, a journalist and a human rights activist, walk on a street in the Coyoacan neighbourhood, in Mexico City, Mexico, February 9, 2018. The couple met in Mexico City in 1998, after Razhy was kidnapped and quit his job as a director of a weekly magazine in Oaxaca, a state south of the country. Months later, Alejandra traveled to Europe to study. "I went to study in France, I returned to the country and all went cold, my family did not accept our relationship. Finally, four years later, we were both without partners and decided to meet again. We got married in the neighbourhood of Coyoacan, the neighbourhood where we walked together and we met again after all those years," said Alejandra.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Pramodini Roul, 24, an acid attack survivor and a campaigner at Chhanv, an NGO that supports acid attack victims, and her partner Saroj Sahoo, 26, a manager at Chhanv share a moment at the "Sheroes" home for acid attack victims in Noida, India, February 8, 2018. The couple met at a nursing home in Cuttack, India, where Pramodini was undergoing treatment for acid burns. Saroj was friends with the lady nurse who was treating Pramodini and would visit his friend at the nursing home while she was treating Pramodini, which is how the two met for the first time, on April 8, 2014. "On September 14, 2017, after an eye surgery, I was flying with Saroj and suddenly started seeing things clearly. That was the first time I saw Saroj's face. I had never imagined that I would be able to see Saroj in my lifetime," said Pramodini. The couple is scheduled to hold a ring ceremony on ValentineâÃôs Day in Lucknow.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Zakir Omur, 58, and his wife Nurgul Omur, 53, pose at their home in Bogatepe village in Kars province, Turkey, February 8, 2018. Zakir is a farmer and Nurgul is a housewife. They have been married for 29 years and have two sons. "When I was young my mother wanted me to marry, I thought it was too early but traditions came first, then young people's will. They said there was a girl, Nurgul, that could be my wife. It was impossible to meet a girl anywhere else."
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Mezbah Ul Aziz (L), 34, and Mausumi Iqbal, 33, pose for a photo in a coffee shop where they hang out on a regular basis in Dhaka, Bangladesh, February 7, 2018. "Our story was not love-at-first-sight type. In fact, we used to remain at opposite ends of the class mostly when we met first, but you know about magic, it always happens with surprises. Both of us are dentists and married for eight years now. Before that, we met at our dental school on June 1, 2004, on the first day of the class. We both were invited to give a short speech before our classmates and teachers. I went first, and later him. We never admitted, but maybe we felt some spark on the first day, but it was definitely not love. Later, we chose different paths, chose different reading partners for daily life. But fate brought us together after a year and a half."
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Haidar Ali Moracho, 20, and Coral Ibanez Blanco, 23, pose for a picture at the Moor's Field garden (Campo del Moro) in Madrid, Spain, February 7, 2018. Haidar, a transgender young man who's in his second year of Asian and African Studies at Madrid's Autonoma University and Coral, currently looking for a job, have been dating for seven years. "A friend of mine told me there was a girl who liked Dragon Ball's Vegeta character and wanted to become a boy. She put us in touch virtually and we spent the following year video calling each other before we were able to meet in person in Madrid," said Coral.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Tattoo artists, Kathriel Zambrano (L), 23, and Yohanna Gonzalez, 28, pose for a portrait in front of the bar El Molino where they first met, in Caracas, Venezuela, February 9, 2018. Yohanna was working at a bar for an event called InkFest. She was piercing. Meanwhile, Kathriel was being tattooed in front of a stand where she was working. "I didn't give him much attention, because, at the time, I was with another person," said Yohanna. He didn't stop looking at her and tried some pick up lines. "When I saw him, he impressed me because he has very big eyes and the colour was very impressive but nothing else. I left early." One day he texted and asked her what she was doing and if he could go and visit. "He bought me a bottle of anise liquor, but I told him, 'honey, I don't drink, you can buy me a chocolate if you want.'
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Huang Fusheng (R), 83, and his wife Tang Lanfang, 80, pose with their wedding photo taken in 1958, at Prince Fu Mansion built during Qing dynasty, where they worked together from 1965 to 1992, in central Beijing, China, February 7, 2018. Introduced to one another by their supervisor in 1956, the couple worked together at the mansion, which housed an office under the China National Publications Import and Export Corporation, for 27 years. "I think our marriage is still fresh because we believed in forgiving and understanding each other," said Lanfang.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Cathal King, 31, a veterinarian, and Jessica O'Connor, 28, a final-year veterinary student in Budapest, pose for a photograph with dogs on Rossbeigh Beach near the County Kerry village of Rossbeigh, Ireland, February 4, 2018. "We met playing tag rugby in Killarney. We're both very active people. We do adventure races, hiking, and love to travel. We've been together three and a half years. I grew up back here in Rossbeigh so that's the main reason we're here," said Cathal. Dogs are Indi, the Spaniel, which they own together and Pippa, the Jack Russell, Jessica's mother's dog.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Huang Chenfeng (R), 63, and her husband Zheng Dingguo, 63, pose for a picture at Fudan University Shanghai Cancer Center in Shanghai, China, February 6, 2018. Both originally come from Wenzhou in Zhejiang province. Huang has been taking care of her husband around the clock since he was admitted to the hospital for cancer treatment. The couple had an arranged marriage, organised by their parents in 1972.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Noor Djait, 31, an architect and Ismail Benmiled, 36, a businessman pose for a photograph with their three-year-old son Said and four-month-old daughter Malek at their house in Tunis, Tunisia, February 9, 2018. Noor and Ismail lived on the same road and went to the same schools growing up, but never became close until they met in a nightclub when she was 17. "That night was the first time we really made eye contact with each other, the first time I talked to him. I remember I took off my shoes to dance on the table. At the end I only found one, Ismail found the other. He brought it to me two days later, like Cinderella."
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Oladipupo Baruwa, 45, an investment promotion officer and Funke Baruwa, 43, a gender and development expert, pose for a photograph at home in Abuja, Nigeria, February 9, 2018. "Well, he is persistent. We met at a church on the first Sunday service of the year 2000 and he followed me home after every service from that day on until about two years later. I just loved his persistence and the fact that he didn't want to give up," said Funke. After the birth of their first daughter in 2013 the pair made a commitment that, whatever lay ahead, they would face it together. "For me that has always been the unifying¿ä factor... Marriage is a commitment, it is a hard work and when you are willing to work at it, you get better,"¿äBaruwa said.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Tony Wakaiga, 18, an art and design student and Suzzy Konje, 18, a hospitality management student pose for a photograph after their date as they walk along Banda Street in Nairobi, Kenya, February 11, 2018. Tony met Suzzy at a modelling photo session on Banda Street and they soon started dating. "We have been very good friends for a long time and our passion for each other has matured like wine. This Valentine's Day, I have a special surprise for Suzzy that will knock her heart out," said Tony.
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Couples around the world on Valentines Day Yolanda Zuniga, 66, and her husband Antonio Carrillo, 65, pose for a photograph in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, February 11, 2018. "He has been my sweetheart since I was 14 years old. We lived in the same neighbourhood. I always loved his sense of humour and we got married when I was 19. My parents wouldn't let me go out dancing. Dancing has become our hobby. We go dancing on Saturdays and Sundays in downtown Ciudad Juarez, dressed as Pachucos. We have five children, 13 grandchildren and six great grandchildren," said Yolanda.
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“This is typical of emotionally and physically abusive relationships,” she tells The Independent .
“It comes across as if they can’t live without each other, yet when they are together they are toxic for one another. “
When considering the possibility of rekindling a relationship that has ended, it’s crucial to remind oneself of the reasons why you broke up in the first place, suggests lead author Kale Monk, assistant professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri.
Before reuniting, Monk advises having clear conversations with your ex-partner about what went wrong initially and seriously considering the likelihood of these issue dissipating in a reincarnated version of your relationship.
The study, titled “Coming out and getting back in: relationship cycling and distress in same-and-different-sex relationships," was published in the journal Family Relations
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