Polyamory: Five everyday yet fascinating pitfalls you wouldn't have thought of

Monogamy isn't for everyone - but polyamory has its own problems

Polyamorous relationships require open, honest communication between members (1001nights/iStock)

For some people, sticking with one partner ‘til death do they part works perfectly well. But for the polyamorous, the mere thought gives them cabin fever.

The term describes relationships which involve more than two people. With clear boundaries and open, honest communication, such set-ups can flourish. In fact, research suggests that polyamory can be healthier than monogamy because those involved are more likely to tackle niggling issues in order to keep the relationship alive.

Last year, dating service OKCupid added a setting allowing couples to search the website for people to join their pairings – suggesting there is a hunger for polyamory.

And the honest bunch that they are, polyamorous people have shared the pitfalls of these relationships online. Here are some problems they face that monogamous people may not have considered.

It eats up time

Between going to work, feeding yourself and sleeping, there isn’t an awful lot of time left in the day. Imagine having to divide that time between two people. That is double the amount of people who want to see you in a monogamous relationship. That is a lot of people.

“If poly had a motto, the motto would be, ‘love is infinite. Time and energy are not. The other motto would be, “Communicate, communicate, communicate. (And use Google Calendar)” wrote one polyamorous Reddit user who said they currently do not have time to pursue a relationship.

They explained bluntly: “I am really freaking busy and don't have time right now.”

Less money more problems

Put simply: double the birthday presents. Double the Christmas presents. More rounds at the pub. An extra pizza for movie nights. And asking for a pay-rise because you are polyamorous might raise a few eyebrows.

“Sh*t’s cash. As in, it takes all of your cash.” wrote another Reddit user on the website.

You meant what?!

Polyamory can mean different things to different people: both having simultaneous relationships and having multiple sexual relationships, says Dr Deborah Anapol of Love Without Limits on the Psychology Today website.

Describing the case of a couple who were unclear about exactly what they meant by polyamory, she said: “resentment toward the other for having a different agenda was quick to undermine their budding romance.”

Asked why some couples can make open relationships work, and others, can't Ammanda Major, a relationships advisor at the charity Relate, told The Independent: "The answer is that boundaries have been clearly defined, the couple know exactly where the other is coming from and there’s no sense of being deserted simply for not being 'enough' for each other."

Understanding is hard to find

Polygamy isn’t recognised as a sexual minority like being gay or a lesbian, so dealing with the law can be tricky. Polyamorous people are left to the mercy of how others view relationships that are outside of the norm, from judges in family litigation to landlords who can hit tenants with morality clauses to see them turfed out.

More bodies can mean more STIs

Dr Elisabeth A Sheff, who writes on polygamy for Psychology Today, explains that conversations are key not only to preserve the emotions of those involved in such a relationship but also to stay healthy and safe. "Simple numerics mean that having multiple partners increases the risk of encountering STIs," she says.

As such, banning the exchange of fluids between bodies - for instance by wearing a condom - is a key while members of the relationship discuss what they are comfortable with and share their medical histories.

"This can be such an extensive process that actually deciding to have unprotected sex is a sign of serious commitment, enough so that it is associated with commitment ceremonies."