Denial, entitlement, or a desperation for physical intimacy? Why people are breaking lockdown for sex

Olivia Petter examines why people are putting themselves and others at risk by flouting the lockdown rules for sex

(Rex Features)

Mike*, 26, from London, had not seen his partner for 10 weeks when he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. “I felt like we’d served our time,” he says. There were a few precautions to consider, of course. “I live with my parents, so that was a slight concern. But my partner had managed to get tested for Covid-19 because she’s a key worker, and the result was negative. That, alongside the fact that general attitudes towards lockdown seem to have relaxed, was enough to assuage my anxieties.”

So on Monday 25 May, Mike cycled to his girlfriend’s house and, in fear of being caught, posed as a cleaner, even bringing along a fake invoice. “I figured that way, I’d officially be allowed to enter her flat. Although once I got inside, I didn’t exactly maintain a social distance.”

Since 1 June, new coronavirus laws in England have made it officially illegal for people in different homes to have sex. People may only see other households outside and at a two-metre distance. But Mike is not the only person to have broken this rule. In fact, a survey of 2,000 Britons conducted by intimacy brand Lelo in April – when the UK was in full lockdown – found that as many as one in five people had broken the guidelines to see a partner. And a more recent study of 800 UK adults, conducted by the Terrence Higgins Trust, found that just a slightly smaller number (16 per cent) of people had done the same.

Such research supports an emerging theory that as restrictions across the nation are slowly lifting – and evidence of high-profile figures like Dominic Cummings and Neil Ferguson seemingly breaking rules that they helped create has emerged – some people have adopted a laissez-faire approach to lockdown. But rules are rules for a reason.

Despite lockdown restrictions being eased across the UK, the World Health Organisation maintains that people should avoid contact with those outside of their household to protect themselves and others from Covid-19. As for having sex, it will come as no surprise that any form of physical intimacy – kissing, intercourse, oral sex – can transmit the virus. Hence why a recent Harvard report stated that the safest kind of sex you can have during this pandemic is no sex at all.

It’s also the reason why at the start of lockdown, Dr Jenny Harries said that fledgling couples should “test” the strength of their relationship by moving in together so they would qualify as a single household. But at that time, no one knew how long lockdown would last. Nascent couples didn’t realise it would be months until they could touch one another again, and single people probably didn’t fancy the idea of moving in with their last Hinge date. Had they known that they were about to endure an indefinite period of enforced celibacy, however, they might have reconsidered.

I think we’ve got to a stage during the pandemic where we all have to take individual responsibility

Mike, 26

Tessa*, 25, from London, has slept with two people outside of her household since lockdown started. “I met one of them on Bumble and snuck him into my flat at 11.30pm,” she says. “He arrived in his gym kit so he could run back home at 6am the next day.” She did not tell the people she lives with. The second man was also someone she met on Bumble. “This time I asked my flatmates. They said I couldn’t bring him to ours but that I could go over to his. We also discussed what might be the safest way for me to get there and decided that I could get the tube outside of peak times.”

Neither Tessa nor Mike regret breaking the rules. “I feel guilty for lying to my housemates with the first guy, but I felt better about the second time because everyone involved (my housemates and his) said they were fine with it,” says Tessa. For Mike, it was a case of weighing out the risks against the benefits. “I think we’ve got to a stage during the pandemic where we all have to take individual responsibility,” he says. “Without a vaccine, there is never going to be an absolutely zero per cent risk attached to our behaviour. I wouldn’t have done it if I felt I was putting others in jeopardy or increasing the burden on public services. In this scenario, I felt it was justifiable to meet up given that we assessed the situation.”

The fact that people are breaking lockdown for sex might come as a shock to lawmakers, but it is not at all surprising to psychologists, who say that the restrictions imposed on people during the pandemic counteract basic human needs, and the desire for physical touch is just one of them. “Sex is about much more than lust,” says Marc Hekster, consultant psychologist at The Summit Clinic in north London.

“It’s about forming a connection with another person. And in the context of lockdown, when people feel isolated, that degree of intimacy can lull the individual into a comforting feeling that nothing has changed. It will also enable people to experience a break from this time of great worry and fear of illness.”

There is undoubtedly some denial surrounding the apparent threat of the virus

Marc Hekster, consultant psychologist

The circumstances have been particularly difficult for partners who do not live together – the idea of seeing your partner and not being able to kiss, hug, or even touch them, has proven too much to bear for some. Mary*, 19, from Leeds, explains how she wound up breaking lockdown after eight weeks to stay over at her boyfriend’s home. “I just really missed seeing him,” she says. “I’ve been staying at his ever since, so I’ve effectively changed households, which is still a breach of lockdown. But both of us were self-isolating up until that point and seeing no one else, so we felt it would be safe for us to see each other.”

When you know you’ve done something wrong, it’s only natural to find ways to vindicate yourself. And for those who have broken lockdown for sex, a common way of doing this is to convince yourself that your actions have had no impact on others. This was the case for Harry, 26, from Cheshire, who recently slept with someone that lives a few doors down from him. She was a friend of his sister’s, and had come over a few days prior to spend time in their garden. They clicked. “I suppose I felt because she lives so close that the impact of us sleeping together on society would be very small,” he says. “The local element was key to my decision-making.”

There is, of course, no justification for breaking lockdown. On Friday, the UK death toll for Covid-19 reached 39,904, and while the number of daily deaths has been falling in recent weeks, there is still no guarantee that there won’t be a second wave, something that is obviously more likely if people continue to flout the rules. So how is it that people like Harry, Mary, Mike and Tessa are able to rationalise their behaviour?

“There is undoubtedly some denial surrounding the apparent threat of the virus,” says Hekster. Data shows that this attitude is particularly prevalent among young people, who may feel they are at a lower risk and can therefore behave more autonomously in lockdown. Where sex is concerned, Hekster says that when the rewards of sexual behaviour are so high – as they might be if you have abstained from sex for a long period of time – it can create the illusion that everything, including breaking the law, is acceptable and therefore diminish any feelings of guilt. “It is a powerful version of escape into sexual bliss,” he explains.

There are other more obvious reasons as to why someone might break the rules for sex, too, such as entitlement. People in privileged positions are more likely to feel like the rules somehow don’t apply to them, and when certain privileges they have become accustomed to, such as sex, are taken away from them, they simply can’t accept it.

For a few people, there might even be something thrilling in breaking lockdown, particularly if it’s to satiate carnal desires. Consultant psychologist Daria Kuss says that this depends on a person’s behavioural traits. “Some individuals may find it more difficult to persevere with abiding by the rules because they possess traits of impulsivity, interpersonal dependence and sensation seeking,” she explains.

It’s not clear how long it will be until the government allows people to meet up indoors, and thus allowing them to have sex with those outside of their household. What we do know is that, for one reason or another, pockets of society will continue to feel entitled to break the rules designed to keep us safe. And the number of people breaking those rules for sex is only likely to increase the longer they are told to abstain entirely.

This problem has been addressed in other countries. Like in the Netherlands, where single people without a sexual partner were told to find a “seksbuddy” (sex buddy) for lockdown. “It makes sense that as a single [person] you also want to have physical contact,” said the Dutch National Institute for Public Health and the Environment, who issued guidance on the rule. It’s not hard to understand why, when drafting the lockdown rules, UK ministers failed to consider the nation’s libido. But given that we are now well into our third month of lockdown, perhaps they should have.

*Names have been changed