How Christmas films will mess up your festive relationship expectations

Christmas film aficionado Rachel Hosie laments the fact that real life festive romances so rarely occur like rom-coms would have us believe

Andrew Lincoln's character mark professes his love for Juliet in 'Love, Actually' and isn't a bit creepy at all

It’s cuffing season.

Mistletoe abounds, mulled wine flows and everyone’s that little bit more merry.

And if Christmas films are anything to go by, it’s the time of year when all your romantic dreams will come true.

Yes, ‘tis the season to declare your enduring love for your office crush and propose to the girl you’ve kissed just once. Because that’s always going to end well, isn’t it?

As wonderful as they are, festive films can give a person pretty high expectations and probably false hopes about how their love life will play out over Christmas.

The most obvious culprit is, of course, perennial favourite Love, Actually. Whilst love actually may be all around, for most of us it doesn’t play out quite as well as the characters in Richard Curtis’ heartwarming festive film.

The tale of interwoven characters and their interconnected relationships is a masterpiece, no doubt. An uplifting and seasonal joy to behold. But there are some aspects to the film we possibly shouldn’t mimic.

Do you work for Theresa May and have a bit of a thing for her? Probably don’t write that in her Christmas card. Philip will not be best pleased and you’re not going to end up kissing the PM backstage at a school nativity play. Sorry.

Are you in love with your best friend’s wife? Absolutely do not tell her. That is an awful thing to do. Don’t do it, even if “at Christmas you tell the truth.” If her husband finds out, your friendship is over, amigo.

Also, Andrew Lincoln’s character Mark is clearly a creep and in real life Juliet (Keira Knightley) would’ve been totally freaked out by his video montage of close-ups of her. That’s kinda stalker-ish.

If you find yourself the Juliet in all this, do not run after your husband’s BFF after he’s declared his love for you and kiss him. “Enough,” says Mark. But realistically that would definitely give him false hope and dreams of starting an affair. It can't have ended well.

Then we have The Holiday, which has been giving American women false expectations of British men since 2006. Alas, they’re not all Jude Laws.

But it’s Christmas! And even though Cameron Diaz said she wouldn’t fall in love with Jude, she cried for the first time in years so evidently she did!

No. That would not happen. Even with all the Christmas spirit (and the most attractive people) in the world, they would not fall in love in under a fortnight. And Jack Black would not fly all the way to the UK to spend New Year with a woman he’d just met. Soz, Kate.

Speaking of unrealistic Christmas couples, we need to talk about Elf. As cheery and spirited as Will Ferrell’s character is, I’m not convinced Zooey Deschanel would fall for him.

He snuck into the bathroom when she was in the shower, for goodness’ sake. And although he may not have realised that’s socially unacceptable, she would likely have been so creeped out she’d avoid him at all costs.

Do not do that, people - save that beautiful duet of Baby, It’s Cold Outside for another time. Preferably when both parties are fully-clothed.

But the message is, of course, that even the odd guys can get the girl, and perhaps the most extreme example of this is The Grinch. Sure, the moral is that maybe, Christmas doesn’t come from a store, but there’s also a highly unrealistic romantic sub-plot.

Of course, the film concludes with the Grinch’s life-long crush Martha May choosing him over the mayor. Because that’s what happens at Christmas, isn’t it? The underdog always triumphs.

Yup, it’s a time of year when anyone with a marginally romantic bone in their body hopes that the magic of the season may make their enduring romantic daydreams a reality.

But even if it doesn’t all work out like a Richard Curtis film, if the realisation that love actually is all around prompts us all to be a smidge more bold at Christmas, that’s probably not a bad thing. The chances are your beloved will also be feeling imbued with festive spirit too, and there are plenty of couples who do get together under the mistletoe.

However I’d probably caution against flying to another country to propose to a woman with whom you haven’t even had one proper conversation. I’m looking at you, Colin Firth.