In bed With: Death came in, and I said: 'Go away': Nabil Shaban

Nabil Shaban, 41, is an actor and writer. He lives in Hampshire.

I DON'T spend much time in bed because I see it as a prison. Until I was nine, I lived behind the bars of a cot in a children's long-stay hospital.

That cot was my entire life: my toilet, my restaurant, the focal point of my imaginary landscape. There were several beds in rows and we would have games where your bed became a horse or boat . . . sometimes mine was a throne, I'd sit on my pillows and pretend to be a king.

I also associate bed with pain. I was born with brittle-bone disease and was incredibly fragile. I'd break an arm or leg just by reaching out between the bars or moving awkwardly - and that's just as painful for me as for anybody else. When I was older and had the comparative freedom of a wheelchair, as soon as I broke a bone I'd be confined to bed again.

I frequently dream that I am trapped in an enclosed space, being attacked by aliens and having no weapon other than a spear or sword. These dreams are metaphors for subconscious feelings I have of being powerless and physically confined. They need to be expressed and I don't give them too much space in my conscious mind or I'd be paranoid.

I never call any dreams 'nightmares' because I always find them inspiring. I have been keeping dream diaries for many years now and draw on them a lot in my work. Once I dreamt I could walk and was picking my way carefully through a field of sleeping soldiers. Though I never have been able to walk, it felt amazing. Looking down, so high up off the ground, so deft in my movements. I do quite often dream that I'm able-bodied and through those dreams I know the joy and freedom of being able to stand and walk.

When I was younger I fell in love easily, but was too nervous even to consider having sex. I contemplated a monastic life and thought the future perhaps lay in being a priest - a handy way to avoid women. Then I thought, 'Fuck God, he's made me a cripple to make me a priest', and gave up on it.

I was in great danger. It would take me a long time to relax enough to sleep.

I generally stay up as late as I can. I don't socialise much. I write in the daytime and watch videos or read at night. I make sure that every minute is filled, either with gaining knowledge or trying to create new things. I have a sense that time is running out and there's a hell of a lot still to do.

One night I was in bed and Death came in through the door. I could feel this presence and I said: 'You've come to the wrong place, go away.' Two hours later I was woken by my neighbour ringing my bell. Her husband had just had a stroke. He died on the way to the hospital.

But I am not afraid of Death. Sleep is the closest we get to it and I relish that nightly encounter. I'm actually looking forward to dying. I suspect that the time is not far off when this earthly existence will cease to hold any charm or hope or interest for me.

I had my first sexual experience when I was at university. It was a total failure. I didn't have the muscular strength to thrust and was so haunted by the shame and embarrassment that many years passed before I made another attempt. I finally found out that I actually could do it and embarked on a 10-year relationship, which has just ended. I'm glad to be a bachelor again - I'm too selfish and independent to share my life with anyone.

Many able-bodied people find the thought of the disabled having sex disgusting. In films and on television they only ever see sex between gods and goddesses with perfect bodies. I think they are also disgusted by the idea that we might be breeding. There is a kind of genetic cleansing going on. Following amendments to the Abortion Act in 1991, a handicapped foetus can be aborted up to full term. The message to the disabled is clear: the UK wants only able-bodied citizens for the future.

(Photograph omitted)