how to have a damn good row

No yelling, no digging up the past, no random ranting, no put downs. Suzanne Glass on taking the heat out of conflict

hat the hell's the point of going to the theatre if we're stuck behind a pillar all night?" you moan.

"The seats were a bargain. Only a fiver," he says.

"You stingy git," you snap.

"You have no concept of the value of money," he says. "Versace this and Gucci that."

"Mean bastard, I will spend my money as I see fit."

"Don't come to me when you run out."

The argument ends in tears. You turn to each other, and aroused by the drama of the situation, rip each other's clothes off and make passionate love.

"Wrong," says Janice Hiller, lecturer in Couple Therapy Skills at University College, London. "That is the stuff of glossy magazines and slushy novels. In reality most couples need at least a few hours to cool off after a row, before they have even the vaguest interest in lovemaking." There is, however, a slight difference between the sexes on this one. Men are inclined to make up in kind rather more quickly than women. "Hostile angry feelings towards a partner cause more women than men to lose desire," says Hiller.

So it goes on. Rows about nothing. Rows that are deeply destructive, according to psychologists, because they focus not on a particular bone of contention, but rather on hurting the other person as much as possible. But can we create pain-free fights? Or is that a contradiction in terms? Apparently not. Observing certain taboos will keep the heartache out of heated situations, according to psychotherapist Karen Levy. No personal comment. No yelling. No digging up the past. No put downs. "Stick to the point of the argument," says Levy, "and argue about the issue in hand." So if the fight is about the fact that she leaves the bedroom looking like a tip, then "you're a slob. You're a pig and a nightmare to live with" is not the recommended script. Instead the advocated response is to say: "It makes me really angry when you do that." It's the same advice given by child psychologists. You don't say to a child: "I don't like you." You say: "I don't like it when you're naughty."

Avoidance of blame is the key, according to pyschologists. In a "positive conflict" each partner is supposed to accept responsibility for their own reactions.

The problem is that we are conditioned to row as our parents rowed before us. It's what Freud called the Repetition Compulsion. If your mother yelled at your father, rather than reasoning with him, you too are likely to lose your rag. We repeat patterns during disagreements, seeking out the familiar even if it is destructive. Psychologists say with enough goodwill we can rewrite the script.

Try this scenario for size. You come home from work shattered. You flop on the sofa, ready to have a good old moan about your day. He (or she) disappears behind the newspaper. "That's nice," you say. "I wanted to talk to you." "I just need a few minutes to switch off. Then I'm all yours" he says. "Charming," you say. "You've got no desire to communicate with me." The argument repeats itself day in, day out, until the decibels threaten the very essence of your relationship. Psychologists might rewrite this one with the help of the Object Relations theory. The theory talks about our "inner world" and recreating it externally. In your inner world you may have learned that if someone refuses you instant gratification on the communication front, it means they have no desire to talk to you at all. But using the Object Relations theory, a psychologist might bring your argument into "the external world" as a question. Has your partner said he doesn't want to talk to you - or has he actually said he'd be happy to talk as soon as he's wound down? Next time the newspaper rears its ugly head, you might say: "When you've finished reading, I'd love to tell you about my day."

It's all about freeing yourself from the past and learning to really listen to the other person. "If there is goodwill and tolerance on both sides," says Janice Hiller, "conflict can actually be productive and allow a couple to progress in their relationship."

So next time you see red, you might choose to be analytical and adopt the Object Relations theory. Or, you might resort to the advice of Daniel Goleman, author of "Emotional Intelligence". He suggests you monitor your heartbeat every five minutes during a row, feeling the pulse at the carotid artery below the earlobe. If the pulse rate climbs too high, a couple need a 20-minute break before resuming their argument.