Tom Daley on becoming a dad, prejudice and the problem with UK surrogacy law

'Gay parents aren’t alone in having huge challenges and hurdles when it comes to having a child and I’m hoping that our journey can actually help other people who are having other issues'

Tom Daley is sitting on a sofa in a central London hotel suite with his husband, Dustin Lance Black, while their seven-week-old baby, Robbie Ray, snoozes peacefully beside them - and it’s clear the new fathers (both dressed in baby blue) are entirely besotted with their son.

“We don’t ever turn on a TV anymore, we just stare at the little one,” Daley, 24, tells The Independent. “It’s been so crazy. It feels kind of surreal still, the fact that we have a…”

He stops mid-sentence to coo at baby Robbie, which I soon realise is to become a regular occurrence during our interview.

“But he’s brought so much love and joy to the family,” Daley continues.

Born to a surrogate in June, Robbie is apparently a very well-behaved newborn. “He’s a great baby,” says Black, 44. “I think we got a starter baby, I think we got the best baby on the planet.”

“But we might be biased,” adds Daley.

The Olympic diver and his Oscar-winning screenwriter husband met in 2013, married in 2017 and revealed they were going to be fathers in 2018 - an announcement which wasn’t met entirely positively by the public.

“I think that’s why we want to help educate people because I think a lot of them were under the impression that the baby was going to be ripped from his mother’s arms,” says Daley. “People will have their opinions and that’s fine. All we want is what’s best for the little one.”

The couple had their son through surrogacy but admit they didn’t know a great deal about the options open to them as a same-sex couple beforehand. “It was an education, we had to learn,” says Black.

“The laws here in the UK don’t necessarily protect the surrogate or the intended parents and it’s not that regulated in the same way that it is in the States, so I want to go on that journey to learn all about that,” adds Daley, who will front a BBC documentary about surrogacy around the world next year.

Black hopes that speaking out about their surrogacy experience will help all people hoping to be parents - regardless of sexuality.

“Gay parents aren’t alone in having huge challenges and hurdles when it comes to having a child and I’m hoping that our journey can actually help other people who are having other issues, because of fertility or health issues or whatnot, to understand that just because you’ve had health issues or fertility issues as a heterosexual couple doesn’t mean you can’t fulfil that basic desire that so many have to be a parent,” he says.

“There is a lot of work and there are a lot of hoops to go through and I think it’s actually good that there are a lot of regulations and people ask a lot of questions, because at the end of the day, it’s all worth it.”

They don’t know which of them is the baby’s biological father and they don’t want to know either.

The couple went through the whole process in the US, and Robbie was born on June 27 in LA. In the UK, however, the surrogate mother is legally a baby’s guardian until parental rights are transferred in a family court, which is often a lengthy process that takes years.

Daley and Black are keeping their surrogate’s identity private but they’re in frequent contact. “We adore her,” says Daley. “She’s been the most amazing person - she’s part of the family.”

“If you do surrogacy in a place where there’s good law to protect everyone you can focus on love. Period,” adds Black. “That’s why I hope this country catches up.”

Robert Ray Black-Daley was named after Daley’s father, Rob, who passed away after a five-year cancer battle in 2011. And in Black’s Texan family, “everybody’s middle name was Ray because everybody might be a country music star,” he jokes.

Right on cue, Robbie stirs.

Daley has spoken before about how he’d wanted to be a father since he was a teen, but now he actually is a dad, the reality hasn’t disappointed: “I think it’s way more wonderful than I ever thought it was going to be. It’s so incredible how quickly you fall in love with this little human being who is just screaming in your arms but it just brings so much love, joy and happiness into your family that’s so hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t had a kid.”

“It really ups your empathy,” adds Black. “The entire orbit of your universe changes, and [your baby] is at the centre, it’s great.”

Both dads believe becoming fathers will benefit their careers.

“Obviously it changes your perspective massively,” says Daley. “He’s the most important thing in the world now. Beforehand, my be all and end all was diving, and when I got home all I thought about was diving.

“But now when I go to training, I don’t really want to be away from Robbie so if I’m going to be at training for three hours, I’m going to make those three hours count, train harder. Then when I come home, I see [Robbie], forget about diving and rest harder.”

Daley feels he has greater perspective when competing too, knowing that the unconditional love from Robbie will always be there, regardless of how he performs in competitions. “It takes the significance of the competitions away so you’re able to perform better because you don’t put that pressure on yourself. You have a sleepy lovebug at home,” he says.

Similarly, Black thinks that having a child will only benefit his career as a storyteller: “I think it opens your eyes to what family really is, what love really is, what commitment really is. Every writer and filmmaker I’ve spoken to about it has said, ‘Oh, here you go, here’s your new beginning’. He’s endless inspiration and absolutely zero notes, it’s the best.”

While getting to grips with his new role as a father, Daley is also promoting his new book, Tom’s Daily Goals, which is out tomorrow.

“The whole premise is that it’s seven habits that you can change and incorporate into your daily life,” he explains. “It covers movement and exercises, food, mindfulness, sleep, immunity, stress, anxiety... The whole idea is that you should never feel tired or hungry again.”

Every Monday, Daley hosts a dinner club where he tests out recipes on his friends.

“It’s tough being his husband,” Black jokes.

Like many same-sex couples, Daley and Black have faced prejudice in the past, but they hope that when people can see “the love that we have and that we are a family” they will be treated the same as heterosexual parents.

“There are so many stereotypes and so many misconceptions,” says Black, “And I would just love to see most of those go away.

“The concerns we have for our son are no different to the concerns other parents have - we want him to be dry, we want him to be comfortable, we want him to be well-fed,” he continues.

He and Daley are ambassadors for Pampers’ new Pure Protection nappy range collection - nappies and wipes made from plant based materials and organic cotton - and the fact that the brand saw them as a family like any other was “so touching” for the fathers.

A couple of months ago, Daley admits he didn’t know much about nappies - he tells me excitedly how impressed he was to learn that a strip on the outside changes colour to signal the baby needs changing.

Although he and Black did as much preparation as they could before Robbie was born, they both believe new parents should mainly trust their instincts.

“You’re going to do all this reading as we did and ask all the questions as we did, but at the end of the day there’s a baby in your arms,” says Black. “I think you just do the very best you can and have faith that [your baby is] going to let you know if you’re doing it wrong.

“In subtle and not so subtle ways, he lets you know when he’s really happy and he lets you know when you’ve done it wrong. Yes, occasionally I want to eat his cheeks,” he jokes.

With loving families around them, the couple were inundated with tips from well-wishers but when Robbie was born, they realised they would “just figure it out.”

“Don’t listen to the advice from other parents,” says Daley. “Every parent will know their baby better than anyone else and after a few hours it felt like I’d been a parent my whole life and I could never imagine my life without him.

“You go on the steepest learning curve ever. You know what’s best for your baby at the end of the day. I can’t remember what life was like before having Robbie. ”

New father, Tom Daley is the Pampers Pure Partner and UK Brand Ambassador for the launch of the new Pure Protection range.