How to celebrate Thanksgiving when you’re not close to your family

Holidays are known to be a joyous time with the people you love, but it’s easy to feel lonely if you’re not close to your family. Amber Raiken asks a therapist how to cope with loneliness on Thanksgiving and ways to celebrate the day alone

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Thanksgiving is only a day away and most Americans have solidified their family plans for the holiday. Whether you’re hosting the big meal or heading to a relative’s house, the holidays are often a chance to reconnect with loved ones. However, Thanksgiving Day isn’t always a family-oriented occasion.

Over the years, several studies have found that the seemingly joyous holiday season isn’t always easy for everyone. In a survey conducted by the AARP Foundation in 2017, 31 per cent of respondents said they felt lonely during the holidays throughout the last five years. Meanwhile, 41 per cent of participants were concerned about a family member or friend feeling lonely around the holidays. In 2020, a survey conducted by ValuePenguin also found that 70 per cent of respondents struggled with different types of loneliness before Thanksgiving and Christmas, partly due to the effects of the Covid-19 pandemic.

While socially-distanced holiday parties have mostly become a thing of the past since then, there’s still many reasons why some people spend the season by themselves. Some Americans have family members living on the opposite side of the country, or world, while others may not have a close relationship with their relatives at all.

There’s no one concrete way to spend the holidays, and everyone has their own reasons why they choose not to see certain people on Thanksgiving. Speaking to The Independent, Emma Mahony, a therapist at Better Life Therapy based in Pennsylvania, acknowledged that, when we spend the holidays alone, our feelings of loneliness can be heightened. While everyone experiences loneliness in a different way, Mahony believes that the feeling could be tied to how Thanksgiving has been portrayed over the years.

“I think a lot of the anxieties and concerns that come up have to do with unmet expectations of what you think a holiday is supposed to look like, and what you think your relationship with your family or your friends is supposed to look like,” she said. “I think that’s where a lot of people themselves feel a little bit of a stressful state. Just maybe feeling a little let down by the expectations they have for themselves, after watching other people experience the holidays differently than them.”

The holidays are often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, but that doesn’t ring true for everyone. In some cases, the winter months can be quite a triggering time, and potentially a reminder to people of how they’ve been hurt by those closest to them. According to Mahony, the best way to manage those feelings of animosity is by creating your own perspective about the holidays and new ways to celebrate.

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“I think you should allow yourself to reframe it as: ‘Okay, how do I want the holidays to look for me? Who are the people that I do want in my life? Who are the people that I don’t want in my life?’” she advised. “Don’t try to make something that shouldn’t happen happen. Instead, recreate your own memories and your own traditions, and give yourself space and permission to do so. But also, if you know that it’s going to be a hard time for you, create that support system, from reaching out to a therapist or to a close friend.”

For those who do have a close support system, it can make skipping out on Thanksgiving dinner a little easier. On the other hand, your cousins may miss sitting next to you at the dinner table. Still, Mahony believes we shouldn’t try to convince our family members to attend an event in which they’ve already opted out.

“If someone decides they don’t want to be with you over the holidays, respect that choice for them,” she explained. “Don’t make them feel bad for prioritising themselves and their needs. [It] will potentially, you know, make things worse long term. I just honour that everyone needs to do what’s best for them, whether that be financially, emotionally, or physically.”

Even if you decide to celebrate Thanksgiving this year without your family, it doesn’t mean that you’re entirely on your own. Mahony suggested setting up a Zoom call or FaceTime with some friends, or planning a fun meal if you’re worried about eating solo. “You could really do whatever you want, so I would set up things for yourself to look forward to,” she said.

For those who are spending the holiday alone, but still want to take part in Thanksgiving-related activities, spend the morning or afternoon at a local homeless centre. You can continue the day by hosting a Friendsgiving dinner or movie night with your pals who are still in town. When it comes to food, you can cook a mini turkey for one or ditch Thanksgiving dinner altogether and order take-out at a local restaurant. Then, close out the night with some early Black Friday shopping online or in person.

Although this Thursday is indeed a federal holiday, who says the day can’t feel like any other? Ultimately, how you spend Thanksgiving is entirely up to you and there’s no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays. Remember that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself for avoiding family during the holiday season.

“If Thanksgiving looks different for you year after year, that’s okay. There’s not a specific way to spend the holidays and no family looks the same,” Mahoney said. “If you’re coming to terms with the fact that being with your family for the holidays isn’t what’s best for you, give yourself a little bit of compassion there.

“It will get easier over the years, as you figure out how to take care of yourself better.”