The 14 things parents should and shouldn’t say to teenagers about sex
Talking to teens about sex can be embarrassing for both parties
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Your support makes all the difference.If mums and dads want their soon-to-be-adult offspring to be sexually healthy, confident and informed, talking to them about sexual health, instead of letting them get all their ‘facts’ from their friends and social media, is sensible parenting.
And there’s no better time to address the issue than on World Sexual Health Day (WSHD) on September 4, which has a theme of positive relationships.
“For many parents, the prospect of talking to teenagers about sex is – in their words – mega-cringe,” says Rebecca Cant, resource development co-ordinator at Brook, the sexual health and wellbeing charity.
“However, talking to teenagers means equipping them with the knowledge they need to make informed decisions, develop healthy relationships, and understand their bodies.”
Cant says research shows that when young people receive good quality sex education, both at school and at home, they’re more likely to delay sexual activity, their first-time sex is more likely to have been consensual, and they’re more likely to practice safe sex and seek help when things go wrong.
“Sex education at home can complement what’s taught in schools and fill in the gaps, especially when addressing values, beliefs, and the emotional aspects of relationships,” she explains. “It also provides teenagers with a trusted source of information, helping to dispel myths and misconceptions they might encounter from peers or online.”
But, if you have no idea how to go about talking to your teenager about sex, and what you should or shouldn’t say, you’re not alone. Here’s Cant’s advice…
1. Forget the idea of ‘one big talk’
Cant says sitting down for a big talk can be very awkward, and points out: “Little and often is the key to keeping conversations natural.” If something related to sex and relationships is in a film or the news, she suggests parents ask their teen what they think about it, or share their own perspective.
2. Acknowledge embarrassment
It’s normal to feel awkward or embarrassed when talking about sex, especially if you were raised in a household where it wasn’t openly discussed, says Cant. “Recognising this can help ease the tension – for instance, you might say, ‘I know this can be a bit embarrassing to talk about, and I never talked about this stuff with my parents, but I’ll do my best.’
3. Use correct terminology
Use the right names for body parts and functions, Cant advises. “This promotes a healthy understanding of their bodies and normalises the conversation,” she says.
4. Talk about consent
Teach your teenager the importance of respecting their own and other people’s bodies. Cant says: “Explain everyone has the right to make decisions about their own body and that we should respect the boundaries of others.”
She suggests practising everyday consent around physical affection is also a good idea, so asking your teen if they want a hug, for example, is a good way to model respect for boundaries.
5. Discuss emotions and relationships
Do explain that sex isn’t just a physical act but also involves emotional connections, and encourage them to think about their feelings and values. Cant says a helpful phrase could be: “Take your time to figure out how you feel about things – your emotions are just as important as the physical side of relationships.”
6. Encourage questions
Let your teenager know you welcome their questions and are there to help them. Cant suggests parents reassure teens by saying you’re glad they asked, and acknowledging that it can take courage to ask a question.
7. Use distancing techniques
If your teenager feels uncomfortable discussing sex-related topics, try distancing techniques, Cant advises. “Summon your inner-Attenborough and frame questions in an anthropological way that doesn’t feel too personal. For example, say things like, ‘Humans are so interesting – why do you think we tend to cover our private parts?’.”
8. Talk inclusively
Do speak inclusively about different types of relationships and sexual orientations from an early age, says Cant, and normalise discussions about LGBT+ identities. “Make it clear love and relationships come in many forms, all of which you respect. You might say, ‘People love in many different ways, and it’s all completely normal, what matters most is that relationships are based on respect and care’.”
9. Don’t use euphemisms
Avoid using vague or euphemistic language that can create confusion or shame. “Stick to clear, straightforward language to ensure understanding,” Cant advises.
10. Avoid assumptions
Don’t assume your teenager knows everything, or nothing. “Gauge their knowledge and build from there,” suggests Cant. “Instead of assuming, ask what they already know about this.”
11. Don’t be judgmental
Refrain from expressing shock or disapproval, as this can shut down communication and make your teenager hesitant to talk in the future. Cant says if they share something surprising, parents might respond by thanking them, and suggesting you talk about it more so you can fully understand.
12. Don’t ignore their feelings
If your teenager expresses discomfort or anxiety, acknowledge these feelings, Cant advises. “Don’t dismiss their emotions or rush the conversation,” she says – suggesting parents might say, “I can see this is making you uncomfortable. It’s ok to feel that way – we can talk about this at your own pace.”
13. Don’t overwhelm them
Consider your teen’s age and maturity level. Too much information at once can be confusing or overwhelming, says Cant, so start with the basics, and suggest coming back to a subject later.
14. Don’t just carry on regardless
If a question takes you by surprise and you need a moment to gather your thoughts, don’t just carry on. Cant suggests: “Try saying, ‘Can you give me a moment to grab a cuppa, and then we can chat about it?’”
She adds: “Remember, talking about sex with your teenager is an ongoing dialogue that evolves as they grow and mature.”