Dear Fiona: I’m happily married but since I saw my first love I can’t stop thinking about him
Agony aunt and trained counsellor Fiona Caine says sometimes it really is best if the past stays in the past…
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“Last month, I bumped into an old boyfriend. I didn’t recognise him at first behind his mask, but he recognised me and spoke to me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since. We parted about nine years ago, when he ditched me for someone else. At the time, I was fairly messed up by the whole thing and swore that if I ever saw him again, I would claw his eyes out!
“So, what did I do? I just stood there and chatted to him, as though we were long-lost friends! I even suggested we go for a drink. I really don’t know what I was thinking, because I am now 28 and happily married with two children. I just went all stupid and giddy again, as he was just as gorgeous as he was when I was a teenager. He could so easily have taken advantage of the situation, but thankfully he declined, saying he was too busy – he did give me his business card though and suggested I should get in touch if I’d like to.
“I feel so cross with myself not only for agreeing to see him, but also because he’s been on my mind ever since. The thing is though, will I be able to resist making contact with him? I truly love my husband, but this was my first love.”
Fiona says…
“I can’t tell you if you’ll be able to resist seeing this man again, but I’m fairly certain it is something you should resist. It seems clear that your subconscious has forgiven this man, even if your conscious self hasn’t! I think you know that it wouldn’t do you any good at all if you really had clawed his eyes out. Nor would you do your marriage, your children, or yourself any good if you were to see him again.
“It’s very hard not to have a strong emotional reaction to the first person you fell in love with – even when you’ve happily in love with someone else. What you saw when you first fell for him over nine years ago, was what you undoubtedly saw when you met him again. But consider what happened and how things have changed since. Were you to foolishly start an affair with this man, what is to say he wouldn’t treat you in the same way again?
It’s very hard not to have a strong emotional reaction to the first person you fell in love with...
“Furthermore, did you find out about his circumstances? He gave you a business number rather than a personal one – that might be because he is also in a relationship and wouldn’t want his wife/partner to find out if he began an affair. It might also be because it would be easier for him to give you the brush off if you were to call his office – an assistant, for example, could be answering his calls.
“It might help if you were to contact friends who saw you go through the heartbreak he caused you at the time, and tell them about your meeting. I am sure they would soon help you to see him in a new light.
“Try to accept what has happened, you met an old friend with whom you parted on bad terms. He is not someone you need to see again, nor I suspect does he really want to see you, otherwise he would have tried a lot harder. Put the past behind you where it belongs, and concentrate on building a future with the man you love and your children.”
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.