How to support a friend or loved one going through IVF
The IVF process is never straightforward and has many ups and down, so remember to be a good listener and offer practical support.
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Kelly Rissman
US News Reporter
The proportion of NHS-funded IVF cycles in the UK has fallen to the lowest level since 2008, according to a report by the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA).
Around one in four (27%) of IVF cycles during 2022 were paid for by the NHS, a significant drop from 40% in 2012, the report indicated.
If a friend or loved one is going through IVF, or considering pursuing fertility treatment soon, you might be thinking about how you can support them with the ups and downs they’ll face along the way. We asked experts to share some suggestions…
IVF can be a physical and emotional rollercoaster
To empathise with what a friend or loved one is going through with IVF, it’s important to dispel some of the common myths around the process.
“One of the biggest misconceptions about IVF is that it guarantees instant success, especially on the first try,” says Dr Amit Shah, leading gynaecologist and co-founder of Harley Street clinic Fertility Plus. “The reality is that success rates vary significantly, based on factors including age, overall health and more specific underlying fertility issues.”
The emotional and physical toll of IVF is also often underestimated.
“Hormonal treatments may cause side-effects such as bloating, mood swings and headaches, which can affect day-to-day wellbeing,” says Shah. “Mentally, the process can be incredibly taxing.”
Mr Maiti, senior consultant gynaecologist and obstetrician at Pall Mall Medical, adds: “IVF can lead to significant emotional stress, anxiety, and, in some cases, even depression, with multiple failed attempts taking its toll. The financial burden adds stress also, and it can strain relationships.”
Avoid dismissive comments and unsolicited advice
It’s only natural to want to offer words of encouragement. But unsolicited advice, and anything veering into toxic positivity, could have the opposite effect. Maiti suggests: “Avoid saying ‘just relax’ or ‘it will happen when it’s meant to be’, as these can feel dismissive.”
Shah agrees, adding: “You may want to refrain from (unless your loved one says differently), offering unsolicited advice. While you may mean well, it is likely your loved one is already feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of the fertility process.”
Ask how they’re feeling
Thoughtful questions about their feelings can go a long way. “Open-ended questions like ‘how are you feeling?’ or ‘is there anything you need or want to talk about?’ are always best,” says Maiti. “It shows support without pushing for details.”
Shah adds: “It’s also helpful to gauge their need for conversation or distraction with questions like, ‘Would you like to talk about the process, or would you prefer a distraction?'”
Offer practical support
IVF can be an overwhelming time, so helping out with simple tasks like cooking, cleaning or errands could make a big difference. “Offer practical support by asking, ‘Are there any appointments tasks you need help with?’,” suggests Shah. “These questions can provide a sense of care and involvement without being overly intrusive.”
Be a good listener
If someone does start to open up and talk, remember the best thing you can do is just be a good listener. “Maintain eye contact, nod and give verbal affirmations to show that you are engaged,” says Shah. “Avoid interrupting or offering solutions, unless they specifically ask for advice. Being present in the moment without distractions like phones or other interruptions also demonstrates genuine care and attention to their needs and experiences.”
Leila Thabet, general manager of Maven Clinic, has undergone IVF treatment herself and says the most important thing a friend can do is to just be there.
“Many women value a friend to talk to, others are too emotionally depleted to do so,” says Thabet. “Let them know that you are there for them and are ready to listen without judgement.”
Remind them they matter too
IVF can be very consuming, and it’s easy for people to forget their own needs. Some gentle reminders could be helpful.
“Encourage self-care activities and relaxation techniques which promote their overall wellbeing, and help to alleviate some of the stress associated with the process,” suggests Shah.
You could also suggest they join a support group.
“If it’s something they may feel comfortable with, encourage your loved one to join a support group or connect with others who are going through similar experiences,” Shah adds. “This can provide additional emotional support and understanding during what can feel like an isolating time.”