Virginia Ironside's Dilemmas

Dear Virginia, Last year, a close friend sent a card asking us to put a date in our diaries for his wedding, to a woman who has a son. We booked flights and a hotel for us and our two kids, who are eight and nine. But when the invitation came, it was addressed only to us parents. I rang my friend, who was apologetic, but said there was a 'no kids' policy. What can we do? We can't cancel the flights or leave our children with strangers. Yours sincerely, Rita

A "no kids" policy? A "no kids" policy? At a wedding? Am I reading this right? I have never heard of anything so mean-spirited, ungenerous and, indeed, socially destructive. Surely weddings are all about children. Getting married means either that you are thinking of having children or that you already have children together and want to tie up all the loose ends and make the whole thing legal. If you're having an oldie wedding, all the more reason to have children around because most of them are about 18 anyway.

Why do you know such ghastly people, Rita? If their dreadful "policy" is something to do with the catering and expense, why can't you offer – as a wedding present! – to buy in some cooked sausages, yogurts and crisps and provide orange juice just for the kids. These tiny people – and there can hardly be more than 20 of them, at most – are not going to drink alcohol, so this Scrooge-like couple can hardly blame the policy on cost. And what church is going to forbid children at the service, if indeed there is a church service? Churches love children because they see them as potential flock. Get 'em young, cram 'em in, pile 'em high, say the vicars, rubbing their hands as they anticipate dozens of future confirmations and congregations.

If they anticipate them rushing around at the reception, then what's wrong with that? And if they really hate the idea, they could employ a children's entertainer to make endless dachshunds out of balloons to divert them.

Is it that they dread the service being spoilt by the odd yelp? Most parents will take a screaming baby outside during a formal ceremony, if it's very distressed and taking attention away from the big moment.

Will your friend's soon-to-be step-son be allowed to come, poor wretch, or will he, too, be left at home in front of the box while his mother enjoys one of the biggest moments in her life? Will the she forsake the idea of having little giggling girls wetting themselves with excitement as they follow her up the aisle in their special dresses – or will she make do with hulking great middle-aged girlfriends, staggering up the aisle in pink?

It's really important that children witness ceremonies like weddings, funerals, and christenings – and become involved. Ritual is crucial in a child's life, and to experience first-hand the awe and reverence of such occasions, to find that this is a time when even grown-ups have to be quiet, to hear the familiar service for the first time, to stand up as the couple comes down the aisle to a trumpet voluntary... all this is sheer magic to a child, and imprints itself on a child's memory as something wonderful and magical, and not to be taken lightly.

Of course you can snub your friends and just refuse to attend. You can try your best to have a holiday in a place you would probably never dream of going, and don't give them a second thought. But if I were you, Rita, I would press for your children to be allowed to attend. Make these friends come out into the open with to what it is they object about children. It's not too late to persuade them to turn what promises to be a bunged-up, formal and, indeed, deadly occasion, into a really warm and special day. For everyone.

Readers say

You have plenty of choice

Rita, you need to decide what you want here and try to look at solutions rather than problems. This couple will not have decided to leave out your children to hurt you. There will be hordes of children who could theoretically come, and they won't want to cause offence by including some and not others. I would write to them, explain the problem and ask if they have any ideas. Could you leave your children home with a relative and sell the spare flights on? Or take a trusted niece or nephew with you to look after the children for a few hours? Or could you contact the hotel and see if they could arrange babysitting for a few hours? Maybe the children could come on to the party later. You could also just go to see the couple being married with the children and treat the rest of the time as a holiday. Don't let it settle into a feud; there are tons of possibilities if you start to look for them.

Eileen, Glasgow

You have no choice

Your friend is entitled to the "no kids" policy: it's their wedding. Your upset is unreasonable. You have booked flights and a hotel, so go and enjoy the holiday/short break with your family, but regretfully decline the invitation to the wedding. Since you will be in the area anyway, arrange if possible to meet with your friend to wish them well.

Sue Haxby, Christchurch

No guilt trip

As a matter of principle, I don't use pubs or restaurants that have "no children" policies, even though I have no children under 21. You could explain to your friend that you have a policy of not leaving children behind. Have your holiday with them, and forget the wedding. You could invite your friend and his new wife round to the hotel for a meal – just the six of you. Enjoy your trip, and don't make it a guilt trip!

Simon Rayner, Newcastle-under-Lyme, Staffordshire

All or nothing

When your friend sent you the card regarding the date of the wedding, why was he unable to tell you it was "no kids" then? Secondly, I note that his intended bride has a son – is he invited to his mother's wedding? This all sounds rather selfish on the groom's part. A true friend would welcome you all as a family. We have experience of our kids being unwelcome at similar occasions, and we soon learnt to ditch those who didn't enjoy our company as a family. If he wants you at the wedding, he can have you as a family.

Melissa Boyle, Stoke Lacy, Bromyard