IVF: 'Sorry, but I'm not supermum'

Most women find new motherhood harder than they expected. But for women who have conceived by IVF, life with baby (or babies) can bring extra heartache

After five years of marriage, Doriver Lilley and her husband Ian decided that they wanted to start a family. Unfortunately, it didn't prove to be that simple. "It was awful," says Doriver, who is now 37. "It's the worst thing I've ever been through in my life. I thought I wasn't going to be a mother and I just kept away from children. I couldn't even look at photographs of my niece or take the dog for a walk in the park."

Eventually, after six years and three in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments, Doriver was told she was pregnant with twins. However, her pregnancy wasn't exactly what she had expected.

"I thought I'd feel radiant the whole time," she says. "But instead I had this overwhelming feeling that something would go wrong. I couldn't believe that my body was capable of carrying a baby when it obviously couldn't get pregnant naturally."

Doriver gave birth to twins, Daniel and Jordanne, in February 1998. "The longer you're trying to be pregnant and have a family, the more you idealise it, picturing lovely walks to the park, feeding the ducks, smiling and laughing," says Doriver, from Derby. "You don't think about the reality, of the twins screaming and you getting no sleep. You start thinking that you weren't supposed to be a mum, that God knew more than you did."

Having infertility treatment is usually a long, stressful struggle that often ends in heartache, not children. Doriver knew this, and felt that, although she sometimes found the twins difficult to deal with, she simply could not moan. "There's tremendous pressure to be entirely grateful for what you've got," she says. "You've complained so much before about not being able to have children, it seems ridiculous to be whingeing now you've got what you hoped for. You can't admit you're not coping."

Dr Glenn Atkinson is the Medical Director of CARE (Centres for Assisted Reproduction) in Manchester. He is not surprised by Doriver's experience. "I've certainly heard that mothers feel they can't complain," he says. "It's difficult to differentiate their feelings from those of a normal mother but if you've got infertility, you've had more time to build a rosy picture and the reality may be difficult to live up to."

Those high expectations affected Bren Hutchison from the moment she found she was pregnant. Bren, 38, from Cheshire, says that she "switched off emotionally" and couldn't share in the excitement of all her friends and relatives. "I had been trying for four and a half years to have a baby and this was our second attempt at IVF," says Bren. "But I immediately felt I wouldn't be able to cope with a baby and I couldn't admit that because I'd spent such a long time trying to get pregnant. I felt so guilty because of all the help I'd had and because I knew other people were desperate to be in my position."

Seth was born on 23 December 2000. "I was a physical and emotional wreck," says Bren. "And it was all so much worse because of the guilt. I'd always thought that I was going to be a wonder mum so I couldn't believe I had any negative thoughts towards my baby."

Many parents find the reality of having children more difficult than they expected. The red-faced monster who wakes you up screaming in the middle of the night is not what most people visualise when they decide to reproduce. But Doriver, Bren and many others who conceived artificially say that their experience is quite different from parents who have conceived naturally.

"You just want to be the perfect parent," says Doriver. "If you shout at your baby when they're naughty, you end up apologising, saying that you know they didn't want to be born. You think perhaps you should never have been a mum, that you're useless."

Multiple pregnancies do not make the situation any easier. "They increase the stress on the mother and the whole family unit," says Glenn Atkinson, a sentiment echoed by Doriver Lilley.

"If you conceived twins naturally, you could feel hard done by," she says. "You can't feel like that if you've conceived through IVF. Firstly you've asked for more than one embryo to be put back, so what can you expect? Twins are seen as the ideal end to infertility by the clinics as they give people a complete family in one go. But they are far from ideal. Although I love my twins, I'd sooner they'd come along one by one."

What helped Bren and Doriver was talking to others in a similar situation. "My GP linked my feelings to the IVF and I do think a big part of my experience was the journey I went through to get the baby," says Bren. "You feel so, so lucky and then create all this pressure for yourself. I couldn't remember ever hearing any IVF mother say anything negative about their experiences and felt such immense guilt. Then I met some other people who had gone through what I had and felt they understood."

"I didn't know anybody else who was pregnant after infertility treatment," adds Doriver, "and, although there were groups for people who couldn't have children, I could hardly go back there and say I needed to talk because I was lucky enough to have given birth. You are constantly aware that there are other women, desperate to get pregnant, who would gladly smack you in the face.

"You feel like you're being watched after you've had a baby through IVF," she continues. "My children were three and a half before they had a babysitter and when I put them in a nursery I felt terrible because I'd gone through so much and then wasn't looking after them all day, every day."

Doriver has since helped set up a support group called ACeBabes (for families following assisted conception). "Clinics do a wonderful job, but then they say goodbye," says Doriver. "Everyone was saying there was a need for a group like ours, but no one was doing anything about it. Then once we set up ACeBabes, we didn't get any financial support."

Earlier this year ACeBabes was finally granted £58,000 from the Lottery's Community Fund. That gives them a chance to expand nationally. "The majority of people having treatment haven't heard of ACeBabes," she says. "Now we want to get our information into antenatal clinics across the country."

In January 2001, Doriver gave birth to James, who was conceived naturally. "I was worried about feeling differently towards him," she says. "But I've realised that I've got three individuals and I don't have to be supermum. In any case, it all gets easier as the children grow up."

For more information on ACeBabes contact www.acebabes.co.uk or telephone 01332 832 558