I hate my friend’s new partner – should I say something or just leave it?
Counsellor and psychotherapist Alison Goolnik answers the impossible question
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Your support makes all the difference.When a friend gets into a relationship with someone new, you want to be happy for them – but what if you don’t like the person? Or think they’re completely wrong for your mate?
First of all, you’re not alone. It’s actually quite common to dislike a friend’s partner, says BACP-registered counsellor and psychotherapist Alison Goolnik.
“Whether you say something to your friend depends on several factors; understanding why you dislike this person, how this affects you, and the potential impact your words can have on your friendship.”
Figure out your own feelings first
It’s important to first work out what you’re actually feeling – and whether it really is ‘dislike’ for the new partner.
“You may find yourself feeling jealous of your friend’s partner and insecure about your friendship because you fear this new relationship could destroy it. Or you may feel protective of your friend and become concerned for their wellbeing or safety due to how their new partner treats them,” Goolnik says.
“Perhaps you just dislike the partner because you find them annoying and irritating, and you are disappointed that your friend chose this partner and resent having to spend time with them. Be honest with yourself. What are these feelings about? Knowing the source can help you decide what to do next.”
When trying to understand your dislike for your friend’s partner, she suggests you ask yourself, ‘What is the reason why you want to say something to your friend?’, ‘Is your friendship feeling threatened?’, ‘Are you concerned for your friend’s wellbeing and safety?’, ‘Do you know something about the partner that your friend is unaware of?’, ‘Does the partner make your friend happy?’ and, ‘What do you like and dislike about your friend’s partner?’.
How to approach the conversation
If, after all that, you still feel the need to approach your friend about your feelings, how you approach the conversation will depend on several factors, like how close you are and how they will react.
“This is a very personal decision based on what you feel is best for your friendship,” says Goolnik. But she advises finding a quiet, private location where you won’t get interrupted.
“Start the conversation by letting your friend know how much you value the friendship and that you have their best interests at heart. Own what you say, rather than blame your friend or the partner. Use ‘I’ statements like ‘I felt it was disrespectful when…’, ‘I am concerned about you because…’
“Avoid being too direct about your feelings. It can make your friend defensive and annoyed and will perhaps put a stop to the conversation.”
It’s key to stay empathetic and patient, and “be specific about your concerns, rather than making general statements and listen to your friend’s response, even if you don’t agree with it”, says Goolnik.
She suggests also asking your friend questions, for example, ‘Does your partner make you happy?’, ‘Do you have any concerns about your relationship?’
But ultimately, “Respect your friend’s decision whatever it is; you want to support your friend, not tell them what to do.”
What impact can saying something – and not saying something – have on the friendship?
“Saying something to your friend has pros and cons. It could upset them and strain your friendship. It might make them defensive and resentful. They may see you as interfering and unhelpful,” says Goolnik.
“Saying something can protect them from getting hurt, however. Your friend could be grateful and receptive to feedback, even if he or she disagrees with you.”
If you decide not to say something, the unsaid feelings can cause “frustration and awkwardness” – which could create a barrier between you and your friend, she adds.
“It is tough to be exposed to someone you dislike, and you may find it hard to be nice to your friend’s partner – which can bring out the worst in you. But by not saying something you could be respecting your friend’s choices and saving your friendship.
“Prioritising your friend’s mental health and safety is essential though.”
To find a therapist visit bacp.co.uk