Gwyneth Paltrow feels ‘impending empty nest grief’ – how to prepare for your kids leaving home
As the actor reveals her fears about her kids leaving home, Lisa Salmon finds out how parents can best prepare for an empty nest.
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Your support makes all the difference.Although it’s around six months before the next lot of teenagers head off to university, some parents are starting to worry about their departure already – and one of them is Gwyneth Paltrow.
The film star has admitted she’s struggling with a “deep sense of impending grief” as her 17-year-old son Moses – from her marriage to Coldplay’s Chris Martin – prepares to leave home to go to university later this year.
Their other daughter Apple, 19, has already moved out and Paltrow’s stepson, Brody, is also going to be leaving, and the actor has revealed she’s dreading having an empty house.
Talking about her feelings about the boys leaving, she told the Sunday Times: “On the one hand incredible sadness. A deep sense of impending grief. On the other hand this is exactly what should be happening.
“Your kids are supposed to be, you know, young adults who can achieve and cope and make connections and be resilient. That’s exactly what you want. And that means they leave the house.”
But how should parents be dealing with that ‘impending grief’? Is it too early to start worrying about it?
“It always feels like a long time, but it isn’t,” says social psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley of Potent Psychology. “On the one hand, you might think or the freedom you’ll have, but there’s also the element of ‘Oh my God, they’re going, I’ll have all that time to fill, what am I going to do?’
“Whenever you’ve got somebody in your life – whether it be a romantic partner, or a child – who isn’t around, you’ll miss them. That’s completely natural and Gwyneth is doing the right thing by trying to prepare for it for now.”
Do the ‘backward maths’
Wheatley suggests that when parents know roughly when their child will be leaving home, they do ‘backward maths’ to work out what needs doing when.
“If you’ve got a deadline, for example kids leaving home to go to university or to start a job, and there’s a specific date that departure is imminent, then you know where you are, and you can do that backward maths where you work out, what’s going to happen, and it’s going to be very busy, right up until the time they leave.
“You know you’re going to have to be on call a little bit for them for the first few weeks or months before and after they’re away.”
Plan something for you
Children planning to go off to university is, as Paltrow says, a sign that they’re resilient young adults and are moving on with their lives – so maybe it’s a good time for parents to start thinking about moving on with theirs.
“You can’t just be there, hoping that you’re going to be useful, fearing that, actually, they won’t need you,” says Wheatley. “So it does no harm to actually plan something for you.”
That could be booking yourself on a new course for September, when your child leaves, and Wheatley points out: “It doesn’t necessarily have to be things like pottery – you could do anything, even change career – you can grab that world and finally get round to doing something that’s for you.”
Look at doing more with your partner
If you’ve got a partner, the prospect of having much more time without the kids around could be a good opportunity to do more things together.
“If you’ve always promised yourself that together, you’ll learn how to sail or do something else, or take more of an interest in something your partner already does that you want to get into more, then now is a good time to talk about it,” suggests Wheatley.
Focus on the positives
Although you will of course miss your child, remember there will be some positive aspects to them going away – from lower food bills, to less washing and a tidier house.
“If you flood your thoughts with positives, there’s no room for the negative,” says Wheatley. “That can be a very useful thing to do, also quite a difficult thing to do. Humans are very good at focusing on the negative, and what we don’t do enough of is looking for the positive. You just have to look a little bit harder – negatives tend to jump out, but you may have to search for the positives. You may find yourself thinking the house is going to be tidier, and it’s not necessarily the actual thing that is positive, but what it frees you up to do instead.”
Talk to your child about how you feel
It’s not just your child who’s about to embark on a life-changing experience – things are about to change a lot for you too, and it’s important to tell your child how you’re starting to feel, Wheatley stresses.
“The cutting of the cord works both ways,” she says. “It’s something for you as well as for them, and you both have to be brave. It’s going to be new for everybody, so sharing that with them, not in a way that’s burdening for them so they feel they shouldn’t leave, but simply to talk about it so they know they’re not alone, because you’re going through a similar thing too – a different perspective, but similar – and it’s all going to be different for everybody.
“And it’s going to be great sometimes, quite sad and a little bit upsetting other times, but nevertheless it’s all going to change and you’ll be going through the journey together, just as you have done always.”