Reader dilemma: Should we return home to Northern Ireland?

"It partly depends on your accent and your circumstances"

2. Fermanagh Northern Ireland (Getty)

Dear Virginia,

My husband and I live in a tiny, dark cottage in the country. Now that the children have gone, it gets me down, as I’m sociable but can’t drive. I grew up in a large, airy house in Northern Ireland, where I could walk to the shops and the sea. We could afford to move there and my husband is keen. But we would leave all our friends – and I no longer know people over there. I once heard a programme about Jamaicans going home and everyone hating them, saying they’d been disloyal in going away. Do other readers have experience of returning home like this?

Yours sincerely, Sheila

Virginia says

Like you, I’ve heard that Jamaicans returning home can sometimes find a very unwelcome reception. A family I knew who went back and built a house after making their money in England found the locals so resentful that they’ve had to turn their dream home into a fortress guarded by barbed wire and dogs.

I don’t think, however, that you, Sheila, will find anything like the same situation in Ireland. It partly depends on your accent and your circumstances. If you have developed a cut-glass English accent, and a cut-glass English-accented husband and you are planning to live in a tiny village dominated by clans, and if you then try to outbid on a house that locals feel should go to someone of their own tight network, you may not be very much liked. But that situation could arise anywhere and not just in Northern Ireland.

The Northern Irish are, on the whole, known for their very friendly attitude to visitors, as I know from personal experience as I recently went on a visit there. And if you have old friends who you still know in the area, and there are elderly residents around who perhaps knew your family, you’re almost certain to be welcomed with open arms. A friend who returned to Northern Ireland after 15 years away said she experienced not a hint of resentment. So I doubt if there’ll be cries of “Cowards! You avoided the Troubles, while we all suffered! Go away!”

But while you’ll be fine, I worry about your children. Will they really want to hike over to Northern Ireland to catch a glimpse of you over the coming years? As you grow older, will you be able to face the journey back to the UK to visit old friends? And although they may be able to pop over now, will your friends feel like nipping over the Irish sea to visit you as they age?

I was recently thinking of moving from west to south London, and even then I realised that, fairly shortly, none of my friends will feel like travelling much farther than within the borough they live in – and I’ll be the same.

When you have grandchildren, won’t you want to live near them rather than miles and miles away over the water?

I’m sure you will have no problem in making a huge circle of friends in Ireland, but remember that there is no friend like an old friend, and you may, as you get older, miss the friends with whom you go back a long time.

So I would suggest that, before you make any drastic move, you consider letting out your dark and tiny cottage for a year and renting somewhere in Northern Ireland. Then you can try out your plan. This would give you a good idea of whether you felt comfortable there, but, on the other hand, you wouldn’t have burned your boats.

Readers say...

Please don’t do this

Whatever you do, don’t move back there. As an adviser for Age Concern for 10 years, I have encountered many stories like yours, and I can say you will be setting yourself up for massive disillusionment, quite apart from abandoning your present social networks. Can you not move to somewhere more accessible, but in your present area?

Tam

by email

Don’t be tied down

I personally value friends very much but, if your life changes, it might mean that you have to move to suit your needs, not your friends’ needs. We live in an era where you will be able to contact them at the touch of a button, with Skype, Facebook, email etc.

If you feel stifled and want to move, and your husband is keen, then I suggest that you do it. Don’t feel tied down by these things.

Many people move, not just to another town but to a new country. And this will give your friends an opportunity to come and visit you in your new home.

You are not disloyal in any way. I have moved from South Africa, and I still have contact with all my family and friends, and no one has ever called me disloyal.

Louis Nel

by email

You can still make new friends

You say that you are a sociable type. My guess is that making new friends may not be as difficult as you think, as long as you are prepared to work at it a bit and perhaps get involved in local clubs or churches. Often, these organisations are very keen to welcome new blood, especially in small communities. In such a friendly country, you and your husband would soon be able to build a new network. Just make sure you have a spare room: the winters may be a little quiet, but in summer by the sea, you’ll find yourselves suddenly very popular with your family and old friends.

JJ Jackson

by email

Work out what you really want

You should definitely make a move. What has suited you while raising a family clearly doesn’t make you happy now. It would be natural to want to return to the place you grew up – many people have this instinct in later life. But is this what you really want? Because, if the problem is your isolation, then surely you should consider staying in the area where you have put down roots and finding a house that’s closer to town, more accessible for your children, and where you can keep your old friends around you.

Isobel

by email

Next week's dilemma

At 52 and single, my parents still treat me like a teenager. Sometimes, they drag me out on boring outings – such as a drive in the country – which they think I’ll enjoy, even though I have a house, a job and a car. They often pop round and expect me to drop everything. Recently, when they called, I was installing a washing machine and I could see my father watching, almost hoping that I’d fail and have to ask for his help. My mother sat there saying why did I need a washing machine anyway, when she’d be happy to collect my washing and do it herself. I feel angry and baffled.

Yours sincerely,

Richard

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