Reader dilemma: 'My son and his on-off girlfriend are expecting a child he doesn't want - what can we do?'

'We dislike her intensely, yet we can’t abandon a child who’ll be part of our family'

(Adam Hester/Blend Images/Corbis)

Dear Virginia,

Although they broke up after six months, my son and his girlfriend, a single mother, still slept together occasionally. Now she’s pregnant. My son wants her to have an abortion, but she refuses. We dislike her intensely, and she lives three hours from us. Yet we can’t abandon a child who’ll be part of our family. She says my son needn’t have a role in its life, but he feels obliged to take responsibility, even though he’s just starting out, with a new job far away. His life will be ruined by one night of stupidity. What can we do?

Yours sincerely, Peter and Barbara

Virginia says

I sympathise. And, like you, my first reaction would be to put my head in my hands and stuff wool in my ears to stop the sound of the crashing of thunder and the resounding of the word “ruined!”

But I hope that by now you’ve got over that stage and realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do except adapt your lives to fit this new development.

Let’s start with that word “ruined”. Your son’s life isn’t ruined. It’s changed. Yes, it has changed rather drastically, and it’s a change that will affect him for the rest of his life, but for all you know, this child my grow up to be a glorious addition to his – and your – lives, and fill you with purpose and pride. Unlikely, I know, but don’t rule it out.

Next, be proud of yourselves for bringing up a son with such good values. It’s not all young men who feels they ought to take responsibility for their offspring – even when they’re divorced. So you can pat yourselves – and him – on the back for his deciding to do the right thing. He’s not going to abandon the baby. He may not see it daily, but I hope he will be a constant, even if distant, presence in his or her life. The child will have a father.

And of course you’re right. You can’t abandon this woman. You say you dislike her intensely. Fine, you can’t stop doing that. But you must find some good things about her and dwell on them. It is possible, even with people you dislike intensely, to love a bit of them. And if you concentrate on those aspects, your loving feelings can grow. I do believe it is possible, if you try hard enough, to force yourself to like someone you hate, at least a little bit. And the way to do this is to get to know them better. Ask her round. Ask her about herself, her hopes, her fears. Ask her about her childhood. Try, if you possibly can, to understand how she ticks. On the whole, people aren’t vile without there being some good reason behind it – trying to take revenge for some slight they received in their childhood, deep-seated insecurity, a feeling of hopeless inadequacy… Imagine yourself as her therapeutic counsellor and imagine her as a horrible child who’s been brought to you by her despairing parents. Try to win her trust and analyse why she is the way she is.

She can’t be totally awful, after all, or your son wouldn’t have gone out with her even for a few months.

Years on, you may still hate her. But you must learn to love something about her, not in a dippy “Love conquers all” way, true as this may be, but for practical reasons – not only for your son’s sake, but also for that of your grandchild.

Readers say...

Don’t throw away this chance

You need to put to one side your own feelings about this woman and decide what sort of a relationship you want with your new grandchild. Mercifully, your son seems more grown-up about this than you two. Be the grown-ups in this scenario and be supportive of your son. He is going to need you when the child arrives and beyond, and hopefully, you will learn to recognise that a grandchild is a blessing, whatever the circumstances of his or her arrival. I don’t know anybody who has ever regretted having a grandchild, but I’m sure plenty bitterly regret turning their backs on that chance because of their inability to see the child as a separate entity from the mother. Don’t become those people. The only lives ruined will be yours if you allow your feelings about her to get in the way of your son having a relationship with his child.

Mel Reynolds

Hereford

You must stop interfering

I will tell you what you can do. You can mind your own businesses. Your son is an adult and must run his own life. Parents who interfere in their children’s lives invariably end up getting the worst of it. The only thing you can do, if you wish, is to let your son know that you are there for him, his girlfriend and the child, while being prepared for her to want nothing to do with you. After all, you have made it clear you dislike her. Perhaps the feeling is mutual. My parents constantly interfered in my life when I was single. I resolved that, if I had children, I would never interfere, and I never have, even when they met, to my mind, quite unsuitable people and engaged in actions that offended my religious beliefs. I now have wonderful relationships with both my children, but only because I let them lead their own lives and make, and learn from, their own mistakes.

name and address supplied

This is their responsibility

There is a suggestion that your son’s on/off relationship with his girlfriend may have been influenced by your dislike of her. However, the pregnancy is now firmly their responsibility, and you must take a secondary position in supporting them to come to a decision that is comfortable for them both. A starting point would be to soften the tone of your language, because discussions about this pregnancy need gentle exploration rather than emotive outpourings. If you want to play a positive part in the expected child’s life, it is essential that you include the wellbeing of the mother in your considerations and show her some understanding.

Paul Jacques

Rugby

Next week's dilemma

In 15 years of married life, we’ve both worked – he full-time, and me mostly part-time in between looking after the children and home. He retired at 51 and has no intention of working again. I’ve been forced to go back to full-time work. He says he’s “done his bit”, because of his small pension. We’ve had lots of problems, but his unpleasant behaviour used to be made bearable by his being out of the house all day! Now, he spends most of his time on the golf course. I’m not sure I want to spend the next 17 years of my life working, with him as a passenger. Should I leave?

Yours sincerely,

Beth

What would you advise Beth to do? To answer this dilemma, or to share your own problem, write to dilemmas@independent.co.uk, including your address.

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