Reader dilemma: My new boss is picking on me

"He could be making a deliberate effort to freeze you out. He’s a new broom, who wants to sweep the place clean"

(Corbis)

Dear Virginia,

I’m 50, and I’ve just got a new boss, a man of 30. I’ve been in the same job for years without any problems, and I get on with everyone, but this man appears to be picking on me. His emails are cold and formal, and he never says good morning to me when he arrives, though he greets other people. I’ve tried to help him understand various ways that the office works, since I’ve been here the longest, as unobtrusively as possible, but he brushes me aside. If I make any suggestions, he doesn’t even respond. What can I do?

Yours sincerely,

Patricia

Virginia says

There are two possibilities here. The first is, as some readers have pointed out, that he is making a deliberate effort to freeze you out. He’s a new broom, who wants to sweep the place clean, and if he can’t do it by being cool and stand-offish with you, his next move will be to criticise every little thing that you do in order to finds grounds for dismissing you. In this case, it’s time for the diaries, the records and getting other members of staff to back you up when you feel slighted, so it won’t just be his word against yours.

The other possibility, however, is that you remind him of his mother. I’m sure you’ll think I’m being ridiculous in going down what you might think is a counselling-speak route, but many young men of his age can feel immensely threatened by an older woman at work. He’s barely out of short trousers (or feels he is) and has just stepped into a position of responsibility – and blow me, he’s faced with a charming but mother-hen-like woman (you) who, by constantly bending over him and pointing out little things to him, and saying: “Actually, dear, we do it this way”, reminds him instantly of his old mum saying: “Now remember to check your car insurance is up to date … don’t leave your bike out all night – it might get stolen … If you left your dirty shirts in the basket rather letting them pile up in your room, then I might have a chance to wash them for you.” He’s made to feel infantile all over again.

For the next few months, I would drop all efforts to induct him into the way of the office. Change your tack entirely. Say, rather: “Do let me know how you want things to be from now on, because you’re obviously going to want to make changes.” Even better, say nothing and simply wait for him to ask, if he wants to know anything.

If he does make any changes, don’t pat him on the head with a “Well done! You are clever! I think that’s a very good idea!”, which reminds him of his mother’s reaction to the finger-painting he brought back from primary school. Instead, talk to him more as an equal. Say: “Thank God you’ve changed that. It was driving us all mad.”

It won’t be easy. Once he’s got it into his head that you’re a mother figure, you only have to stand or smile in a way that reminds him of his old mum and he’ll feed patronised and irritated. But, by giving him completely free rein and distancing yourself from him before he can distance himself from you, you can make him feel powerful and secure once more. He won’t realise that you are, in fact, by giving him his space and letting him fly unaided, behaving like the perfect mother.

Virginia’s latest book is ‘Yes! I Can Manage Thank You! (Quercus)

Readers say...

Treat him with love and respect

This is bullying, but done in such a subtle way that it would be difficult to prove. You could easily feel undervalued if you took his reaction to you seriously. You could log down every complaint, stress about it, let your circumstances wear you down.

Alternatively, you could look at the bully compassionately: what has this guy been through to make him behave in such a way? How does his past influence his behaviour? How can his insecurities be dealt with? If I were you, I would pray for my boss and ask Jesus to help him. I would try my best not to let his behaviour get me down, find joy in all circumstances and do my job to the best of my ability. It would be difficult, but I would try to show the boss love and respect. Sometimes, the best way to treat nastiness is with kindness.

Lynda

by email

Do as you’re told

It could well be that he is trying to look objectively at the current situation and may be considering changes. He may have been told to institute reforms. So, while you are intending to be helpful in showing him how things are done, he may worry about being seen to entrench practices that may not fit future plans. If I am right, then his coldness is probably a way of discouraging your approaches without airing actual disapproval.

If, rightly or wrongly, he does not want your guidance, then your best way of supporting him, and protecting yourself, is to do what you are told and try to implement his reforms as best you can. Offer advice if he asks, but otherwise let him get on with it. And try to ignore the age thing; it may or may not be a relevant factor, but making an issue of it is surely unhelpful.

Cole Davis

by email

You could lose your job

You are at risk, as he could find an excuse to dismiss you. So you need to keep a diary that notes every incident, when it happened and in what circumstances. Tell no one else about it, and keep the notes at home, so he cannot rummage through your desk when you are not there. Take notes of how he treats others, so that a comparison can take place. Trust no-one, so don’t say anything to those who might run and tell tales about you. Remember that your colleagues are not your friends, and there are people who will betray you for promotion. Never give him an excuse to dismiss you. Be prepared to move to another job. Don’t be sentimental about the job that you are in. Good luck.

Francis Beswick

by email

Next week's dilemma

A very good friend of mine has just told me some home truths. She says that I constantly put myself down and spend my life apologising, even though I’m not in the wrong. I was very upset and argued that I like to be nice to people and it doesn’t cost anything to say sorry. But recently, I’ve thought more about what she said and I think she may have a point. I never ask people over because I think they don’t want to come, for example – which she says is ridiculous. How can I get more confident or is this just how I am?

Yours sincerely,

Erica

What would you advise Erica to do? To answer this dilemma, or to share your own problem, write to dilemmas@independent.co.uk

Anyone whose advice is quoted or whose dilemma is published will receive a Finest Bean Mini Bar Gift Pack from Prestat (prestat.co.uk).