Reader dilemma: 'My ex was a drinker who left me suddenly but now wants to 'make amends' – what do I say?'

Advice: 'It feels as if he’s written to you, raking up the past and causing you to relive all the disappointment you felt'

(Rex)

Dear Virginia,

Ten years ago, after several unsuccessful and painful relationships, I met a great guy, but he was a bit of a drinker. During our two years together, he promised he’d never let me down. Then he suddenly dumped me and married someone else within six months. I became ill and so upset that I had to leave my job temporarily. I’ve now received a letter from him saying he wants to “make amends” for his behaviour (something to do with AA). What do I say? I’m too old to have children (he has two) and I still can’t forgive him for what he did to me.

Yours sincerely, Viola

Virginia Says

You’re right about this letter being something to do with AA. Your ex-boyfriend is taking The Twelve Steps, which is a series of edicts laid down by Alcoholics Anonymous to help its members stay sober. Among these steps are these two directives: “Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all”; and “Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

I’m afraid your boyfriend has not taken into the account the final phrase of that last step – because I can imagine that you feel terribly hurt to get his letter. It feels as if he’s written to you, raking up the past and causing you to relive all the disappointment and bitterness you felt, just in order to help him feel better about himself.

This is the problem with guilt. Once you shed it, it has to have somewhere to go. It doesn’t just vanish into thin air. The result of an apology can be to make the person you’ve harmed feel much better – or it can, as in your case, alight on that person’s head and traumatise them all over again. The other person is left feeling not only injured but in a terrible double bind, finding it difficult – because of the apology – to summon up the healing and justifiable anger.

He’s written you a letter in order to feel better about himself. You would be perfectly justified in writing back a letter to him saying why you don’t feel like accepting his apology. Be as hurtful as you like. Naturally, I would suggest that you wait a month before sending it, because it could be that just writing it will make you feel better, and I doubt that you want to post off a raging letter that you might regret. (Though I suppose, after writing it and sending it, if you did regret it, you could give him a taste of his own medicine by following it up with another apologising for it and asking if you could make amends for it!)

However, he is at least acknowledging the hurt he caused you, and at least he’s been sensible enough to stop drinking. He’s doing his best. And I’m sure you have betrayed people horribly in the past from time to time – I know there must be many people in my life who feel I betrayed them. Betrayal and being betrayed seems to be part of the human condition.

My own advice would be to tear the letter up and either send it back to him or put it in the bin. You don’t have to respond in any way at all. Soon, the dust will settle and you’ll back to where you were, which was, I hope, a better position than the one which you’re in now.

Readers say...

Let him make amends

In Shakespeare’s words, the quality of mercy “is twice blessed/It blesseth him that gives and him that takes”. Your guy was in the grip of a progressive illness when he was drinking. He is now part of a fellowship that expects him to acknowledge his defects and make what amends he can for harm done. He knows that if he wants to stay sober and avoid hurting yet more people, he has to do this. For his sake and your own, please give him this opportunity. It cannot give you back the things you’ve missed, but it may help towards understanding and closure on your part. I wish you every happiness.

Rose C (recovering alcoholic in AA)

by email

He can’t take all the blame

To me, your question has two parts. The first is about how to respond to this man’s “amends” request. AA is clear that amends should be practical restitution. However, since he can’t make your failed relationship good, or give you children, I suggest that you explain to him that the only amends he can give are apologies. Get him to write a letter detailing all the awful things he thinks he did to you. When you get it, throw it away (you don’t even need to read it). That’s him dusted – been there, done that, didn’t work.

The second part is how you feel about relationships and childlessness. You seem to be blaming this man for your not having any children, but he wasn’t the one who made all your previous relationships go wrong. You have obviously made some bad choices, and only you can fix that. Think about all the good things you have in your life, and plan how you’re going to make the next bit about celebrating what makes you happy and what you’re good at. Nobody should define themselves by their failures.

Suzy

by email

Make him pay for it

An amend is more than just an apology. An amend has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged—or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can’t do it directly.

Say, for example, that I borrowed £20 from you and never paid you back. If I say to you, “I’m sorry I borrowed your £20 and spent it on drugs,” that would be an apology. Making amends is giving your money back to you. What was the financial cost to you of leaving your job and how much for counselling? Add it all up and then tell him in writing (without meeting him) that he can pay you that amount as an amendment.

You do not have to forgive him, but you do not want to give him any power or access into your life any longer.

name and address supplied

Next week's dilemma

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a couple of years, but the problem is that, ever since his mother died, he’s suddenly taken an interest in the occult. He wants me to try out a Ouija board, and spends his time on the internet looking at sites that go on about conspiracy theories. He works, but he’s increasing disparaging about his colleagues, who used to be friends, saying they’re not “aware”. I don’t have any time for all this, so it makes things rather difficult. I do love him, but do you think it’s a sign of mental illness?

Yours sincerely,

Adrianne