Reader Dilemma: 'I’ve become phobic about driving on motorways and at night – I feel my life getting really restricted'

Advice: 'It’s worth addressing the problem, because once your confidence is dented, it can spread to less stressful roads'

A phobia of motorways is more common than one might think (Rex)

Dear Virginia

I’ve got a lot of driving to do over the holiday period – visiting people all over the country. To my horror I have found that as I get older (I’m 67), I’ve become almost phobic about going on motorways and driving at night, which really limits me in winter. I try to keep to ordinary roads and drive in daylight, but will this fear be with me for ever? I feel my life getting really restricted and don’t like it at all. I hate going by train, and it always puts everyone else out as they have to come and pick me up. Do I have to accept it all as part of ageing?

Yours sincerely, Teresa

Virginia says...

You can deal with the motorway phobia. And it is a phobia. It’s quite common for people, as they get older, suddenly to lose confidence in driving, particularly if they find their sight isn’t what it used to be, even if it’s well within the driving limit. You only have to have one near miss on a motorway – or even think you had a near miss – and your body will then react with all the same panic symptoms when you next approach one.

It’s a very common condition and that’s why you’ll often find older people crawling along A and B roads in a desperate attempt to avoid motorways – even if the journey takes twice as long.

But it’s worth addressing the problem, because once your confidence is dented, it can often spread to less stressful roads, and soon you’ll be finding it hard even to get your car out of its parking space without coming out in a cold sweat. A psychologist can help – ask your doctor to refer you. Or there are variety of courses available that you could sign up to.

But driving at night as you age is a different matter. The problem is that when you get older, pupils shrink and don’t dilate as much in the dark as they used to, and that means that less light gets into the eyes. It’s why we need extra-strong reading lights, as well. Driving at night can be like wearing dark glasses, and when cyclists without lights or bright jackets loom up, it’s bad enough in the day, let alone the night. Just because they can see you, doesn’t mean you can see them.

The other problem is that the cornea and lens in the eye gets less clear as we age, and that means glare is increased, making it less easy to see objects on the road at night. According to friends with the same problem, even traffic lights can seem as bright and dazzling as fireworks.

At the moment, there’s nothing to be done about this. So what I’d do is, except in exceptional circumstances, give up driving at night – it will only make you more nervous about getting into the car – and resolve to drive only during the day, and to overcome the motorway phobia.

Yes, there are a lot of things that are restricting as you get older. But try to balance it up with the pluses – the increased confidence, the kindness of the younger generation, the perks and privileges we get, such as pensions and cheaper tickets for trains and galleries. I know it must be horrible not being able to drive at night, but once you come to terms with it, you’ll be able to cope better with being more dependent on taxis and friends on occasions when there’s no option but to travel after dark.

Readers say...

Let the train take the strain

If you are fearful of driving at night or on motorways I would suggest that you don’t drive on motorways or at night. Your freedom may feel restricted, but if you had an accident and injured yourself, or others, as a result of your apprehension, the consequences could be far more serious.

You mention that you dislike travelling by train. Book in advance, online, to find the cheapest fares. There is often a quiet carriage or discounted first class fares on weekends that may help make your journey more enjoyable. Alternatively, you could try taking motorway driving lessons with an instructor to give you more confidence. Personally, I’d take the train and let someone else bother with the stress of driving. Relax and let your family chauffeur you for the holidays.

LW

by email

Take it step by step

Have your eyesight checked. Mention any concerns you may have with night vision and have the optician double-check this. Then, take some refresher night-driving lessons with a qualified instructor. They will be able to assess your driving and give you help and advice, which will build your confidence. Also, get a satnav with lane guidance. This will be like always having someone with you, giving you support in a non-intrusive way. You will never get lost or miss another exit again. I have the TomTom Start 25 system and it’s really excellent.

When you have done all of the above, practise making short journeys in the evening. Build your confidence by increasing the length of journeys over time.And remember that motorways are the safest roads, statistically.

Taking the above steps will help you discover whether your fears have any foundation or whether you just lack confidence. Remember there is nothing to be ashamed of about taking refresher lessons. Over time, people change, road conditions change. You do not have the pressure of passing any test. Any training you do will be focused on your specific needs and making you feel happy and safe.

Julius

by email

Learn to accept help

My elderly mother, who had always looked after everyone else, gave me this advice: “As you get older, I find people offer to do things for you, tell you to sit down, take a rest etc. Do you know, I rather like it!” Don’t rage against ageing. People get a good feeling from helping out – don’t deny them that. And enjoy the train!

Margot Fawcett

Leicester

Next week's dilemma

I have a problem at work. My boss is always confiding in me about her family problems. I seem to know everything about her children, her dog, and even her sex life with her husband. But of course it’s very difficult when it comes to working together. For instance, I wanted more time off over New Year and she flew at me, saying didn’t I realise how stressed she was at home – her mother was ill and so on. I didn’t like to say that I have my problems, too. How can I get it all back on to a more professional footing? I feel it’s all getting too intense at work.

Yours sincerely,

Maria

What would you advise Maria to do? To answer this dilemma, or to share your own problem, write to dilemmas@independent.co.uk, including your address. Anyone whose advice is quoted or whose dilemma is published will receive a Finest Bean Mini Bar Gift Pack from Prestat (prestat.co.uk)