Reader dilemma: 'He says that he’s ready to die'

"You can’t force him to want to live, to find sources of energy to make him welcome chemotherapy"

(Getty Images)

Dear Virginia,

My father has cancer for the second time. He’s only 65 but he’s had one dose of chemotherapy already and says he can’t face another lot. He says that he’s ready to die, but the doctors have said that there’s a good chance that he would have another five years if he took this chance. My brothers and sisters and I have all encouraged him to fight, but he just won’t listen. How can we get him to take a more positive attitude? We keep saying that he can beat it if he’s determined, but he won’t listen. My mother died last year and he says he’s fed up with living.

Yours sincerely, Franny

Virginia says,

It would be very easy to say that you’re being selfish. Your father, who at 65 isn’t exactly ancient, has had enough of living. Maybe he is fed up. Maybe life without his wife isn’t worth it. Maybe he was being particularly brave during his last course of chemotherapy and didn’t tell you quite how bad it was. I have two friends who assure me they’d rather die than ever have chemotherapy again, it affected them so badly the first time.

There is also no evidence at all that “battling” cancer makes any difference to the outcome. And anyway, how can your father “battle” if he doesn’t feel like it? You can’t force him to want to live, to find sources of energy to make him welcome chemotherapy, hypnotherapy, coffee enemas, even juggling ping-pong balls if he thought such such treatments might get him well again.

And one thing that’s very odd about getting older is that there is often a point at which, much to their surprise, many old people don’t actually fear death. They understand it and, on occasions, like your father, welcome it. It’s got nothing to do with depression, although clearly grief comes into your father’s attitude.

Of course, the kindest thing would be to support him in his decision. But that’s not taking your own feelings into account. Firstly, I imagine that, having only recently lost your mother, you’re dreading losing your father so soon afterwards. Your father’s decision must stir up very recent memories of bereavement, And on top of that there’s something not right, is there, about children supporting their parents in a decision to die? Any more than it seems appropriate for a parent to want their own children to die, however much they’re suffering.

I’m sure that not only do you desperately want your father to live, but any feeling that he should be supported in his decision to die is squashed by what I can only describe as good manners, as well as everything else. When a friend says they want to kill themself, it’s not appropriate to reply: “Well, why don’t you, then? Let’s talk about how you’re going to do it,” in a sympathetic way. Whatever the circumstances, even if they’re suffering unbearably from an unutterably awful and painful wasting disease and can only communicate by blinking, it’s only socially acceptable to say: “No no, you must live, we all love you, we can’t bear to be without you!” – whether it’s true or not.

Try to accept your father’s decision. You don’t have to support him – that may be impossible. But accept his decision, grieve over it, and try to repress the inevitable anger you feel when you’re with him, and keep it for expressing with your siblings. Your distress is understandable. And so is his. Sometimes, there is no perfect medium.

Readers say...

Let him go

Look, this may sound harsh, but if your father wants to die, let him go. He’s lost his obviously much-loved wife. He’s endured chemotherapy before and doesn’t want to go through it again. What is the point of life if it is a misery to be endured? Frankly, you want him to live for you and while this is understandable, it is also selfish. Support him, reassure him of your love, but the most loving thing you can do for him now is to let him go.

Sara Neill

by email

This is for him to decide

It is very sad that your father, in his final months, must bear pressure (and perhaps even bullying) from you and your siblings. He sounds like a strong and focused person who knows what he wants – and having been through the twin hells of losing his partner and of undergoing a course of chemotherapy, he has decided that he would rather not go on.

He has made his choice and informed you of his decision, so why do you all feel that you have the right to encourage him to “fight”? And why do you feel that it is his duty to “listen” to your intrusive nagging? Why are you wasting his precious time by imposing your desires on him? Surely this most private of dilemmas, whether to continue to live an unsatisfactory life or to let go while his faculties are intact, has nothing to do with anyone but himself.

It seems to me that your posture now should be one of loving support. You and your siblings need to help him to make an end-of-life care plan: ask him which kind of pain relief he would prefer and where he would like to go to die. You could ask him which of you he would like to live with and then set up a care rota among yourselves, so that he has as much company as he desires. In short, show love and respect by helping him to keep control. At the moment, you and your siblings seem to be trying to be doing the opposite, and that is coming across as unkind.

Katie Mavity

by email

Why should he fight this?

You should not be so appallingly selfish. I watched my cousin in the same position at the age of 74 when he told the world, “I will have a good 75th birthday party and I will not see 76” and that was how it did happen.Why should a man of 65, who clearly has had a fulfilled life, “fight”? He has lost his wife, he has cancer, he wishes to go – let him, and make the rest of his life as comfortable as possible instead of nagging him!

Christopher Horne

by email

What would you advise Lizzie to do? To answer this dilemma, or to share your own problem, write to dilemmas@independent.co.uk

Next week's dilemma

I’ve often felt that my oldest friend takes me for granted. She forgets my children’s birthdays and she has rarely asked us for Christmas, though we often have them over. Recently, I was working near where she lives and asked if she could put me up for a couple of days. She said it wouldn’t be “convenient”. There have been endless tiny things – being late for appointments and so on. I’ve now confronted her, and she was really angry, justifying each thing I brought up, and asking why I didn’t tell her about this sooner instead of letting it build up. Should I have done?

Yours sincerely,

Lizzie