How can I get out of spending Christmas with my family?
A family relationship expert suggests ways of balancing expectations and maintaining boundaries if you are dreading the big day.
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Christmas is a time for family – but for some people, that can cause festive misery rather than Christmas cheer.
For a whole host of reasons, people may be desperate to avoid a family Christmas, be it because they don’t like other family members, they hate the chaos of a big day, they don’t like the food, or they simply just want to be on their own.
However, fear of upsetting the rest of the family or the festive hosts may lead to unenthusiastic guests keeping their mouths shut about not wanting to go to a family Christmas celebration – and having a miserable day as a result.
But what should they do or say if they want to get out of a family Christmas?
“Christmas carries a strong cultural expectation of togetherness, yet many people feel conflicted about attending family gatherings,” says chartered psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley, a member of the British Psychological Society.
“Whether due to difficult relationships, personal needs, or stress, the pressure to conform to these social norms can lead to significant anxiety or emotional distress.”
Here, Goddard-Crawley, who has a special interest in relational psychology and attachments, suggests the best ways to gently avoid a dreaded family Christmas celebration…
Be honest if you can
If your family dynamic is one where open dialogue is possible, being honest about not wanting to attend the Christmas celebration can sometimes lead to greater understanding, says Goddard-Crawley.
“Framing your reasons around your emotional needs, rather than placing blame, is key,” she stresses. “You might say you’re feeling particularly drained and need to focus on rest and self-care, which allows for an honest exchange while minimising the potential for hurt feelings.”
Use a ‘strategic excuse’
In certain families, honesty may not be the best policy and can lead to conflict, particularly if there are long-standing unresolved issues, warns Goddard-Crawley.
“When honesty feels too risky, it can be helpful to recognise that sometimes a strategic excuse serves as a boundary-setting tool,” she says. “We sometimes use indirect communication, such as excuses, to avoid confrontation, particularly in emotionally charged situations.”
So, if you’re not ready to confront potentially fraught family dynamics, a considerate, plausible excuse can help diffuse tension while maintaining some emotional distance.
Goddard-Crawley suggests explaining that work commitments or financial constraints are preventing you from attending might serve as a temporary solution. But she warns: “It’s important to be mindful of the psychological toll this can take if used habitually. Over time, avoiding direct communication may lead to further feelings of guilt or frustration.”
Consider compromising
If attending the entire Christmas gathering feels overwhelming, why not suggest a middle ground, such as visiting briefly, or on a different day? Goddard-Crawley says this can help maintain family connections while safeguarding your own wellbeing.
“This approach allows you to balance family obligations and personal boundaries,” she explains. “Offering to attend Boxing Day lunch instead of the full-day Christmas celebration, for instance, may alleviate pressure while still honouring the family relationship.”
She says such a compromise can also reduce any guilty feelings you may have about missing family Christmas celebrations.
If a specific family member’s presence triggers or distresses you, consider how you can protect your emotional wellbeing
Set clear boundaries
If the reason you don’t want to go to the family Christmas do is linked to a family member you don’t like, make your boundaries clear.
Goddard-Crawley explains: “Acknowledging the importance of setting healthy boundaries is essential. If a specific family member’s presence triggers or distresses you, consider how you can protect your emotional wellbeing.”
She says avoiding the issue isn’t always the healthiest strategy in the long-term, but where conflict can’t be resolved, setting clear boundaries can be crucial.
She suggests: “You might feel justified in saying you’d love to attend, but won’t stay if uncle X will be there, or simply explaining that you must limit your time in high-stress situations. Though it may feel uncomfortable, it’s often necessary to maintain your wellbeing.”
Learn to deal with any guilt you may feel
To handle guilt over not spending Christmas with family, Goddard-Crawley suggests you acknowledge that your feelings are valid and stem from caring about others.
“Reframe your decision as an act of self-care rather than selfishness,” she advises. “Communicate your needs with compassion, understanding that disappointment from others is natural but doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Focus on the long-term benefits to your mental health – prioritising your wellbeing is both necessary and healthy. Over time, this will help reduce guilt.”
Try these examples to communicate your decision
1. “This year has been overwhelming for me, and I need to recharge, so I’ve decided to spend Christmas quietly at home. I’d love to catch up with everyone in the New Year when things are a bit calmer.”
2. “I’ve been feeling anxious about family gatherings, so I’m going to step back from the Christmas celebration this year. I’m hoping some space will give me the time I need to reflect and come back stronger. I’d love to meet in January, perhaps one-on-one, in a calmer setting.”
3. “With so much happening lately, I’m really stretched thin. I know Christmas is important, but this year I’m going to take a step back from the big family gathering. I’ll be spending the day at home, focusing on much-needed rest. Let’s catch up after the break.”
4. “I’ve been reflecting on how I feel about attending this year, and I think it’s best for my wellbeing if I skip the full family Christmas. I love seeing you all, but the larger gathering can sometimes be a bit much for me. I’m happy to drop by for a coffee in the afternoon once things have quietened down.”
5. “I’m keen to see everyone, but the Christmas Day celebration might be a bit overwhelming for me this year. Gould I join you later in the day for some tea and a catch-up? That way I can still see everyone without feeling too stretched.”
6. “I’ve been thinking about my emotional health, and I need to prioritise self-care. I’m looking forward to spending some quiet time on Christmas Day, but I’d love to catch up with the family at a less busy time, perhaps for a meal in the New Year.”
7. “I want to be honest about how difficult I find certain family interactions. To take care of myself, I’m choosing not to attend the larger family gathering. I want to stay connected though, so perhaps we could plan a smaller get-together in the New Year.”