How to talk to kids about sex and porn, as report reveals girls expect physical aggression
New research reveals the impact of pornography on youngsters. By Imy Brighty-Potts and Katie Wright.
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.Nearly half (47%) of young people believe girls expect sex to involve physical aggression, according to alarming research published by the Children’s Commissioner.
The survey of 1,000 youngsters aged 16 to 21 in England found that one in 10 children have viewed pornography aged nine, with half of respondents having seen it by the age of 13. Another 42% said they believed most girls ‘enjoy’ acts of sexual aggression.
Children’s Commissioner Dame Rachel de Souza said she was “deeply concerned about the normalisation of sexual violence in online pornography, and the role this plays in shaping children’s understanding of sex and relationships”.
She recalled an incident where she was told by a girl who had a first kiss with her 12-year-old boyfriend that he had “strangled her” having seen it in pornography “and thought it normal”.
Dame Rachel said the Online Safety Bill, which had its second reading in the House of Lords on Monday, “must pass through Parliament as an urgent priority” to ensure pornography sites “implement robust age verification to protect children”.
The report found that while 38% of those surveyed said they had accidentally stumbled across porn online, half of respondents (58% of males and 42% of females) said they sought it out.
With regards to sexual aggression in porn, young people were significantly more likely to see violence perpetrated against a woman (65%) than against a man (29%).
In light of these worrying statistics, how can parents and carers educate children on what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, the importance of consent, and the realities of pornography?
Focus on consent and pleasure
“There is a misconception that if you start talking to kids about sex too young, they will want it, says GP and sexual function expert Dr Anand Patel, who works with Lovehoney (lovehoney.co.uk).
“Actually, whether parents want their children to access it or not, they will find that information. It is never too young to start talking to children about consent.”
Sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay (ruthramsay.com) agrees: “Consent and boundaries are vital life skills children should be learning. By the time kids are ready for early sex education, it should then simply be a case of applying these lessons to sex.
“The same goes for pleasure; from their earliest days, children should develop an understanding that their bodies are something that gives them pleasure, and it’s a safe place to explore.
“As a sex educator and coach, I see way too often in my work with adults, how damaging it is to leave pleasure out of sex education. If we don’t understand sex is meant to feel good to us, as well as our partners, we’ll put up with negative experiences and behaviours.”
Warn young people about the realities of porn
In 2021, Billie Eilish admitted that watching violent pornography at a young age affected her first sexual experiences.
Speaking on SiriusXM, the singer said: “As a woman, I think porn is a disgrace. I started watching porn when I was like 11, and I didn’t understand why it was a bad thing. I thought that was how you learned to have sex.”
If parents and educators aren’t talking to young people about how unrealistic porn can be, there’s a danger they’ll believe aggressive, coercive or degrading sex acts are normal.
“Porn is not intended to be sex education, but it’s the primary source of information for children and teens who are not receiving this information anywhere else,” Ramsay says.
“A metaphor which I find works for both kids and adults is: you wouldn’t expect to learn to drive by watching The Fast And The Furious, and in the same way, we can’t learn how to ‘do’ sex by watching porn. Let them know its not ‘real’.”
Keep the conversation going
For older generations, it was common for parents to have ‘the talk’ with their kids and then avoid speaking about the dreaded S-E-X ever again.
Ramsay suggests a different approach: “There’s no one ‘conversation about sex’ to have with kids at one age. It’s a topic that builds.”
Having an open dialogue and tailoring topics to your child’s age can help: “For example, as babies are growing into toddlers and learning about their bodies and names for body parts, correct names for genital anatomy should be included in a matter of fact way.
“When the child is older, if they don’t know the right names for their body parts, or feel their bodies aren’t a source of pleasure, they cannot practise informed empowered consent.”
Make sex a shame-free subject
“Making sex a shame-free topic creates the space for kids to ask questions naturally,” Ramsay says.
“They may be picking up shame messages from society and from other children, so reminding them, ‘Any time you want to ask me anything about sex, feel free’ is important.”
And remember that when it comes to the ever-evolving subject of sex and pornography, you might not have all the answers.
Ramsay adds: “If they ask something you don’t know the answer to, don’t be embarrassed – say you’re not sure of the answer to that, and suggest you look it up together.”