fandango

Fwah fwah Tamara Beckwith is at it again, this time with her own range of T-shirts. Well, four to be exact. Sporting slogans such as Kensington Posh Tart, Knickerless, Harvey NickChick and Pampered. She is hoping that people who wear them will share the same sense of humour as her. Well, Tamara, I nearly fell off my chair in hysterics, not at your clever slogans, but at this incredibly gorgeous pic of you looking like Violet Elizabeth from Just William. Can't say I'll be wearing one of your designs this century, to be frank. Anyway, if you dare to don one, they are available from "trendy" stores around the UK, or phone Tamara's hotline on 0171 495 7070. If you choose not to, don't think you can escape the delights of Tamara that easily, as she will be hitting the haunted fishtank next year with her own TV show entitled Tamara's World. No doubt this will be an account of how Tamara copes with munching her way through a mixed leaf salad while making one of life's tough decisions: will it be Gucci or Prada? Move over Mr Whicker, T is on her way.

2 I like to think that I'm a bit of a surf babe (even though friends keep telling me otherwise), so I paid a visit to the new Quiksilver shop in Covent Garden. Opened earlier in the week by the longboard champion Rusty Keaulana (who, between you and me, is a bit of a dish) and the surf legend Jeff Hakman, who was busy signing copies of his book, Mr Sunset. I cast my eye over all the babelicious merchandise and antique surf memorabilia and salivated at the wetsuit worn by the world champion, Kelly Slater. Enough name dropping - the shop has tons of goodies for men, women and children, including surf, snow and body-boards. Quiksilver, Thomas Neals, London WC2, 0171 836 5371.

2 You're a size 16 plus and proud of your curves. You're not interested in old-fashioned, tent-style clothing, you want clothes that have been inspired by the catwalks of Milan and Paris. Take a little lookie at the Rogers + Rogers collection for this winter. A directional range of smart, pinstripe suiting, structured leather and suede pieces for day and beaded lace dresses, choccy lace trousers and tops for evening. Available from 12 stores across the country and at Spirit in Selfridges from mid August. Must be trendy then. Enquiries: 01923 474400.

2 Maxwell, (who will need no explanation if you are a soul chick like myself) was one of my fave artistes up until now. The video for his new single "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" shows Maxi boy rolling around the floor caressing a Cinderella-style glass slipper while singing to the camera. Maxwell this is major cringe material, have you seriously lost the plot? Gorgeous you may be, but whining wimps really are not very attractive. Watch out, Elo is hot on your heels.

2 If you're thinking of quitting smoking or maybe need a little reminder of what exactly you are doing to your body, grab a copy of Colors Magazine entitled "Smoking". First, make sure you do not eat before unfolding the centre pin-up, as Pamela Anderson is nowhere in sight, instead you'll see the smokers body - a montage of medical pics showing the diseases the warning labels forgot to mention. Mmm, pleasant. Read on and you'll find novel ways on how to quit the habit from sucking toes to chewing dried donkey meat. Ee aaww!

2 Is it July, I ask myself? Mmm, yes, I think so, at least it was the last time I checked in my diary. Why then are most of the August glossy mags featuring woolly jumpers, knee-high boots, velvet suits and other fleecy weecy heavy things that I do not want to think about just yet? Okay, be first to set the trends, instruct us on what to wear this A/W, but please, please let me have a summer holiday before I have to start thinking about how to keep out the cold this winter. Thank you.