fandango

I'm sure most of you are quite familiar with Hard Candy, known originally for all those deliciously coloured nail varnishes that people went crazy over last year. Well, they have been incredibly busy over the past few months with the launch of a range of lipsticks, plus Candy Man (a range of nail varnish for men - silly), and have just opened a boutique in Harvey Nichols in Knightsbridge. And yes, there's more, a range called "Eye Line", loads of scrummy products for your mince pies, including mascara in colours such as "Vegas", a metallic copper, "Spazz", an electric blue, and "Fever", iridescent purple. Fantastic! Eyeshadow compacts which are so babelicious they are almost edible. Each palette is embossed with the names of the eyeshadow, such as "Sublime", "Sissy", and "Brat" - which I am currently wearing, of course. And "Glitter Eye", which are powder pencils with a brush for blending. It's not just the colours that make these products so great, the silver cyber packaging is another reason to make you want to buy the lot and keep it under your pillow for ever.

Right, I have gone on about make-up for long enough. My next favourite subject is men - especially men in underpants. Jockey, those underwear people for you chaps, have launched two new ranges: the Denim and the Sport. Both are available in "Grande" size, for those of you who have supped one too many pints. Four different styles include trunks, the high-leg slip (which I imagine is similar to a highland fling), the tanga slip and boxers - my faves - although I would like to have seen a picture of someone modelling a slip style. Never mind, I'll have to put up with this headless person in these nice stripy trunks. In 100 per cent cotton, from pounds 7.50. Enquiries: 0191 491 0088.

Poor Normandie Keith, I think she must have been conned into modelling those dreadful outfits for an exclusive fashion shoot in Hello! last week. Gai Mattilo, a young Italian designer, created some of his designs especially for Normandie, as he has been an admirer of her looks for some time. Normandie has already appeared on the catwalk for him, wearing a little puffball number. Even with her legs and looks, it was difficult to make such a disaster look decent! To add insult to injury, Normandie was photographed in a red evening creation, teamed with feather hat, on what looks like the roof of a building in the middle of an industrial estate. How strange. Should one not consider suitable surroundings when one is taking snaps of such outfits?

Honestly, those PR girls will do anything to make you sit up and take notice of their products. This week, I received through the post a paper bag which I am supposed to wear until Joshua Galvin (hairdresser to the stars) can come into my office and sort out my hairdo. Well, thanks for the offer, but frankly I'd rather sit at my desk with the bag on my head, than go through the embarrassment of having old Josh run his fingers through my locks. My colleagues on the sports desk would never let me live it down. Joshua, I think I'll see you at the salon.

To the rather sad lady who wrote a letter to a newspaper last week about how she has trained herself to walk in the white, peep-toe stilettoes she bought in Paris, and how upset she is about the nasty comments she has received. You may be a mother of three, with your own company, but you obviously have much too much spare time on your hands. As Miss Essex - me of sheer classic beauty, like your stilettoes - I think you deserve to get tons and tons of silly Essex-girl jokes. Welcome to the real world. Are you sure you're not a bimbo?

Hands up who is really bored with all this Di and Dodi shenanigans. Me, me, me. Just marry him sweetie, he's rich isn't he? Please repeat after me: Did Di do Dodi or did Dodi do Di?