Fandango

FAGS AND FOOTIE

Honestly, I don't know, all this fuss about Gazza and his twenty-a-day ciggie habit. Don't get me wrong, I don't condone smoking, but it really gets my goat when suddenly out of the woodwork creeps every Tom, Dick and Harry telling us what a bad influence Gazza is on our kids. Well I think we should give kids a little more credit; I'm not convinced that they look at woodchippings-for-brains Gazza and take up smoking. As a rebellious teenager myself I couldn't think of anything worse than standing behind the bikesheds in the snow for the sake of a B&H. I was far too busy designing my latest clothes collection, and creating my very own micro-chip. Still it's been down hill all the way; pass the Marlboro, sweetie.

FASHION FAUX PAS

While I'm on my soapbox, a little message for all you women out there who think that as soon as the sun shines, it gives you licence to wear the most offensive clothing. I was out last week in the baking sunshine and did I see some sights! Here are a few rules that you should follow. I guarantee you will look fabulous all summer through: a)Forget hot pants teamed with boots, this look is so wrong even if you have the legs of Nadia Auermann b) make sure that your clothes fit correctly; tight tops and bottoms squeeze everything in the wrong direction, drawing attention to lumps and bumps that could otherwise be disguised c) avoid dark colours that make you feel hot just looking at them, light colours such as beige, white, pink, lilac are much better d) if you're wearing anything remotely skimpy, avoid building-sites at all costs, unless you're partial to the odd wolf whistle. And a word of advice for you chaps, sarongs are de rigeur this summer so I expect to see you all wearing a brightly coloured wrappy skirty thing. So there!

ITALIAN LESSONS

Watch out for yet another designer superstore set to open in July. Leading Italian fashion house Krizia will soon be opening their modern, light, ever-so stylish space at 25 Conduit Street, W1, housing both Krizia women's and menswear, plus Krizia Casa (thats their home line just in case your Italian isn't too hot) and accessories. If the shopping proves a little too exhausting, a caffeine rush will be available in the form of an Italian coffee bar.

CLEAN LIVING

Good news for those who have the pleasure of living outside smog-filled London. SPACE. NK apothecary, that wonderful shop that sells the bestest beauty products, has produced a mail order catalogue. Space Mail is a carefully edited selection of the most popular items from brands such as Stila, Kiehls, Eve Lom, Benefit and Nars. Order your fave items 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 0870 607 7060 for a catalogue; postage and packing costs pounds 4. Still on the subject of primping and preening, Crabtree & Evelyn have just opened a shop in the city at 1 Poultry, EC4. This store offers premium customer service, making shopping quick and less stressful. Yes!

PRINCE CHARMING

I hate to brag but I must tell you about my evening in the presence of the Duke of York. (Yes it's not just Tara P T that gets to go to all these chi chi parties you know.) The Duke of York was speaking at the reception at the V & A to celebrate the opening of the Canon Photographers Gallery. Unfortunately, I was having trouble in my high heels, so I thought I'd change into my Birkenstock sandals. There I am stretching my toes, when I look up and there's His Highness. Embarrassment got the better of me so I fled, missing my photo opportunity. Oh well, won't have anything to show my grandchildren then.