Woman sparks debate about red flags after asking whether she is wrong to turn down heirloom engagement ring

‘Please don’t marry this man,’ one person writes

People are urging a woman to consider the “red flags” in her relationship after she questioned whether she was wrong to turn down her future mother-in-law’s engagement ring.

The question was posed on Reddit’s AITA [Am I The A**hole] subreddit, where the 26-year-old woman explained that she has been with her boyfriend Adam for four years and they are ready to get engaged.

In the post, the woman then explained that her boyfriend’s mother previously passed down her engagement ring to her eldest son, which he then used to propose.

However, according to the Reddit user, the couple has since gotten divorced, and the ring has been returned to her boyfriend’s mother, who has since suggested her youngest son use it to propose.

“Adam was excited with the idea but I was uncomfortable solely by the fact that this ring was proposed with more than once and also it belonged to my former sister-in-law for years and she had memories attached to it,” the woman wrote. “I feel like that ring already had more than one love story and I feel I have the right to wear a ring that represents our relationship and one that belongs to me and Adam.”

The woman said her opinion didn’t go over well with her future mother-in-law, however, as she wrote that her boyfriend’s mother “explained that it’s a must for Adam as the youngest to carry the tradition and propose with this ring” and called her decision “disrespectful” considering the ring is “of high sentimental value”.

“I explained why I had an issue with it but she implied I clearly wanted a ‘more shiny and expensive one,’” the woman continued, adding that her future husband also didn’t understand why she was opposed to the family heirloom. “He agreed with her and said my logic didn’t make sense and asked if I’d refuse to buy an apartment just because someone else owned it.”

The woman’s refusal to accept the ring then sparked a disagreement with her boyfriend, who informed her that his focus was on keeping the peace instead of “starting unnecessary drama”.

“I asked why he thought his mom’s opinion was equal or more important than mine and he got offended and said I was insulting his mom and he won’t let me do that next time,” the woman concluded the post. “He refused to discuss it any further saying this was a ridiculous hill for me to choose to die on and [I] should be honoured to be given the opportunity to hold on to something as valuable as his mom’s engagement ring.”

The post, which has been upvoted more than 6,000 times, has prompted hundreds of comments, with many siding with the woman and urging her to see the disagreement over the ring as a red flag.

“NTA [not the a**hole] and you can see how this relationship is going to go forever... His mother will always be more important than you, and he will appease her anytime she starts drama. The fact he is explicitly putting in these terms already shows he knows she will. Is this something you’re prepared to deal with for the rest of your life?” one person commented.

Another said: “Huge red flags here. Sounds like the family’s way of resolving problems and getting their way is through bullying. First they reason, then intimidate, last they insult. Do you really want to be associated with this family?”

“Red flags abound. Controlling mother in law + momma’s boy = bad relationship foundation. He ‘won’t let you insult her again’? You should be ‘honoured to hold onto something as valuable as his mother’s ring’?” someone else wrote. “The fact that he won’t even consider your side of the discussion and instead wants to please his mother tells you all you need to know about your future with him.”

Reddit users also agreed with the woman’s issue with the ring being worn during a marriage that ended in divorce, as one person noted that it is “extremely weird passing around the same ring that multiple people have now been through marriage and divorce with”.

Others suggested that the woman shouldn’t even be given the ring, as it should instead go to her future brother-in-law’s children as he is the eldest son.

“If MIL [mother-in-law] passed it onto the older brother initially, one would assume that it would be passed along to his children rather than little brother,” one person wrote. “I have no problem with inherited engagement rings but the way this ring is being pushed on OP [original poster] and the fact that she has to like it because MIL dictates it so is giving me pause as to whether OP’s fiancé will ever be able to draw healthy boundaries with MIL.”